I'm LosingI've been battling depression almost all my life. If all started when I was in year 7 in school when I realised that my dads sexual activities towards me was wrong. I did everything I could to suppress it into my unconscious mind which worked but it didn't stop me from being depressed. I was a very angry teenager, smashing the house up, joining gangs, dating older guys, getting drunk starting at the age of 14. I started turning suicidal. It got so bad one day that I snapped my protractor in half and with the sharp edges, I was slashes on my wrist as hard as I could so I could just die on the spot but my form tutor dragged me away. I was drinking heavily and taking sachets of paracetamol which did nothing but make me ill. Nothing I did killed me which made me really disappointed. In the end, I forgotten about what my dad did to me but didn't understand why I was so depressed. Why I was crying everynight and why I wanted to get drunk everyday so I could forget who I was. Then in July 2010, I found out why. We were on holiday and my dad walked across the room naked. When I seen him, all my memories of the sexual abuse came flooding back and my depression got worse. I kept myself to myself. I stopped working as hard at university. I cried myself to sleep every night, that was if I did sleep as half the time, I stayed awake. I got drunk everyday and was pushing everyone away from me. I was battling with myself everyday. I convinced myself that i couldn't tell the police because no one would believe me as my dad was a high respected man. In the end, I couldn't cope so I just ran away from home and was missing. The police were looking for me in helicopters but I stayed under a canal tunnel planning on drowning myself but I was so drunk I passed out and it wasn't until the morning when I realised what had happened. I didn't know what to do, I was in a blank state of mind and just turned up to uni not knowing what I was doing but the lecturer phoned the police and I had to tell them in the end. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but it didn't stop my depression, it just made it worse. I had to move out my family home and live with my grandparents who lives opposite a pub so I was over there everyday getting drunk. I spent all my student loan and dug into my saving until I didn't have a penny left then I stopped drinking which made my depression worse so I started overdosing on my beta blockers and was suicidal again. In the end, I managed to pull myself together and go back to university and study psychology. This helped me move forward as I had an ambition and was starting to pick up until court where I fell suicidal again and kept running away and stopped eating for 2 weeks but once court was over, I managed to feel better again and felt even better when both my parents were found guilty.
However, as the waiting game continued, I started to fall deeper into depression and now I am battling with myself everyday as I am tempted to overdose again and just want to be drunk everyday. I might be kicked out of university because student finance haven't paid my fees due to dropping out of my previous court which the police have send them loads of letters explaining my situation but none of those letters are good enough so my future might be ruined all because of them. If there is no uni, there is no future and no point in even living. How can I possibly move forward without having an ambition to work towards. My parents are still battling to avoid sentencing with my dad now saying he is insane to get away with it and believe me, he has a high chance of doing it and I just cannot bear this thought. He told everyone for months he is ill with a stoke with my mom going along with it until their appeal when he admitted he never had one and said it was some sort of psychotic fit which we know is a lie too. More waiting games. I can't bare it anymore, I might have gone through all this for nothing and my future may be ruined. I cannot cope anymore. Being drunk is the only way forward. Forget myself and everything around me. I feel like I am in total darkness. I have to go back to the doctors again because of this to see if I can get any help but I don't believe anything will help. How can I think positively with all of this going on? I hate myself and my life. I will never happy and I will always live in total darkness. My parents have done this to me and I hope they are happy with themselves! They deserve prison and any abuse they get from other prisoners! My mom deserves to be alone, she doesn't deserve family! I hate them both!