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New Friendship Problems.

Hello, I have recently been trapped in a hospital for 2 years and 2 months. My admission date was July/29/2009. I was finally released from the hospital on September/24/2011 and was transferred to nursing home apartment building facility. When I moved into the place I worked on a project that I wanted to finish a long time ago. The project I worked on was creating a theme song for an NHL team for their warm up skate, After finishing my project I met a few people that were family members of another person in the facility. The daughter of the person in the facility always went to the hockey teams arena during their practice days and got autographs from players and got to know a few of the players very well, when she found out about the song I created for the team she offered to take it to one of the players and tell them about me. They were going through a very rough time, their relative was very very sick and many things happened to her. As they went through such a rough time I did everything I could to make them feel better and help them deal with all the fear and worries about their relative. On December/11/2011 their relative passed away and they were crying their eyes out. When I went out to the mall after finding out about their loss I bought them a memorial card, created a CD full of memorial songs and donated a lot of my personal items that I never used anymore as a Christmas gift for the family. After the relatives daughter left the meeting room arranging the funeral she saw me coming down the hallway and came up to me and gave me a hug and told me that the family was very thankful for what I have done for them during their rough times and told me that she valued me and considered me as part of the family cause of all the things I've done for them. When we went outside she held me again and said she would never forget me. Later on after the funeral even though she didn't like coming to the facility anymore she came and took me out for dinner as a thankfulness gift, when she dropped me off after dinner she told me she loved me and I will always be one of her best friends and that I was the best person she's ever met at the facility. During all the times that I was doing every thing I could to make them feel better, after I finished talking to them and comforting them, I went back to my room and turned on my MP3 player and listened to every single song I have that makes me cry my eyes out. During the day that the family was having the meeting to arrange the funeral, I went to the main floor on the facility and was heading towards the smoking room, and lost balance while walking, when I got to the smoke room I almost fell over, someone grabbed a chair to save me from falling and I started shaking like crazy and my pulse was racing, and my eyes were flooded with tears. They had to call nurses to get to me cause the people in the smoke room were scared that I would collapse and they had to take me back in a wheelchair. Still, during the day when I'm not busy working and listening to music, I listen to things that make me cry, and I'm afraid to tell the new friends that I've made from the family how I'm feeling and what I've been doing. When I go to a store near the place I live at, I am always tempted to buy a large amount of sleeping pills and taking a large amount of them when I go to bed. I can't stop these feelings from hitting me, and I can;t stop myelf from playing songs that make me cry. Even when I watch hockey on TV and watch my favorite team I don't feel as excited as I used to during the game, and I have bought sleeping pills and I usually take 3-5 pills plus the sleeping pills that my doctor has put me on, plus the natural sleep aid pills. I usually take the 3 sleeping pills my doctor has prescribed, plus 2-4 additional sleeping pills and 3-5 natural sleep aid pills. All I wanna do during the day is sleep or cry. And sometimes I keep thinking to myself "Now it's my turn to pass away" I wish I knew how to solve these problems, but no matter what I try to do, nothing works and I keep feeling like sleeping and telling myself that it's my turn, and also tell myself that I should have gone first, not the elderly person. What can I do???? Sorry for such a long story, but I need the help. Thanx for your time and patience in reading my story and hrlping me.
FlamesFanAddict FlamesFanAddict 26-30 4 Responses Jan 1, 2012

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I suggest trying to wean yourself off sleeping aids day by day. Don't quit cold turkey because its shocking to the system when you do that.Your body is probably dependent on them. Drugs also affect a persons mood often.<br />
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It is natural to feel upset about somebody passing away. Crying is the best way to deal with it, I think. But do go easy on yourself, it sounds like you are very hard on yourself.<br />
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I notice you're afraid of dying. While death is inevitable, and a part of life ( everybody has to die one day ), it's not going to happen right this instant. It is part of life but if you're taking care of yourself, you're going to live a long time :)<br />
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What your brain tells your body is very important; so it may help to stop yourself from thinking bad thoughts. Your moods and emotions influence your health.<br />
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Perhaps it was an emotionally taxing time in life that led to your depression, and a breakdown. I know how it is because emotions involved sometimes just take over, leaving a person feeling helpless and emotionally tormented. But there is such a thing as healing, and acceptance. There are events in life that will reshape who you are, occurences that may change you forever. But one does recover, even if that person has felt destroyed for some time. It has to do with leaving the past in the past, and moving on with life.

OK YOU WANT HELP.Did you know that you have 1400 different chemicals that your brain uses so you can feel what you are thinking.So if you liosten to songs that make you want to cry and you sleep on those songs,you are doing everything that you were not made for.The brain was made for love.Play love songs and you'll feel like living and stayin awake.If you have facebook,Dr. Caroline Leaf who is a brain scientist,you can facebook her and she'll seen you lots of one linners.I think one a day.<br />
She also has dvds if you want to keep your brain young take knew courses.Dis you know you can change you GENES in 31 days.GENES are made from protein and take commands from the brain.<br />
So much you could be doing with your life,so many posibilities,oppertunites,learning knew things and being a freind with positive Love is bigger and Better than Anything anyone can do.<br />
So sabouts it.Chillin with this.Take it cool,but can the drugs.Live for the next person.Love and Blessings to you and yours

Man that is rough. Not to long ago I had a relapse to, in fact my entire life seems to be a series of relapses and I feel as though I kind of know what you're going through. It's so hard to say something when a relapse happens isn't it? Listening to your family go on and on about how proud they are of you for beating depression, how they talk about the dark times being over. It can make you want to scream, that frustration with them and yourself is awful. On top of that you have to deal with feelings of fear, disappointment and just sorrow. Amanda is right you need to tell somebody whether it be a nurse or a friend or a family member. Let someone know so that THEY can help you. Telling the family is the hardest part. When you know what there reaction will be, probably not an overjoyed one, it makes it nearly impossible. And yes they will feel sad, but they'd feel much worse if you suffered silently. If you let these feelings take over you, if you chose to end your life. They'd feel so much more pain. If you care for your family, your friends or anyone who has entered your life you should let somebody know. <br />
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You should also try doing things that can help YOU. I find that my depression comes back when I'm not helping others. I need my life to have a definite purpose, perhaps you are like this as well? Maybe try volunteering within the area homeless shelters, autism ontario, animal shelters, parks and local hospitals all require a large number of volunteers to be either on location or assisting online. I found that when my depression was so bad I wanted to kill myself the thing that kept me alive was the knowledge that if I were to go nobody would be there for the animals I looked after. <br />
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Some books like the Secret point out the importance of keeping a gratitude log and meditation. I don't entirely know what you're going through and different things work for different people but I do wish you best. You'll get through this and you will feel happy again, I know that. You're meant to be happy, what you've done for those people proves it. You've been good to them in a difficult time, you're a good person and I promise you that if you hang in there you'll feel better again. <br />
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If you ever need to talk to anyone you know where to find me. <br />
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P.S. sorry about the novel I've wrote for you!

Oh, sweety. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I was qualified to help you but all I can do is plead to you to get some more help. I can undersand your reluctance but please do it.