Still Have My Days

The first time I got really depressed was in college. In my third year I moved out of the dorms and lived by myself in a small apartment. It was the first time in my life I was really alone. I was always surrounded by my family, my classmates, my dorm mates. But now I was alone. It was a shock to find out I wasn't so popular. My old "friends" stopped calling and visiting almost immediately. I wasn't very good at being friends with people anyway. I wasn't the one to initiate contact. I had always been dragged places by my friends. Weekdays weren't so bad, I had class and worked part time. Weekends were awful. Fridays and Saturday nights I just stayed in my apartment looking at a telephone that wouldn't ring.

Depression is numbing. I feel into it really deep. It wasn't that I felt so bad all the time. I felt nothing all the time. I was completely apathetic. I felt nothing I did would matter. I just stopped doing stuff. I skipped classes and failed. I skipped work and got let go. I skipped cooking food, cleaning the bathroom, washing my clothes, caring. At this time I also had a bad habit of smoking weed almost 24 hours of the day. That was the limit of my interaction of people. Buying weed from the few dopeheads I knew. I kept wasting money on that and ordering pizza everyday. I wrote bad checks for pizza and was facing eviction from my apartment. That's what eventually got me help because it got my parents involved. I left school, went to rehab and then back home. My dad said he wasn't going to pay money so I can go 200 miles away and start doing drugs again.

That was over 15 years ago. Things have changed for the better but then again some things haven't changed. I'm not alone. I'm married. He is a good guy. But then again we spend a lot of time apart, even when we are home together. I'm still a loner who doesn't have many friends but I'm more accepting of that now. For many years I took many kinds of antidepressants but for the last 5 years or so I haven't. I decided to stop therapy for awhile and just never went back, never tried to refill any prescriptions. That was when I got married and I was on a natural high for awhile. That giddy high didn't last forever of course but I felt okay enough to just not have to see someone every week.

Now some days I'm not sure how I feel. We don't have a lot of money but we pay our bills. I don't think of my husband and I as being madly in love but we get along. I don't think of myself as being particularly happy but certainly not deeply depressed like in my 20's. It's just kind of like "your 40 years old now not a kid, this is your life, deal with it". A lot of people have it rougher than me. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Still, I have my down days.
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4 Responses Mar 11, 2012

So, stop counting

For too many people popularity is a sign or symbol of worth. Nothing could be further from reality. Often a long list of "friends " simply indicates a persons need to please everyone.

I understand how you feel, my wife died 6 years ago and I have lived alone all that time. Don't get depressed, hard to live alone and I hate every minute of it but keep my head uo and keep going

If you don't mind my saying so, a dispassionate life is no life at all. Call it what you will, but there is this part of you – an innate wisdom, if you will – that has tried and tried and tried to get you to stop and fix a part of you that broke a long time ago but you've told yourself that you either don't have enough money, don't have enough time, don't have enough courage, don't have enough faith, don't have enough conviction, don't have enough belief in yourself, don't have enough love for yourself or any of the thousands of other reasons you've been rattling off to yourself every single day as justification for not stopping and trying to fix that part of you that broke down.<br />
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This innate wisdom inside of you – your other “YOU” - is tired of looking at itself in the mirror and seeing a shell, an empty husk.<br />
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“YOU” doesn't want this to be your life anymore but you haven't been listening to her so now, you've left “YOU” with no other recourse but to shut you down – completely. So, in this way, what you've been feeling every time you get Depressed is the effect of this tool “YOU” is using to get you to STOP! and do anything and everything in your power to fix “YOU”.<br />
<br />
“YOU” goes on strike :)<br />
<br />
The point is, listen to “YOU”. “YOU” will shut you down – and will keep you shut down – until you give “YOU” the life it so desperately wants. It's tired of hearing your rationalizations, your excuses - “YOU” wants no more of it!<br />
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The only way you'll make peace with “YOU” is by doing exactly what he/she wants :)<br />
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The wonderful thing is that, in the process of finally obeying “YOU”, you'll slowly feel MORE energy, MORE passion, MORE intelligence, MORE wisdom, MORE peace and MORE happiness, until one day, “YOU” decides to turn you back on and frees you from Depression.<br />
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Listen to “YOU”. Start now! :)

That's great! Don't let her die. Together, the two of you can do amazing, wonderful things :)