Depression Paralyzed Me For Much Of My Life

From the time I was a little girl, I was abused. It was everything. Sexual, Physical, Mental, Emotional Abuse. I hated it all. I hated myself most of all.

Yes, for most of my life, I've wanted not to wake up.

I thought, "If only I could die quietly in my sleep, that would be Heaven." Children can not run. They can not escape their tormenters. They have to learn to live with it all, and somehow go to school at the same time.

It drove me mad. I was so depressed I could barely move.

Depression is like that. It makes a person think they can't do anything. It's a living death, almost.

I was hospitalized and medicated. Those medications did not really help. Inside, I was screaming, but I had to stay silent. Is that not madness? To be in pain, yet unable to scream?

I am convinced there is a part of me that is still mad. I must somehow let it scream.

That would be a normal response.

To scream when one is being hurt.

It's all horrific, what I've been through. But, I am learning to scream, so that I can be in touch with my human qualities.

Abuse dehumanized a human girl. I had to live on inhumanity. My conditions and circumstances no longer require I scream in silence.

A friend has taught me much and I have changed.

In the end, we need other people to help us get through the darkness of depression. To see the light of day, we need other people.
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2 Responses May 4, 2012

You've got to cry without weeping<br />
Talk without speaking...<br />
and scream without raising your voice - U2<br />
<br />
I know how you feel.

I hear you on how depression makes our lives stand still. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I am just now seeing how different my emotions are than people who have not been in that situation. Survivors have to develop coping mechanisms to stay alive and after the torment has ended it is hard to know how to really be. It has been over 20 years since I was abused, but now I am just exploring what happened and how to heal. I am glad you have someone who is helping you see the light again. Positive people make a big difference. Keep fighting.