Merry Freaking Christmas You Tightwads


Hey, the name's Greg...or Gregory, whatever i don't really care.i am 14 and live with my folks, sad huh? well. it's that time of the year again and it's the one we've all been preparing for...drum roll please! CHRISTMAS!!! now i know what some of you are thinking, christmas is a joyful time of the year where we all get together and celebrate the birth if christ and how much we all love each other. not in my family chumps. in my family we celebrate the whole thing a bit...differebtly...and that's putting it nicely. let me explain on what i mean by that.
1) wake up to nobody being at your bedside yelling about how many presents you have waiting for you down stairs.
2) get up and find that nobody has prepared any kind of nice christmasy type breakfast( pancakes, maple syrup...and golden orange juice).
3) go into the livingroom and find that everyone has already opened their presents and even your own if your unlucky.

You see, we don't function how a normal family should. we function in a way so twisted that it would make the easter bunny think twice about coming near our house just to drop off a bunch of eggs for me. lousy traitor. but as i was saying...the family is seriously messed up, beyond even my comprehension. i hardly believe sometimes that this is the family that i was born into, we use to run so normally, until that is, my sister dropped out of college and came back home. everything seemed to go to hell when she came back. this year had to be the worst year of christmas i have ever experienced, and i live in the small town of Dannevirke in New Zealand. the town is small, we only just got a major fast food chain in the town not too long ago, that's how behind we are here. trust me when i tell you this, you won't like coming here no matter what you do.
this years christmas had been normal to me. i'll fill you in.
I woke up to the sound of my parents yelling at eachother for some ungodly reason. i pulled the pillow over my head and buried my face deep into my matress. ugh, what were they yelling about at 7am for, it was christmas for bob's sake. i managed to block out the sound and fell asleep until my sister did the nasty. she came into my room with a glass of ice cold water and tipped it all over my face. i woke up gasping for air as she ran out of the room and ran downstairs. oh man. i sat up in bed and wiped the water from my face and growled under my breath(Lizzy's name mentioned in a curse word), then i decided to get up and take the newly wet blankets off my bed and put them out on the clothes line. as i came downstairs i smelt amost wonderful smell, the smell of freshly cooked bacon strips.
Lizzy sat at the table and pointed at me with a smile on her face."Look, Greg has had a wet dream. he's putting out his blankets." she smiled a most evil smile at me.
my father stood up and embraced me with a hug so tight that i was sure that i stopped breathing." Welcome to man hood my son. your first accident, it most surely wont be the last haha, trust me.!"
i felt 3 inches tall and felt my face turn crimson red from the embarassment. i gave a Lizzy a look of pure hate, she gave one back of pure victory."Ah, thanks dad..." was all that i could choke out. i ran to the washhouse and put my stuff in the wash. there was no point in putting it on the line now, they had all come to the conclusion that i had had an accident and would surley protest about me not washing them.
mum was in the kitchen cooking bacon when i joined the rest of my family in the diningroom. the diningroom sat in between the livingroom and the kitchen so there wasn't a wall in between. i sat at the table as dad grunted and pointed for me to sit in the chair at the other end of the table. he sat froward and placed both hands flat firmly on the table." so my boy, what have you got planned for today?"
i sat in my seat, my head in a state of confusion."'s christmas day isn't it, i was planning on being tortu...i mean, having fun with you guys today." the best lie in the world huh?
my father sat forward and smirked at me." well my boy, i have something more manly for you today. now that your a man and all." he stopped in his trail of thought and just smiled at me for a while before greatfully taking a plate of bacon from mum and placing it in front of me." eat up, you'll need it for today."
'oh god' was all that came to mind when he said that. what horrible thing has he got me this year? last year it was an axe. he made me put it to good use by chopping up the firewood for next winter. i spent my entire day cutting that damn oak tree wood, only to find that it wouldn't burn. and then finding out that i had cut down a family tree, one that had been on that land for well over fifty years. i have never been able to live that one down thanks to my loving sister. but i could only think of what it would be, the reality would be real soon enough so i didn't have time to hate any idea that i conjured up.
once breakfast was over i went back upstairs and went into the bathroom to have a shower. it was pure heaven on my body, the hot water. i washed my body with soap and a loofa, but didn't expect somethingelse to happen. i washed my hair and got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around me and walked out of the bathroom to my room. i shut the door and got dressed, the whole time admiring how big i was getting. but something different caught my attention at the last minute. the mirror was showing the reflection of some one. it wasn't first. i let out a loud yell when i saw that my hair was pink(it still is)!
my mum burst into the room and saw what i yelling about, but she didn't look surprised like i thought she would have. to be honest with you, she began to laugh." Oh my goodness. what has happened to you?!"
i stood there gob smacked. she was laughing at me." Gee, thanks mum. my life is over! i can't go around looking like this!"
"Well what do you expect me to do about it?"
"I don't know, how about telling Lizzy off for doing this!?"
"Come now, do you think your sister would stoop so low?"
i gave her a look of 'as if you have to ask'." Of course she did it, who else would?"
mum just walked out of my room and shut the door, but i could still hear her laughing hysterically as she walked away.
how could my day get any worse you ask, well...that i will write in the next one. CHRISTMAS DAY...MIDDAY...DOOMSDAY

please leave comments below if you like
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5 Responses Dec 25, 2011

I have a fake solution for the fake sister in this what my brother and I did one year, put hair removal in both her person bottles of shampoo and conditioner...make sure to leave on enough of each to mask the little bit of scent it can give off..I promise you, her mean streak won't be as mean from then on, she will know you will always be one step a "head"........And yes, before you ask, we did in fact do so to someone who deserved to be bald. (well, they had a few strand left) lol.....It doesn't work as fast, but it's always fun to watch progress......

Oh sorry...I didn't pay attention to the heading. This is supposed to be for depression should have posted this in a different section.

Wow a fake should become a play write for films or something...

And you can always get back at your sister!

Wow...That sounds like something that would happen in a movie...but my Christmas wasn't very great either. Count your blessings I guess. Your family loves you. Learn to have a sense of humor; your family sure seems to. :)