Can't Find Happiness Anymore..

Before you read this, I'm warning you that this is going to be a pretty long story, but I'd love it if you read it and commented :)
I've always been shy, not very out-going. I have a hard time making new friends, and I don't feel comfortable around other people..except a few friends. Even writing here is hard. Should I submit my story? Should I not? Should I?
So this is my story:
I'm 15 and since I'm small, my family and me move around the world often, for my dad's work.
I lived in Romania, then moved to Germany, where I'm not going to lie, was awful. I went into a mutism phase, where I would never talk to anyone, stay alone mostly. I learned to speak German even though I nearly never spoke it. I only felt comfortable at home.
After a few years in Gemany, I moved to China, with my two sisters and parents. That was an incredible experience! The dark days I'd had in Germany totally disappeared. I met so many people, made loads of friends but most important, I met this German girl, my age.
We only knew each other for a few months and already, she was my best friend, and we talked german together. My parents were amazed. For so long I had always refused to talk in the country I was in before, and then I met Charlotte (the german girl) and I started to be more out-going and the mutism I had went away, just like that in a few days.
Of course, it took me some time to adapt, but I was loving it! The school was amazing and everyone was nice. For about 3 or 4 years, I was Happy with a big H. We lived in a compound with other people that also went to my school, and were in the same grade.
We'd go to the pool whenever we wanted to and we never had to depend on our parents to drive us to our friends house.
One day, I fell in love with a guy (of course!) and we were "together for about a few months". But our love was totally secret and at school we never showed it. I was still pretty small then (grade 6)
After summer holidays, I entered grade 7, and Thomas (the guy) seemed to have totally forgotten me. It was like nothing had ever happened between us, like we had never even met.
It was that year that everything began to change for me. Yes, I was really sad because of Thomas, but I had to get over it. So I did.
But at the end of the year, he was jealous because another guy was asking him advice on how to approach me..
He tried to get me back, but it was the end of the school year, but it was also my last year in China. Despite that, Thomas came back to me, and I realized I still loved him. We got back together just before school ended, but we never broke up before I moved again.
3 years later, and so many miles away from him, I'm still not sure of my feelings for him. But I'm starting to get over it.
Anyways, that was the first year that everything slowly began to change for me. At home I sometimes had shouts with my dad and my sisters. I felt like they would be better off without me. But I wasn't actually depressed. I was just sad at some times.
We moved to Belgium, where I'm now. It's been nearly 3 years, but I feel like I'm still new here.
My sisters and I go to a private school, but I HATE it. Everyone is so full of money and the only thing they can think if are Clothes, money all that stuff.
And I don't know if you know what it's like, but once you move around so much, you open yourself. Your view of the world changes and it really shows you to appreciate different cultures and everything. It's just as if you were a flower blooming and opening its leaves/petals whatever it's called. It's basically just like that.
Anyways, my arguments with my dad got worse and they happened so much more often.
One argument really stayed in my mind. One in particular.
We were in Club Med, in Bali. (OMG, my text nearly disappeared O_o nearly had a heart attack...) It was the summer during which I moved to belgium. So basically, I was hating it. I'm not trying to be a spoiled brat or anything because I mean, it IS Club Med, which is a great place where you can't permit yourself to go really often (except if you have loads of money..). But I mean I was enjoying it, the beach and everything. I was nice. But I was alone, my sisters were always together (there's a big age difference between us) and my parents.. Well that's another thing.
Here's the memory:
My dad and I were in the computer room(only 2 computers), which was empty except for us two. He went on a computer and I chose another one.
I couldn't manage to log on for some reason. I think it was because we were supposed to put a password or something but I didn't know what to do. So I did what everyone would have done if their father was there, right? I asked him what he had done to log on. He just told me he put on the computer and it was already logged on. I asked him if he could log me in. He said nothing, didn't anwser, completely engrossed in what he was reading. A guy from the hotel came and I asked him. He didn't do it for me, just explained. But I couldn't get it right. I asked dad again, and that was the drop of water that made the vase overflow. He got up and started yelling at me, saying I was fat and lazy, that if I couldn't get something done, I should try and move my butt to get some help. He continued yelling and accusing me for a good 10 minutes. I was shocked. He'd never really been like that to me. I wrote everything down. "You know what kills me, is that you never do anything to get up, move you butt and ask for help. Don't just sit there and expect me to help you because I won't! If you're not gonna go and ask the guy RIGHT now, then move. Get out of here. right now!" He yelled. Today, I can still hear his words ringing in my ears. I got up, with tears in my eyes. I ran to our room and locked myself in and cried myself to sleep.
He said other things as well, but I won't write them here.
So that's for the little anecdote. The day everything REALLY began to change for me.

