Depression Is Not A Nightmare Which Would Just Go Away When You Wake Up.Depression is like a plunging in to a deep dark spiral hole. No matter what your friends or family told you, they don't make you feel better. Maybe when they are around, but that's just an inch of the feeling that goes inside your head, inside your heart. Nobody truly gets you and understands you even if they said they do..... They are not the one that you love and they are definitely not the person who has made you feel loved for at least a thousand times.
I am back with you my dear because it is impossible to live without you. It is impossible to eat, sleep and even breathe without you. I am sick all the time without you. All the fights, all the tears and the pain I got from there, I want to put it all behind cause being apart from you truly hurts. I'm bleeding every second away from you but no one sees that. I smiled, talked and laughed because it was easier than telling them that I'm depressed. Depression. No one truly understands how deep you can bury yourself in and you can't get out even if you try to.
As soon as I am back with you, the depression is gone. But I felt like a failure because I disappointed my parents. Each time I cry because we fought, they consoled me and supported me. But you have a reason and I have mine too. Just that right now, they are against each other and I don't have any idea how to control that. Mum has health problems and I don't want that to escalate. Dad feels sad as well whenever I am sad. But you.... I guess as long as I am with you and as long as I want to be with you, I have to take everything in and be more patient with you. Is it just that or more than that?
You want me to take a stand in a way that I defend you and stick with you. Of course I wanted that. I will try then..... It's never easy. But what if I leave everything behind and you just become angry at me and then what is next? The key is... What do I do when you get mad at me? I feel helpless. I feel depressed. I feel nothing. I feel so sad that I thought that is it, I can't do this anymore. Fighting with you when we're supposed to be together. I can't think anymore.
Depression is such a terrible thing. 7 days we did not talk to each other, I feel lifeless, soulless. I waited for the moment I should die. It never came. I did things to try to make myself feel alive, it didn't work. My family talked to me, it didn't work. If it weren't for the last semester til I graduate, I would have gone to a psychiatrist and be asked to be kept for observation in an asylum. I am writing this now and I want to cry. I am depressed when we fight, it's a matter of life and death to me. I feel depressed when we are separated. It's worst when we fight, but it was much worst, a thousand times more worst when we're separated.
I don't know what is next for me. How do I handle this? Is it me who takes it too seriously? But how do I not take it so seriously when I love you that much, when I love you that deep? Yet I was told that I do nothing about it.
LovelessAdvocate 22-25, F 1 Response 0 Jun 5, 2011