I'm Losing

I've been battling depression almost all my life. If all started when I was in year 7 in school when I realised that my dads sexual activities towards me was wrong. I did everything I could to suppress it into my unconscious mind which worked but it didn't stop me from being depressed. I was a very angry teenager, smashing the house up, joining gangs, dating older guys, getting drunk starting at the age of 14. I started turning suicidal. It got so bad one day that I snapped my protractor in half and with the sharp edges, I was slashes on my wrist as hard as I could so I could just die on the spot but my form tutor dragged me away. I was drinking heavily and taking sachets of paracetamol which did nothing but make me ill. Nothing I did killed me which made me really disappointed. In the end, I forgotten about what my dad did to me but didn't understand why I was so depressed. Why I was crying everynight and why I wanted to get drunk everyday so I could forget who I was. Then in July 2010, I found out why. We were on holiday and my dad walked across the room naked. When I seen him, all my memories of the sexual abuse came flooding back and my depression got worse. I kept myself to myself. I stopped working as hard at university. I cried myself to sleep every night, that was if I did sleep as half the time, I stayed awake. I got drunk everyday and was pushing everyone away from me. I was battling with myself everyday. I convinced myself that i couldn't tell the police because no one would believe me as my dad was a high respected man. In the end, I couldn't cope so I just ran away from home and was missing. The police were looking for me in helicopters but I stayed under a canal tunnel planning on drowning myself but I was so drunk I passed out and it wasn't until the morning when I realised what had happened. I didn't know what to do, I was in a blank state of mind and just turned up to uni not knowing what I was doing but the lecturer phoned the police and I had to tell them in the end. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but it didn't stop my depression, it just made it worse. I had to move out my family home and live with my grandparents who lives opposite a pub so I was over there everyday getting drunk. I spent all my student loan and dug into my saving until I didn't have a penny left then I stopped drinking which made my depression worse so I started overdosing on my beta blockers and was suicidal again. In the end, I managed to pull myself together and go back to university and study psychology. This helped me move forward as I had an ambition and was starting to pick up until court where I fell suicidal again and kept running away and stopped eating for 2 weeks but once court was over, I managed to feel better again and felt even better when both my parents were found guilty.
However, as the waiting game continued, I started to fall deeper into depression and now I am battling with myself everyday as I am tempted to overdose again and just want to be drunk everyday. I might be kicked out of university because student finance haven't paid my fees due to dropping out of my previous court which the police have send them loads of letters explaining my situation but none of those letters are good enough so my future might be ruined all because of them. If there is no uni, there is no future and no point in even living. How can I possibly move forward without having an ambition to work towards. My parents are still battling to avoid sentencing with my dad now saying he is insane to get away with it and believe me, he has a high chance of doing it and I just cannot bear this thought. He told everyone for months he is ill with a stoke with my mom going along with it until their appeal when he admitted he never had one and said it was some sort of psychotic fit which we know is a lie too. More waiting games. I can't bare it anymore, I might have gone through all this for nothing and my future may be ruined. I cannot cope anymore. Being drunk is the only way forward. Forget myself and everything around me. I feel like I am in total darkness. I have to go back to the doctors again because of this to see if I can get any help but I don't believe anything will help. How can I think positively with all of this going on? I hate myself and my life. I will never happy and I will always live in total darkness. My parents have done this to me and I hope they are happy with themselves! They deserve prison and any abuse they get from other prisoners! My mom deserves to be alone, she doesn't deserve family! I hate them both!
BeautyOfSuffering BeautyOfSuffering
26-30, F
7 Responses Apr 9, 2012

if you want you may find some help from the site <br />
<br />
www.sandf.org<br />
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take care. be well. <br />
<br />

