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Fighting For My Life....

I have been suffering with depression since a young age. What I call the dark whole inside of me. In staed of being afraid of it I decided that I would accept it and do the best I could  to live with it.

It has become a fight. A little over a year ago I started to feel like it was slowly getting stronger and stronger and I was getting pulled deeper into the whole, I knew I was in trouble.

Over the past 6 months I have literally been fighting for my life, battling suicidal thoughts daily, feelings of hopelesness and guilt, unable to get out of bed daily, unable to attend classes and when I do barely able to keep my eyes open, and hiding from the world trying to hide from myself. A simlpe thing like getting up to shower to face the day is an internal war.

Before this I was an excellent student, very dilligent and now I'm barely scraping through. I am ashamed to explain to world that I am failing at life. I can barely cope with breathing  at times,  I can barely complete everyday tasks nevermind having to to attend and study and be social.


I am now in a battle for my life literally and I'm fighting hard. It has taken me over a year to find the strength to find help and I am releaved to say that in about 8 days I will be going to see a specialist.

I finally found the voice to scream out for help from the bottom of that dark whole and in the dark someone heard me.

Please don't give up.
BlackLilly BlackLilly 22-25, F 6 Responses May 1, 2012

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It can get better. While growing up I meddled with the dark side, my natural ability to socialize was eroded totally and I became dependent on an increasing volume of alcohal to become normal. During the last year of college I knew I had to face the world; the job interview, the people contact etc. Thats when all hell broke loose in my soul and the death struggle for my life started. I remember makig a conscious decision to win.

I was severely stammered as a result of the erosion of natural abilities, my hands and arm pit would sweat even in one to one meetings with "friends". I was a nervous wreck. I would lie if I said I fought it by myself. I had to find my God.

Looking back 25 years, how can I explain a stammering nervous wreck becoming a public speaker. It can get better, a parallel path can be created. I just cant say it is possible alone but there is and always will be help from the Great Creator.

I have been there and I know what you are going through, it does get better. :)

I believe your dark whole is your true self that you are scared to let out, and it is crying to be let out. I think it is fighting for its life. Every day we are told how we should be and what we should do and we tell ourselves the same thing. When something inside of ourselves emerges and we disagree with it, we supress it. But it is a part of you. You say you are putting on a mask every day. But that means that you are not letting what is inside of you show, and it is hurting you. We crave to let ourselves out. It is VERY scary... I know. But the more we fight our inner self, the harder it gets. It becomes a war. And its a war that you can't win. It is possible to come to a place of peace with your feelings. The harder you hold on to your illusion and fear the harder the war will get. This may sound strange, but I would suggest surrender. You can't keep living your life like this. I don't mean kill yourself... I mean just let it out. Stop hiding. Being an excellent student isn't what the world is about. What else is there to life? You are NOT failing at life. Life is what you make of it, not what you or anyone else or your brain tells you it SHOULD be! And maybe thats what your 'darker whole' is trying to show you. I wonder what it is trying to show you. It may not be a problem. It may be that you are scared of walking your true path, which may be something that you disagree with right now. Its taken me a long time to stay have the courage to follow my urges. I believe they may help you as well. I don't really give a crap if anybody agrees with what I'm saying or not, but I believe that your wanting to commit suicide is because your fight with yourself is so tiring that you can't feel like you can't go on. But you aren't letting go. It is admirable your willpower. But it may be worth it to listen to what that other side is trying to say to you. I wish I could talk to you more. You are making perfect sense to me, and if nothing else I understand you, and I am here with you, and you have my sympathy and understanding.

Well done for finally reaching out, I've nearly finished my course of counselling and I have to say it's done wonders. I won't lie to you hun, it's HARD and painful but so worth it. I have my last session next week and I'm a bit apprehensive about going it alone. Don't give up!!!! xxx

Please, try to find out the reason. It seems you are an amazing person with good qualities, intelligence and a fighter too. So, don't worry you are coming out. But, we need to find the root cause of your depression.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is very inspirational to me as I too have been depressed for a long time and battle suicidal thoughts daily. As I read your story I found myself rooting for you passionately and wishing that you make it to the other side alive. Being in the midst of suicidal depression is so difficult to open up about and talk to loved ones about because they just can't relate. It gives me strength and hope to read your story because it makes my struggle feel less lonely. I am taking medication and seeing a specialist now so I know I'm taking the right steps...it's the in between phase that can be so difficult and overwhelming....Best of luck to you!