The Power Of...Oh Forget ItI began flipping channels last night and that’s always a bad sign. If I am channel surfing that can only mean one thing—I’m about to blow. For one thing I am not that crazy about prime time television. For another, I can think of about a million other things I’d rather be doing than watching it, like having sex for example, which currently is not possible for me, so if I disliked television before, now I am seriously ready to smash the thing out of frustration. But if I am so low that I am looking for something to watch, it means that I have given up on reading for the present because I cannot concentrate, so I am hoping to latch onto something that will distract me.
The other night it was Jarhead. I have a love/hate relationship with war movies in that I am fascinated because I do not come from a military family and I have no idea what they go through, soldiers, girlfriends of soldiers, moms and dads of soldiers, so I watch because I believe that they are often true dramatizations and I need to learn about this so that I can have an understanding of what it means to go to war.
Okay fine, I have a thing for Jake Gyllenhaal. Still, I have hit rock bottom if I am watching a movie about marines because I cannot stomach most of it—what it means to be a marine. Yet there I was, mesmerized.
My goal was to convince myself that it is not that bad—that while I think I have it rough these days, there is nothing like a little war biography to make you happy to be alive and not in a war zone. By comparison I am in paradise.
I am really trying to get the whole inner peace thing in place before I go off the deep end. Jarhead didn’t help—war is hell as they say and if you are on a journey searching for the meaning of life you are certainly not going to find any answers in that genre, although someone give that guy an Oscar already. What does a man have to do?
Anyway, today I ended up online searching for inner peace tips. Wayne Dyer is hawking stuff on Tv by the way; now I am really depressed (saw that last night) and I am sick to death of the power of now nonsense, as now sucks, so enough of that. People who meditate, who can sit quietly and can concentrate on nothing? Great for them, but if a person is being pulled in a thousand different directions and they are overwhelmed with responsibility and fear and broken relationships and contemplating suicide half the time, telling them to stop and breathe and focus on the now might just end up being the tipping point if you know what I mean.
So I hit the Internet, and I came across a little gem today that might be just the thing to get this sorry *** out of the emotional hole I find myself in. Since I cannot say it better than this unknown person did (the article was not credited) I will quote:
“I confess that there is something perverse in my nature. Whenever I hear someone presenting an idea with unusual conviction, and I sense even a little anxiety revealed in excessive passion or the need to convince, I consider the opposite. For example, people often tell me how important it is to be in the here and now, and so I entertain the value of being in the there and then.”*
I have been pretty happy at times in my life. I can remember those times vividly. I also plan on being happy again one day in the not-too-distant future. So, today I hereby allow myself to wallow in the past and dream of the future; the hell with right now. See? It’s gone already. Another hour down. Since my brain is capable of storing so much, since my memories and my imagination are so readily available to me, I will sit and concentrate on what has been and what might be. It is time well spent after all.