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Why Should Anyone...

Why should anyone care? I don't think anyone really does, and if they do I haven't met them.

This thought has been swirling in my head lately as I go over the reasons for or against death. As I go over the pros and cons of death. Would it matter at all if I died? Would anyone care, or are people caring because they wished they could have cared more when I was alive? If it's the latter then I couldn't care about them!

Meeting with my friend today was just another nail in the coffin. I really like this guy and I am happy to see he is doing well. He was much worse off then me and now he has finally come out of his shell and is doing things. This is another reason to end it. Whenever I see him, which is not much anymore, he wants to do things I can't do. I'm envious; not exactly about what he is doing, but what he can do. He is so far beyond want I believe I am capable of doing.

He, and others like him like to play with the phrase "if I can do it so can you". I realized as of late that this is a loaded and bullshit statement. Everyone is different. By saying this you not only put unnecessary expectations on others but you also embarrass and humiliate them. Just the fact that it has been said to me probably drove me away in the opposite direction. I want a different path but I'm lost.

I've never tasted success. People don't really believe you when they say that, and that is why I NEVER talk about my problems with anyone. It is driving me insane. I've failed at school, jobs, money management, addiction, relationships and soon, life. I'm on a waiting list for a group therapy program but, I'm afraid the wait will be too long.

I'm at the end of my ropes. My moms phone is dead, my friend isn't very understanding and the internet is a cesspool of trolls and well wishers. Even now I know this won't help, it won't do anything. I'll go back to lying on my couch, reading depression help forums to no avail and refreshing this page knowing no one cares.
Blitzingtakin Blitzingtakin 22-25, M 1 Response Nov 9, 2011

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Well, $hit, either I'm an a$$hole or a goody two-shoes!<br />
Actually, I'm really worn out today, I was arguing with a friend about whether she was going to kill herself or not. Those are really sucky conversations, but all my friends these days are nutters, so it happens.<br />
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I don't know how long you've been this bad or what all you've tried to get better. But suicide isn't something you have to rush into, it's always going to be an option. <br />
If there's anything you have not tried-including marching into the ER and announcing you are suicidal...If it works, and you end up having a good life after all...that would be damned cool, wouldn't it?

Whenever I feel bad and I need to write, I write. It's pretty much exclusively online somewhere so people can see. I do really wish for people to read it and maybe someone understands or gives me an insight I didn't see. The problem with all of this is my mind is believing two things at once.

I want my voice heard yet my mind makes mental hoops around kind words. I know people understand yet, I don't think they do. And I hope to get better yet I can very easily make an excuse for anything.

With all this knowledge you would think that would make it easy to phase out the negative? NOPE! I've even got a couple excuses for that too. It's so silly when you think about it. I KNOW why I feel like crap and I KNOW what I am saying to myself, yet that doesn't make it any more bearable.