Hearts I Know Not

I don't understand this world. How can you feel so cold and calloused and yet the world outside is so bright, warm, and gentle? As I walked, I thought to myself, If my shadows could feel and see what I do, the shadows would fear the light of me. For the past eleven years I thought I could just tell myself it would go away, these feelings which is only explained by one's own heart experiences. Yet, I found myself in tears, wishing for lightning to strike me and end this craziness.

Twenty one years of age, and in my mind I find myself jealous of that child on a swing long ago. I was ten years old when I met my dad. I was sixteen when he left me once again. He had disenrolled me out of school before he left, and left it up to me to figure things out. In that same year, I met my mother. I found out she was an alcoholic, and wished I'd simply die already, and so I left. My grandfather, whom I was raised with and the only man I knew as my true father, passed away the year before. I went through so many drugs to take away these depressions I had started to forget where I was at times or whom I was with. My only friend had got himself into deeper drugs, and we soon lost our so called, brotherly bonds. I've lived with more stangers in my life than more people I've actually met.

Whenever people ask me what's wrong, I only smile and walk away. It's impossible to talk about it or even write about it, it never comes out right, even now. I had another thought yesterday, when people see you, are they actually looking into your eyes and seeing you, or are they just talking to you and only seeing themselves? The funny thing is, I've had a few people in the past come to me with their problems, and I've given them exactly what they needed to hear. Yet, I don't think anyone is ready to hear me with their ears. I always find myself thinking about ending things on my own. I've actually mentioned a few times in the past, most people thought of it as a joke, but one person didn't. To be honest, there hasn't been one day since I was ten years old that I didn't want to just do it, you know?
A lot of things happened with me and my dad that I left out here... I don't feel so sure about adding the details, I don't like thinking about it is all. I guess all I wish for is for a family. I think that would be that one wish if I could wish for anything in the world, to erase everything and have that loving dad and mom that all the people I knew seems to have.
Machai Machai
18-21, M
1 Response Jul 10, 2011

Family is not all that the media makes it out to be. I do not a single family that did not some relationship problems. So you may want to consider friends. Maybe a weekly support group will help you find friends and someone to connect with on an understanding level.<br />
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Some research indicates that being in and around water help reduce depression. For example, skin diving, snorkeling, or just laying of a air mattress in a pool helps take reduce depression. It maybe something you may consider. <br />
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Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.