Ptsd? Anxiety

I feel like putting this *somewhere* instead of just another file on my computer, so here we go.

I have been reading about PTSD because my emotional state just.... leaves some days. I think of it like a horse running away. I was on a horse one time, and it panicked. It wasn't just being disagreeable; it was scared out of its mind, and its whole enormous body was trembling under my weight. And then it took off. I was afraid it would crash through the fence. That's about how much sense it had.

And sometimes, after I do something creative or take a risk, I will leave like that. It's much less dramatic, in a way -- no 1000 pound animal. Sometimes it's like a descent of negative thoughts, sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling of dread that things will go wrong, that I've overlooked something, and sometimes it's the profound sense that nothing I do is worth anything, that I should really stop going around people or trying to create art, that I should curl up within myself and devote my life to silence and to observation.

I don't think of killing myself these days; that would be an act of communication, an act of expression, that could hurt -- would  hurt -- people. It would make people angry with me, betrayed by me, deservedly so, and I don't want to do that, even if I don't live to see it. I want ... to not hurt people. I want not to be a nuisance or a burden or anything. So instead of killing myself, I think of being numb, of being silent, of being forgotten. That is the way to do it.

But I mentioned PTSD. I haven't found a lot of good resources on how to deal with PTSD in the event that your parent was depressed. Also, I sort of wonder if she was bi-polar, not depressed, because of the outbursts of rage. I keep trying to figure out why when I express myself I absolutely panic. It's a point that my mom used to gather up emotional misery and then more or less throw it at her family, that when things seemed okay, she would explode, so I didn't trust the emotional ground I was walking on. Still don't, exactly. Still very quick to get off of it. I'm not sure what that has to do with my writing, though.

In any event, I have not felt very good for the last week,. So here we are.
inmt inmt
3 Responses Mar 6, 2012

I've been diagnosed with ptsd. If you get a flashback try to distract yourself by watching tv or going for a walk or whatever you like to do.<br />
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It is scary at the time but you are free of her now. Was your mum a very unhappy person? Mine was. That why she took it out on me.<br />
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Love and hugs over the network

She was pretty miserable. I don't get flashbacks, persay; I just either panic or shut down. The helpless feeling is odd -- because consciously I know I'm not. The hugs and internet love are most appreciated, anyway.

I have to tell you, i have been there. Wanting nothing but silence, peace. I still find it hard sometimes to talk, but i know its helping me when i do. Don't hold it in, its not good. Tell someone how you feel, just saying whatever you feel helps incredibly. Or even writing on here is like therapy. I look at what i write and then think. Just get it out, trust me it is worth it. Find something you like to do and go with it. Look for inspiration, daily. Anything good at all, you deserve happiness my friend. You do! You are an amazing person and i know you hurt and are afraid. Pull yourself out of the dark hole your digging yourself in and start to see life. Keep talking, you can do it.

Yah, I like this place. I can say things, anything, and it's just out there with people who get it, who require no explanation, and who have a... we're all in it together feeling. Thank you for the kind thoughts.

My mom was verbally and mildly physically abusive...then at 16 she took Prozac. Not only was Mom happier, so was everyone around her.<br />
She used to rage, but it was definitely not bipolar.<br />
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My wild guess? your mom only modeled bottling up rage then exploding it outward. So emotions feel really dangerous.<br />
Therapy time?<br />
I include here a good URL for PTSD symptoms:<br /><br />
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This is not to say you were not traumatized. You were.<br />
I just don't know that it adds up to what I "affectionately" call Bat Country.<br />
You might just have been that sensitive that it felt like she was going to kill you, to you.<br />
It generally takes being put in legitimate fear for your life or bodily integrity before PTSD is DX'ed. <br />
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But that's really for a therapist to determine, not some schmuck like yours truly on the internet.

Oh, it's definitely not full-blown PTSD, if PTSD it is. I've been to therapy, sure, and we definitely got to discussing family a lot. ...

I was wondering because I've seen children who have been in situations where they were helpless and afraid and unable to do anything about it shut down. I know I was not ever in fear for my life, exactly, but I certainly felt so worthless that I wanted to die at times. I used to fantasize about it as a way of getting through the day; I can always get out of feeling like this by killing myself.

Which is just rambling. I sort of imagine degrees of PTSD (which your website seems to describe), and mine would be a lesser one... not the I'mgoingtodie sort of fear,but the evveryonehatesme and I don't want to live sort.