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I Battle Depression

Idk....my Mindset Maybe

By: asocial
Written on April 8th, 2012
I don't understand a lot of things. One of those things in life. I don't see the purpose of our existence. The only thing that keeps me here is the possibility of an epiphany hitting me in the near future. This has cost me quite a bit throughout the years. I have gotten used to this. I will dig a hole, jump in, and then try and figure out how I'm supposed to get out. I will even go into this situation foreseeing the outcome and I will still press forward.
I have no friends. I always say I don't want any but I really don't know about that. It's easier without them. I'm very moody and a lot of the time I just want to be left alone. People annoy me. I think I would like a real friend but I am not easy to know. Along with being moody I'm callous, silent, selfish, condescending, and demanding. I'm demanding in the sense that my mood sets the atmosphere and my participation in life. When I am down I don't care about others around me. If I'm ill in mood and you don't like it, too bad. Not my problem. Leave me alone. I'm selfish because I don't care how my mood effects you.
The main method I attempt with is pills. I think it's a kind of safety net approach. I can just slip into an easy fog and soon sleep. If I wake up, so be it. If not, so be it. This way I can attempt suicide without committing to it. Although I have come close a few times. After an attempt, I tend to reevaluate things. I rewind my thoughts and start rethinking everything. I look to find that elusive epiphany. The trouble is that I keep coming to the same conclusions.
I tend to judge other people quickly and harshly. They either have a quality I see in myself and I don't like it or they have a quality I am lacking and I don't like that. I know I don't judge people based on their merits alone. I compare them to myself. I can see something I don't like about myself and project it onto them. This results in the number of people willing to be around me to be very small.
I don't share my feelings with anyone. I don't talk about that **** even with my wife. I like EP though. Anonymity is really, really nice. Weather you care...you don't care...you want to help someone...you want to help yourself... or you just want to peek into the life of some stranger, this is therapeutic. I wont count that last part as an actual epiphany, but it can carry for a  while.

By: asocial
Age: 36-40
307 people have read this story

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4 responses
  • SURVIVALINSTINCT
    SURVIVALINSTINCT

    What kind of epiphany are you talking about? I am more mean to my own family than to strangers. If you want to remain around people and yet stay to yourself AA is a good place. People come in and often they just sit quiet and listen to the stories. I at one time enjoyed it greatly. 3 month later i hate it. Couple old timers started reading me or maybe it was the paranoia. Others wanted to get close.

    Jun 1, 2012
    1 like
    • asocial
      asocial

      I briefly considered a group such as AA. But I couldn't deal with people just sitting around whining. I would walk out on them. As for epiphanies... anything that would give me a goal to work toward and live for. Something that wouldn't have me simply existing.
      Waiting for an epiphany is a great restraint.

      Jun 1, 2012
      1 like
    • SURVIVALINSTINCT
      SURVIVALINSTINCT

      I hear that. I don't know how many times i was at the meetings and i actually wanted to work the 12 steps. Step 5 is "We admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". I wanted to do that right? But my epiphany was that i have no guilt over my past. If i felt guilt and that is why i was an addict beating myself over my past confessing should have made it easer to live with myself. So in that point steps are pointless. It is a good program though for the rest

      Jun 1, 2012
      1 like
  • See2Bee
    See2Bee

    You're not an *** for getting annoyed with people or for pushing away potential friends. You're not a disgrace for detaching from society or having no desire to contribute to today's lifestyle. Who can blame you? Today's ways of living are pretty effin' disappointing, to put it lightly. Unnatural. I often wonder how some people can go their whole lives without questioning their existence, not to mention a full 24 hours. How do they do it? I question it every day. I used to be angry that the answers are kept from us. Is it not our inborn right as living breathing beings to know our purpose here? It's the most frustrating thing I've ever sought for-- that one big epiphany that explains what the **** we're doing here and what we're supposed to do with ourselves.



    But eventually I stopped punishing myself for not finding the answers, and instead accepting that they are not meant to be found. Yet. Have I given up? No. I know I'll know them someday. Am I a failure? No. Are you a failure? No. Do we have any reason to hate ourselves? Not in the least. This isn't supposed to be an easy ride. Any one who tries to portray otherwise is too afraid to face the unknown; to feel darkness. It's that ignorance and superficiality that irritates you. It irritates me too. I'd rather be alone and be "real" and honest than to pretend that everything's okay.



    But if you listen to your gut that tells you that the purpose of existence isn't meant to be remembered, right now, for the sake of having the human experience you came here for, then you can let go and just do what makes you feel good. If it feels good--genuinely good-- it's the right thing to do. What we see/hear/etc with our physical senses is not all there is, but it's what we came here for. We'll remember what's behind the veil eventually. For now though, we might as well take advantage of Earth while we're here.

    Apr 9, 2012
    1 like