Round and Round, Up and Down

I have had depression for over 10 years now. The thing is though it's not a permenant state. One day I'm high on life giggling and happy (these are the days when my druggie friends jokingly ask what I'm on cause they want some). And then the next day I'm contemplating how dark and miserable my life is (on these days my greatest fear is living to an old age).

I've been prescribed medicine but I just can't take it like I'm supposed to. My depression isn't a canstant state and when I'm having a good day the meds just seem like a waste. I know eventually it will be harder and harder to come back from the bad days and that they will eventually dominaate my life but there has to be a better way than being drugged.

The worst part is the damage it does to my relationships. I never feel like the person could actually truely like me or that I could really llok good enough to have gotten noticed in the first place. This is true even on a good day. So I tend to do stupid stuff and ruin any chance I have of being happy. I become clingy or bitchy or a combination of both. My life is a perfect guide of "how to lose a guy in 10 days," but I can't seem to accept that some one might actually like me and so before I realize what I'm doing I've pushed him away.

Then I realize what I've done (sometimes) and try to appologize but if I'm that psycho why should they forgive me so I can do it again? I have run off several guys I liked like this. The last one hurt the worst because when i was with him I felt like I had found the light I had been searching for. Like I was someone else and I didn't even recognize who that dark soul I was before was.

When I was with him I was actually somebody I liked. And then without even realizing what was happening I did it again. I pushed him away. 

All I want is to be a normal peson with a normal life. I blame a lot of it on the fact that I'm a poet and it's part of the curse that comes with my gift but there are happy poets so that's just me trying to make excuses for the way that I am.

I hope someday they figure out what causes this so they can actually fix it instead of just masking it with drugs that may or may not work.

salemstar salemstar
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 19, 2007

Will u please add me as ur friend in facebook..

the only antidote for your depression is jesus, he paid on the cross for all your mistakes, your regrets, yoursorrows, and your lack. he fills every need. ask him to.

Sounds like you could be bi-polar, great ups and terible downs. make sure you discuss the up periods with your Dr. Many bi-polar people only see the depression periods as the problem so leave the up periods out of the discussion. It's important to have a proper diagnosis.

Hi there,<br />
Its true that maybe the medication will not work - but then again maybe it will. Are you willing to waste your life without knowing if the medication could have helped you change your life? Why not give it a try for a while no matter how you feel on good days - give it a try for a consistent period of time like a few months and then ob<x>jectively rate how it is affecting your life everyday by writing a note about your day in a journal. If you life is better with the medication then maybe you will be better off taking them. I had a friend who felt the same as you do and I can say she has ruined her life by her unwillingness to take medication. Dont miss out on time that you could enjoy. All the best to you and your journey through life.