Hold On. Don't Ever Let Go.It can be so hard to deal with sometimes. Depression is soul sucking, and it will attempt to take the very essence of you, to take from you everything that makes you who you are. And please don't tell me I'm gonna be okay and that I need to move on. I'm sick of hearing empty words like, "you'll be fine, you're tough" and "you need to leave the past in the past" and "you need to get over it and move on with your life." Thanks so much. I don't want to hear that I'm going to be okay, as you cannot know that. I don't want to be told to get over it, because if I could just get over it, if it were that bloody simple, I would. I know your intentions might be the best when you say these things, and thanks, but these empty promises are the opposite of helpful, so I'd thank you kindly to keep them to yourself.
I was teased for my timidity and nerves during my whole school life, from Primary all the way up to High School – it just amplified times a million in High School, turned into bullying, and became unbearable. I developed depression and a social phobia – while I’ve always been very reserved and shy, I’d never felt fear like this. I confess, I am sensitive; I’ve just never grown thick skin, and I am hurt very easily. I was fragile, and weak, and naive. I wanted everyone to play happy and be nice. Because I had no one there to stick up for me in school, and I wouldn’t retaliate – I’d cry, unfortunately – I was an easy target, easy to push around, and people would pick on me all the more because they could see how it affected me.
My school life is not the sole cause of my depression, but it certainly played a part in it. I was also abused by my father, physically and mentally, but I don't want to go into detail on that here. I don't want to write about the stuff that he did to me -- mayhap one day I will, though I doubt it. There are certain things that I just don't want people to know. I'm certainly not ready to share it right now anyway.
So...at fifteen, I left school. I was being tormented on all sides, crap was flying at me from all directions, so to speak - I couldn't handle my father and the kids at school all at the same time, it was too much. It had all piled up, bottled up inside me for too long, and I couldn't take it any more, I had reached my limit. I had missed so many school days already, and thus I was very far behind, and that just mounted more pressure and stress on top of the already teetering pile. And I was skipping more school than I attended as well. So one day I just refused to go back. Mum blew up at me for it, but I wouldn't let her force me to go back there, I wouldn't back down from my decision. She would say, "you're making everything so hard for me," but I wouldn't let her guilt me into going back to school. I couldn't deal with it any more, with the constant taunts and the shoves, with people spitting on me, with the horrible names they would call me.
That, combined with my father's ****, made me feel worthless, helpless, and alone. I had no one to go to. No one to help me. And I couldn't help myself, which made me feel even more terrible. I feel so low sometimes that it's hard just to get out of bed. Sometimes I struggle to brush my teeth, because I just don't want to move.
I have become a hermit since I left school, hiding myself away in my bedroom, and I barely leave the house. I'm eighteen now and I only have year nine education - I never properly finished year ten, and I'm really behind in some areas. Especially mathematics, which I've always struggled with. This makes me feel even more wretched, because education is rather important to me, and I've failed. Failed everything, failed at life. I feel so wretched sometimes.
On the days that I want to give up, I try to remember why I’ve held on so long in the first place, I try to remember not to lose sight of what's important. It can be so, so hard. But I’m still holding on. Once I’ve had enough, I carry on...
I'm writing this all here to let others that feel this way know that they're not alone. You might be lost and frightened and lonely, you might feel so terribly alone sometimes... but you're not the only one who feels that way, and in this way, you're not alone. I know that helps me a little bit, to know there are others out there going through the same thing, that it isn't just me.
Here's a smile for you: 8)
Ragelovelumos 18-21, F 4 Responses 0 Apr 17, 2012