Thank you

While you feel this way, and it getting worse, I know there is no future, no sense in life. So your first order of the day should be, and is I read, get help. You're doing that, and that is a good step. <br />
The waiting, apart from the court case, can feel like ages. Days feel like years, hours feel like months, I know. When you go to your GP, try and discuss all options (and I mean ALL options), and start with her, or him, from there.<br />
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(And, uhm, Psychology is a great study, even when you are suffering from depression, but don't expect or hope on answers for yourself from your study).<br />
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You're doing great, otherwise you couldn't write such a well written piece. <br />
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You are a remarkably brave person. You have told your story, as difficult as it is for you. Your dad has greatly wronged you, and it is so sad that he is coming up with excuses to get away with his behavior. Counselling will help you; it is too bad the waiting list is so long. While you wait, keep writing about what happened to you. Keep telling your story, getting it out of you, and its power over you will diminish. I speak from experience. It is never easy to talk about it, but there is healing in the talking. In Canada, we have a professional hockey pla<x>yer who has come out and told his story about his coach who sexually abused him and other pla<x>yers. This coach was a highly recognized guy with a great reputation, probably like your dad. By telling his story, this pla<x>yer got others to tell theirs, and now this man is behind bars. Sure, his sentence is short, but his life is ruined for his actions. He got caught, and your dad will also get caught. The hockey pla<x>yer's name is Sheldon Kennedy. Look him up on the internet, and get a copy of his book if you can. You will be strengthened by this read.<br />
I speak from experience, as I, too, suffered sexual abuse from an early age through my adult years. This was not from a parent, but from other family members and close friends to the family. It was awful for me. I am just now talking about it, and it happened almost 40 years ago. It is very painful to go through, but getting it out from within me, telling my secrets, is making me a more healthy person.<br />
I commend you for writing your story, and I thank you for sharing it here. I will be with you supporting you as you go through this painful experience.

Thank you so much for this comment. I am so sorry that you have had to go through sexual abuse too, it is a very awful thing that ruins your life. I will try everything I can to get better because at the end of the day, I don't want him to win. I need to stay strong so I can try and move on.

I am glad you are going to try everything to get better, and I believe he won't win. You are strong, and you will move on. You are an enriching individual who demonstrates much inner strength.

I don't think Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy has made it across the pond...but there are workbooks.<br />
Too, I understand you need a GP referral, but MIND seems to be a good organization, I was trying to get my friend to go to them. Group therapy with other abuse survivors might help you to feel less isolated.<br />
Am adding you, I've been through sexual abuse also.

Yeah, I shall be seeing my doctor soon so hopefully he can refer me to something similar. I am sorry that you have been through sexual abuse too, it is horrible! :(

I'm amazed at how coherently you write despite your obvious state of mind. You must have a pretty high IQ to put up with all this crap and still attend uni, getting by on raw ability and guts alone. Good for you.<br />
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About the only thing I can say is that you are young and it does get better. If you are studying psychology then you already know your brain won't mature until 25 and it takes most people another five years after that to integrate their personality. For traumatized people takes even longer. Treat yourself like glass and know that the better you deal with the situation now the better the results will be for the rest of your life. This is your chance not only to survive, but to possibly thrive later on. I know that sounds like a hollow promise, but its all you've got girl and now is not the time to give up.

Thank you so much for your comment. I will try my best to stay strong!

Well done, But bloody hell, some things don't seem to change! There's obviously still a shortage of counselors, always has been, you shouldn't have to wait when you need someone now!<br />
Hold on in there Babe, and don't be afraid to hassle them if you don't get your counseling, which you are entitled to, soonest x

I know, I've been on this waiting list for five months now. The victim support team said they should be seeing me soon but I doubt it. I'm going to go to my doctor this week to see if he can refer me to someone instead xx

Ok but don't cancel this one yet. GP referrals are usually only for 6 weeks, that would be a good stop gap while this other one comes in, but realistically 6 weeks will only help you keep your head above water, you're going to need more ~ six weeks can be barely long enough to get comfortable with somebody! x

While you are at Uni, please seek out the Student Counselor, you're a psychology student, you know you shouldn't be trying to get through this alone, someone like that to talk to really does help, if you give her a proper chance, believe me I know ~ I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for a wonderful counselor.<br />
It's going to be hard for a while; but, take it from an oldie who has had some ****, It will start to get better soon x

I'm on a waiting list for counselling now so hopefully I will see someone soon. Thanks xx

How's the waiting? x