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I'm working on a year of pain, and though I have had chronic depression over the years, there were periods where I could put it in the closet and not have to worry about it for a while. Now after fighting it for so long, i feel like I am about to win this battle. Even though I know it will come again, to knock me off my feet, at this moment I'm starting to stand. I'm starting to get back on my feet. I've made changes and accepted things, and I have nothing left to say or feel. I recently lost yet more important things of mine, people I valued or work hours I lost. Doom is looming over the horizon and I dont care. I'm ready to try my best again. Ready to start again, and live my life as a machine once more. Someday, maybe, I'll be able to feel again, I'll be able to love again, I'll be able to have a stable job again, or maybe work on getting my own place. But this will not be right now. I'll have to wait till the grass grows. I'm walking among the things of my life that were burned down, and it will take time to build it all up again. But now, after so long, I am ready. thank god...
endofseptember endofseptember 22-25, F 6 Responses May 21, 2011

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Lots of blank pages ahead of you. Don't judge a book by its middle. You can do it.

sometimes we must build ourselves down, in order to start making the trip upwards again...

i sincerely hope i can make it upwards someday. i just dont know where to start. i feel trapped right now

I hear you...but everyone keeps talking about building yourself up, so it may overwhelm you...just think of it like building down into your own core inner being...if you feel that you are indecisive and not making the grade in how you want it you end up suffering because of it(?) What I mean by building down is actually finding that strenth inside of you that really is YOU...if you cry and feel bad your real you is in torment, dont listen to what everyone does - listen and try feel yourselfin the surroundings with others...maybe start to exercise your mind in knowing whom you feel is draining your cup and who is actually filling it - then ask yourself "why"....you are strong even if you dont know it yourself sometimes.

With this attitude you are more than half way there.What you have written has actually inspired me.You will feel broken again at some point along the way but my suggestion to you would be to read the powerful words you have written here. They stand alone as an inspiration but they are also words that you found within yourself! I believe you can live through this and even find sparks of happiness along the way. I don't know what the other side of devastation and depression look like yet and maybe I never will but I will be somewhere behind you getting back up and walking through life hoping to LIVE again. I think sometimes we FEEL so much there is no room for other feelings we would like to feel. We probably feel as much or more than anyone it just isn't what we want to feel,so sometimes we feel empty.I hope I can re-purpose my sensitivity to be there for others and use my strength and fortitude to survive to complete school,get a good job and help others along the way.KEEP WRITING! :)

yes i think we feel too much sometimes. in my recent breakup my ex said that i was too much drama. I think comments like that are really insensitive because they undermine how ppl feel and what they're going through. Beleive me i used to be like a machine. I went through the everyday motions of life and tried not to think about what made me sad or put me down. People never knew i was struggling inside, i was able to hide it good. After a while i just got devastated from all that was happening to me. But these things require healing to get over, and lotsand lots of time, since its such a big wound.

I think of it kind of like cancer. It takes a lot out of you to fight it and it might come back someday but once you win you can actually feel like you've accomplished something. Cancer survivors are such an inspiration to people and i hope someday you and me can defeat our depression and be able to give others hope like that

If there is one thing we can all learn off the Buddhists...its to live in the moment...<br />
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This is the secret to happiness (I have read LOL), as when we are living in the moment we are not busy agonizing over past ills or stressing about tomorrow. I.E this involves ceasing the incessant mental jabber that goes on in our heads 24-7 and instead concentrating on just our 5 senses....(keeping it real!) This is not as easy as it sounds it can take years of effort to undo a lifetime of bad mental hygiene... but we can all learn to make a start. <br />
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Stay in the moment and be happy. Glad to hear you are turning your mental outlook around...<br />
XXX000

thank yoouuu wet =)

I am happy that you are ready to take the steps it takes to start working on your future and as I see it you will have a bright one as long as you stay grounded and hold to the ones that help you get there. Always know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am here for you anytime.