New Friendship Problems.
Hello, I have recently been trapped in a hospital for 2 years and 2 months. My admission date was July/29/2009. I was finally released from the hospital on September/24/2011 and was transferred to nursing home apartment building facility. When I moved into the place I worked on a project that I wanted to finish a long time ago. The project I worked on was creating a theme song for an NHL team for their warm up skate, After finishing my project I met a few people that were family members of another person in the facility. The daughter of the person in the facility always went to the hockey teams arena during their practice days and got autographs from players and got to know a few of the players very well, when she found out about the song I created for the team she offered to take it to one of the players and tell them about me. They were going through a very rough time, their relative was very very sick and many things happened to her. As they went through such a rough time I did everything I could to make them feel better and help them deal with all the fear and worries about their relative. On December/11/2011 their relative passed away and they were crying their eyes out. When I went out to the mall after finding out about their loss I bought them a memorial card, created a CD full of memorial songs and donated a lot of my personal items that I never used anymore as a Christmas gift for the family. After the relatives daughter left the meeting room arranging the funeral she saw me coming down the hallway and came up to me and gave me a hug and told me that the family was very thankful for what I have done for them during their rough times and told me that she valued me and considered me as part of the family cause of all the things I've done for them. When we went outside she held me again and said she would never forget me. Later on after the funeral even though she didn't like coming to the facility anymore she came and took me out for dinner as a thankfulness gift, when she dropped me off after dinner she told me she loved me and I will always be one of her best friends and that I was the best person she's ever met at the facility. During all the times that I was doing every thing I could to make them feel better, after I finished talking to them and comforting them, I went back to my room and turned on my MP3 player and listened to every single song I have that makes me cry my eyes out. During the day that the family was having the meeting to arrange the funeral, I went to the main floor on the facility and was heading towards the smoking room, and lost balance while walking, when I got to the smoke room I almost fell over, someone grabbed a chair to save me from falling and I started shaking like crazy and my pulse was racing, and my eyes were flooded with tears. They had to call nurses to get to me cause the people in the smoke room were scared that I would collapse and they had to take me back in a wheelchair. Still, during the day when I'm not busy working and listening to music, I listen to things that make me cry, and I'm afraid to tell the new friends that I've made from the family how I'm feeling and what I've been doing. When I go to a store near the place I live at, I am always tempted to buy a large amount of sleeping pills and taking a large amount of them when I go to bed. I can't stop these feelings from hitting me, and I can;t stop myelf from playing songs that make me cry. Even when I watch hockey on TV and watch my favorite team I don't feel as excited as I used to during the game, and I have bought sleeping pills and I usually take 3-5 pills plus the sleeping pills that my doctor has put me on, plus the natural sleep aid pills. I usually take the 3 sleeping pills my doctor has prescribed, plus 2-4 additional sleeping pills and 3-5 natural sleep aid pills. All I wanna do during the day is sleep or cry. And sometimes I keep thinking to myself "Now it's my turn to pass away" I wish I knew how to solve these problems, but no matter what I try to do, nothing works and I keep feeling like sleeping and telling myself that it's my turn, and also tell myself that I should have gone first, not the elderly person. What can I do???? Sorry for such a long story, but I need the help. Thanx for your time and patience in reading my story and hrlping me.