Blank Bored And DownI'm not really sure where everything went wrong, or right. It really depends on how you see things and, with the friends and family I have I'm not really sure at all either. Some people would say I am a product of oversimplified school discipline and rules that were far too strict. My friend things I am an independent mind that has left the mainstream and is forging some path that I haven't seen yet. And then there is my mom who tells me to go to the doctor or get back on meds or maybe I just need some counseling. In reality after this long I think I'm just a waste.
For as long as I can remember people have been telling me I am different in some way. At five I was already in a separate school for kids with special needs of all sorts. I actually got kicked out of there in a couple months for being too violent. I have had a doctor up until recently. The whole idea of it has become extremely unappealing. Does anyone else ever get the feeling that they don't really care about their job, or at least don't pay attention to detail?
I constantly feel like I let myself and my mother down. She worked her butt off to feed me. Never living where she wanted or getting the job she wanted. For me, I feel like I could have done much more. You know how at a young age, everyone is told they were bright? Well I was also but it stuck. This is one of my many frustrations. What could possibly cause me to fall to where I am today if I always did so well. That comes to the question of my school and what part it might have played.
One major issue I have with school, and a lot of people have in my experience is how they discipline. They have blanket policies with no room for leeway and a standard that is borderline insane. I was once suspended for two weeks for saying "no" when asked if I could continue working on my homework after finishing early. It may be that it got to the point that they just wanted me out of there for fear that I might cause more of a scene. Sometimes I think though that I wasn't challenged enough. I have always felt to this day a love for learning and I always woke up bright and early excited for school but, once there that quickly went away as boredom struck me. Or it could be that I was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to. The teachers were always pestered by me trying to talk to them or anyone else I could get to.
Anyways, around grade eleven I just gave up for some unknown reason and skipped school and played video games or slept all day. I still very much wanted to go to school but something kept me from getting up. Now at twenty-two I feel lower then I have ever felt. For the past two years I have been jobless, barely making it to the grocery store once a month. I have one good friend who I met while in a brief stint at a mental hospital. I don't really think it is a beneficial relationship as we share a lot of the same views and because of his certain illness has a very "odd" way of seeing the world. Some days I won't eat anything more than some toast. My anxiety is so high that I break out into sweat even getting ready to go into the public, and I'm not a very large man.
I'm kind of losing my trail of thought and getting distracted so I'll just end this. I've been dreaming, daydreaming and fantasizing about my death for almost a year now. I don't think I could ever do it but the thought are very pervasive; almost every day. I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it. If I bring it up with my mom she either cries or says that my birth was the reason she kept on going and it is me that keeps her going(she is also very poor). My friend being the "interesting" person he is has zero issue with suicide and can only advise that if I don't want to do it I better find a hobby that distracts me.
Well thanks for reading, whoever did. I really wanted to have a place where I could put a large wall of text of what I feel out in the open for at least one person to see. If I have anything else to add which I know I do I'll come back.
Blitzingtakin 22-25, M 3 Responses 0 Sep 5, 2011