Distance ~part One~


Sometimes you just have to distance yourself from the world, places, people, and things. Sometimes you just have to push people out of your life to protect them—even if it is the hardest thing to do.  At what point though do you completely let it all go?  Is it after you lose your self-respect or before you find yourself crying for hours everyday because you feel like you are just a waste of space…


Really, what is the purpose of my life?  How low do I have to go to feel like rock bottom would be a better place than the dark place I am spiraling downward into and out of control?  I’ve held my head up high and I’ve been in the middle where I can handle what comes my way and I’ve been to a dark place that consumes me.  But what about that dark place—why am I back here!  I have a wonderful companion, friend, and soul mate—more than what I deserve!  I don’t want to ruin his life any more than I have and it’s not like I have not ruined enough lives.  It feels like everyone that gets close to me gets burned by me in one way or another.  Death seems more and more like the only logical solution where more people would benefit from me being gone rather than me being here. 


I went to look up the definition of the word family at dictionary.com and it listed several different meanings.  I always thought family meant: a group of usually related individuals who live together under common household authority and esp. who have reciprocal duties to each other.  However, I find that my perception of what a family is and what a family REALLY is are two completely different things.  I’m home sick yet have no one to go home to.  I just want a big hug from my mother but she has her own life and I am a supposed “adult” that should have a grip on life and responsibility.   The only person that has not ever let me down is someone that has only been in my life a short while.  What is wrong with me?!?


I can remember growing up being angry, and sometimes for no reason while other times it was because I didn’t get my way.  Spoiled, yes I was, loved, yes I was, but it just never seemed good enough.  How odd is it to remember your childhood feeling angry, yet not knowing why?  I can remember specific events and years feeling angry.  I can remember wanting to be so independent and at the same time have some guy take care of me and just love me.  I always ran away from situations and this is something that has never changed.  Again, what is wrong with me?!?  I know deep inside that this is not normal, but I don’t seem to have any control.


I have always been a day-dreamer.  I think about the things that will never be possible, and create an artificial reality, a “what-if” version of the world that would be ideal for me to survive and be happy.  I don’t really change the people, I change the environment.  However, when I put myself in my alternate world, sometimes the things I day-dream about actually happen, but not for the better.  Oh sure, a new mate, new place to live, new friends, more money---but in the end, some of these things I find I really don’t want, but find that I need in order to make life more bearable for me to tolerate—such as more money.


When I was married to my ex I first drifted to my world where he was a different person and it was just us and the kids.  He actually loved me for me and that was all I really needed.  As things between us got worse, my world envisioned a completely different person, in a new house, in a new place.  I would alternate back and fourth between having an improved husband and a completely new husband.  I ended up with a completely new husband… and he is everything I have always wanted in a mate.


Now that I have the man of my dreams, everything else is crumbling.  Does love really conquer all?  Now I question my duties as a mother, wife, and member of society.  I mean really, what kind of person destroys relationships with people they love?  What is wrong with me?


I am so disgusted with myself.  I weight 40 pounds more than I did 4 years ago, I am in debt over 100 thousand dollars compared to NO DEBT 4 years ago, I am not the same person, with the same thoughts.  I just want to crawl into a hole and die, I really do.  It’s not because I am not loved, it’s because I bring people too much pain and unnecessary suffering. Lately I think about just leaving, leaving the only person that loves me to protect him, leaving my children so that I don’t ruin their lives, leaving society so that I am not a burden to the world.  Why keep a bad apple in a bunch of good ones—it will only spoil the others over time, right?


Maybe I will never truly be happy anywhere.  I thought leaving NY and starting a new life would bring me a new sense of belonging when all it did was make me more miserable and alone. Something is wrong with me…


I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.  I don’t even know if I am doing the right things, living the right way, loving the right way…


How long will it be before the only man that loves me decides he has had enough? Everyone has there limits and it is only a matter of time before I drive him crazy or push him away.

darkenedheart darkenedheart
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2007

After reading your post I felt like someone had touched and captured a moment from my past and gently placed it on a pedestal for all to see. I can relate to many things you are feeling, I pushed away the one I loved at a crucial point in my life and he decided that enough was enough and now I am trying to rebuild myself a happy single life. I wanted to spare him my pain and he decided he would be happier without me. Afterwards I was sorry and I wanted him back in my life but now I am accepting and realise that our relationship had been in decline for a long time before reaching that crucial moment. I miss him nearly everyday but at the same time I know now that our relationship wasnt all I wanted it to be or all that I had built it up to be. Maybe you are in a completely different situation, maybe not - if its depression medication can really help - if you can talk to your doctor it might be worth seeing them.<br />
Dont give up, your loved ones need you more than you know leaving will hurt them more than you could imagine - keep seeking help, dont give up.

i'm so glad you wrote this. you've said so many things that i can totally relate to....but, especially the part about never being satisfied. no matter how great things have ever been in my life, i always have felt like "something is missing." even when i owned a home and had a husband that loved me...even before my childrens' father passed away and things were bright and beautiful in our lives....deep down inside, i'm always miserable...always wanting something else and THINKing i know whatever that "something" is but, i'm always wrong cuz i get the stuff and then i'm still not satisfied. i, too, feel like a burden and isolate myself from people to "spare" them (and, also myself cuz people really get on my nerves, sometimes.) i don't know what the problem is, either. i've had my diagnoses, taken my medication, stayed positive, determined....etc., etc.... i'm starting to really believe that the REAL reason i'm "never satisfied" is because i'm really not being true to myself. i'm allowing myself to become a victim...a victim of my own thoughts/accusations...a victim of my own self-image. that's why it never matters who loves or accepts me... because i already feel like a burden, so that's how i experience myself...as a burden. i don't know. i don't have the answers. i can only speculate...like the rest of us (including all the mental health professionals.) what i do know is this: I WILL NOT DIE until it's time for me to die. What i do know is that i am sitting here, breathing....with real blood coarsing through my veins. I AM HERE. And, if I have to be here then I'm gonna do and be the best me i can. as long as i am here, i will always be BECOMING the best me i can be. i will NEVER come to a point when i'll be ALL THAT I CAN BE because i will always be able to become "more." that's it. i mean, the pain, darkness, suicidal thoughts....the discontent, the mental torment....those things will come and they will go...i just try remind myself that it's all a part of the passing parade. and, the emptiness? who knows if it will ever go away. all i can do is try to change what i can and accept what i can't. all i can do is remain committed to living honestly and being me. in the end, that's all any of us can ever really do...maybe that's the whole point. maybe there is no point....besides for it's all a matter of choice, really...our own, personal choice.<br />
<br />
love and blessings to you. thank you for sharing. you're not a lone. there's a lot of love here.