Feeling In Numbing Darkness

I had to numb myself since I was small unlike most children that are surrounded by lively colors and can laugh with full joy I did not have that ever since I was young I lived in constant hell so much violence and I had to act mature in order to survive my body was in constant stress even before I heard that word I knew it. I tried my hardest to put up with the world always seen the dark side of humans and well now that I am out of that place I can rest and unwind to the point I reverted I act like the child I never had the chance to live my psychiactric says I have post traumatic stress mood disorder nos he says I do not want to grow up because I am scared of dealing with stress. That I had to deal and shut it all down it is coming out yes indeed it ruined any chance of being normal. I had to drop out of school I tried hard to be without meds I tried to study I did well when my depression and mood swings and anxiety let me. I think it was best to be numb but even if I try I can't. Stop this hell in me the darkness that shallows me and clouds me with things I suppressed.