Lost Soul

I have battled with depression for many years. In my teen years, I thought it was just everyone suffered major sorrow and unexplained sad emotions. However, during my college years, my life slowly began to get more complex than most people surrounding me. I could not understand why people around me were having so much fun, and I should have been, yet I would get this uncontrolled, overwhelming sadness, whether it lasted few minutes or for several hours. I have always done so well with "acting happy." It just became a second nature type of thing, still today. I have thought about going to see a specialist therapist, but for some reason, it has never happened. Ironically, I am receiving my masters in counseling end of this year. I guess the stigma is true, counselors are not the best patients lol I dont know, generally I am happy, but suicidal thoughts take over so much, it is happening more and more, even with every slight situation. What are your thoughts and perhaps suggestions? I dont want to talk with friends or family, I would rather have someone who truly knows what I am going through and can be subjective. Thanks
capripaige capripaige
31-35, F
6 Responses Apr 28, 2012

Awarren makes some good points. Definitely worth speaking to your doctor about. On professional head doctors, It's difficult to find a person I like. I look for someone "on my level", that I can have confidence in their knowledge and abilities. Basically, a person that exhibits traits I admire. I haven't found one yet, so Participating on EP has helped me a good bit. Keeping your head up is impossible sometimes but don't cut life short. The possibility for it to get better always exaists, so long as your alive, don't let depression win just because it's got you backed into a corner.

I know how you are feeling. I am going through the same thing. Its like you have written down my thoughts on feeling suicidal and thinking why the hell is everyone so happy. Sorry I don't have any positive advice to give you. But I just want to tell you that you are not alone.

I do the same "acting happy" thing as you. My best advice is to really just go see a counseler or a therapist. There is such stigma in this country against mental illness, but as a masters student in counseling I guess you already know that. I felt that talking to someone without judgement and whith whom I had no background was very helpful. I was able to just let everything out and tell the truth for once instead of putting on my happy face. Of course it took a few sessions for me to be able to actually do that, but it helped. When my depression got worse, with suicidal thoughts, my therapist finally convinced my to go on medication, an ssri, which actually really helped. I guess I am trying to say that depression is not just from bad things in your life, it is literally a lack of chemical in your brain and counseling and medication can help.

Hi,.i experience the same thing. Its hard to talk to anyone abt it n pretend to be happy. After being reserved n lonely, anger n frustration sets in. its a painful road to travel. Ending this life seems easier. But thats not the answer. I m at a loss myself. I feel your pain. I hope you find your inner peace n strength to overcome this. Warm hug.

Depression can be caused by so many things. First, I would have your doctor run some blood tests to make sure you don't have a thyroid problem or a vitamin deficentcly. Low vitamin d levels can make you depressed, so you can try to take a suppliment along with zinc and omega 3's.<br />
If your tests come back normal than you can try ssri, seritonin uptake medication, in case you have an inbalance in your brain chemicals.<br />
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Hope this was helpful, good luck.

I also suffer from depression, and my best help is trusting in God, and my counselor.