Still Have My DaysThe first time I got really depressed was in college. In my third year I moved out of the dorms and lived by myself in a small apartment. It was the first time in my life I was really alone. I was always surrounded by my family, my classmates, my dorm mates. But now I was alone. It was a shock to find out I wasn't so popular. My old "friends" stopped calling and visiting almost immediately. I wasn't very good at being friends with people anyway. I wasn't the one to initiate contact. I had always been dragged places by my friends. Weekdays weren't so bad, I had class and worked part time. Weekends were awful. Fridays and Saturday nights I just stayed in my apartment looking at a telephone that wouldn't ring.
Depression is numbing. I feel into it really deep. It wasn't that I felt so bad all the time. I felt nothing all the time. I was completely apathetic. I felt nothing I did would matter. I just stopped doing stuff. I skipped classes and failed. I skipped work and got let go. I skipped cooking food, cleaning the bathroom, washing my clothes, caring. At this time I also had a bad habit of smoking weed almost 24 hours of the day. That was the limit of my interaction of people. Buying weed from the few dopeheads I knew. I kept wasting money on that and ordering pizza everyday. I wrote bad checks for pizza and was facing eviction from my apartment. That's what eventually got me help because it got my parents involved. I left school, went to rehab and then back home. My dad said he wasn't going to pay money so I can go 200 miles away and start doing drugs again.
That was over 15 years ago. Things have changed for the better but then again some things haven't changed. I'm not alone. I'm married. He is a good guy. But then again we spend a lot of time apart, even when we are home together. I'm still a loner who doesn't have many friends but I'm more accepting of that now. For many years I took many kinds of antidepressants but for the last 5 years or so I haven't. I decided to stop therapy for awhile and just never went back, never tried to refill any presc
Now some days I'm not sure how I feel. We don't have a lot of money but we pay our bills. I don't think of my husband and I as being madly in love but we get along. I don't think of myself as being particularly happy but certainly not deeply depressed like in my 20's. It's just kind of like "your 40 years old now not a kid, this is your life, deal with it". A lot of people have it rougher than me. I have a lot to be thankful for.
Still, I have my down days.