Ptsd? AnxietyI feel like putting this *somewhere* instead of just another file on my computer, so here we go.
I have been reading about PTSD because my emotional state just.... leaves some days. I think of it like a horse running away. I was on a horse one time, and it panicked. It wasn't just being disagreeable; it was scared out of its mind, and its whole enormous body was trembling under my weight. And then it took off. I was afraid it would crash through the fence. That's about how much sense it had.
And sometimes, after I do something creative or take a risk, I will leave like that. It's much less dramatic, in a way -- no 1000 pound animal. Sometimes it's like a descent of negative thoughts, sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling of dread that things will go wrong, that I've overlooked something, and sometimes it's the profound sense that nothing I do is worth anything, that I should really stop going around people or trying to create art, that I should curl up within myself and devote my life to silence and to observation.
I don't think of killing myself these days; that would be an act of communication, an act of ex
But I mentioned PTSD. I haven't found a lot of good resources on how to deal with PTSD in the event that your parent was depressed. Also, I sort of wonder if she was bi-polar, not depressed, because of the outbursts of rage. I keep trying to figure out why when I express myself I absolutely panic. It's a point that my mom used to gather up emotional misery and then more or less throw it at her family, that when things seemed okay, she would explode, so I didn't trust the emotional ground I was walking on. Still don't, exactly. Still very quick to get off of it. I'm not sure what that has to do with my writing, though.
In any event, I have not felt very good for the last week,. So here we are.