I'm warning you again, that this is going to last for another few minutes, but please keep on reading :) It would mean so much to me if you did :)

I arrived at my new school wearing these sort of "hiking" trousers with my running shoes and a t-shirt I can't remember.
Everyone had nice summery flowing skirts and ballerinas and leather sandals. I felt horrible. I felt like the center of attention.
I was in a class where everyone was really outgoing and loud and everyone already knew each other. There was another new girl and we stayed together, but then she started to join the other girls of the class. in the grade there was this "English girls" group and they were always nice to me :) They invited me to stay with them even though I wasn't in their class. They were the only friends I had but I was unhappy with them. Every time I laughed it was a fake-laugh. It was never true.
Things got worse over the course of the year. A year had nearly passed, and still no one invited me in the class. I tried sticking with them but they kept in their little group and left me out. I felt unwanted, unloved. At home, things weren't much better. Fights with dad and my sisters only got worse and nearly after every argument I retread in my room and cried. I ate less and got really thin.
Dad got concerned and said I had to eat more and sometimes forced me. People, especially my family commented on how thin I was.
Eating at dinner and lunch was horrible. I didn't want to eat, and if I did I ate so little. However, whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt fat and ugly.
I fell into a vicious cycle and I was very unhappy, depressed. I cried much. I had suicidal thoughts but no one realized I was totally depressed. My parents and I never discussed it and I think they never knew at that time what I was going through.
Sometimes when I was alone at home, I would go down and stare at those kitchen knifes. Never before had they seemed so appealing to me. Summer arrived and I passed my exams. Summer was really nice and I started going better. I came into 9th grade and I really started to force my way into the group of girls form my class. Slowly they came to accept me, but still often left me out of their circle. But I persevered and at the end of the year I was pretty good friends with them. I was happy again. Summer came and passed.
One of the girl that belonged to the group left for another school. In 10th grade, where I now am, I became really close to Charlotte (one of the girls). We stayed together in class, during breaks. It was nice, I finally had someone to hang with.
But now, things are starting to get bad again..
Depression slowly edged its way back into my life. Again, at home things aren't better. I can't stand it now.
There are some days where my dad is so annoying that I cry of frustration and lock myself. I've been like this for now about 7 months.. or more. I feel like happiness has disappeared, and that I don't deserve it.
I feel like a burden to my family, as if my attitude is affecting everyone. At school, I don't speak much anymore, even with Charlotte.
She's met this girl, Alexandra who did our spring dance with us for the school show. Since then they have been really close.
This time, my parents have noticed a change in me. Mum told me she had taken a appointment for me with the counsollor-psycologist of our school. I went and it was horrible. Though she was really nice. What she asked me made me cry. All the hurt I'd been hiding deep inside came out rushing and tears spilled. But I felt so much better afterwards.
It's been 3 months since I've seen her, and I haven't been able to see her again.
I took me so long to actually get to courage to go and see her. And you know what? After 2 months I finally did it but..
She wasn't there. I've been three times and all the times I've gone she wasn't there. What am I supposed to do???
I'm going crazy here, there's no one I can talk to. Things are getting worse, and I've actually started to cut myself..
I'm ashamed of myself, the way I am. There's not one day where I don't think about what it would be like to disappear from earth. There's not one day where I don't cry.
I feel hopeless. And I've realizes that I'm not alone; so many other people are going and went trough stuff like this.
I want to live again, I want to be happy again. I want things to be better, but I 'm lost. I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert, stretching out for miles and miles, and that whatever I do, wherever I go, I end up at the same place, and that I'm turning around in circles...

So this is my story. I know it's long and if you are reading these last lines, I say thanks so much for reading this and please comment so I can see I'm not alone...
And for people who are struggling out there just like me and so many other people, I just want them to know that things can go better for you and never to lose hope even though it's very hard. :) (ok, I'm submitting my story. Even doing this is really hard..-but I will)

Xxxilaxx Xxxilaxx
18-21, F
4 Responses May 5, 2012

Sorry if I don't make much sense but to it it makes sense lol<br />
<br />
But I'm guessing that it makes you feel wore when you know that noone is really there for you because of all your moving.<br />
And I don't know your dad, but maybe he's just fusterated with his work and he doesn't have a way to let it out so he just yells at you??<br />
But other then that you seem like you're a great person and you care about others being happy. <br />
You just have to look on the bright side and realize that you have soo much going for you that others wish they had. You are very smart and can go far in your life. Just don't let anything bring you down. <br />
I'm always here to talk if you want :)<br />
The worst thing in the world is being alone.

Thanks soo much, and same goes for you, don't let anything bring you down! :) so true, it's definitely the worst thing..

it does feel good to finally get it out doesn't it? its been the same with me, never feeling part of any group, being used by friends, even thinking about harming yourself. i have repressed my feeling for a long time thru drugs and when the drugs stopped the feelings rushed back, i hit rock bottom and finally got help. still the fight with depression is their and i fight it everyday. never feel like you are alone, you arent. you are strong and need to confront and fight what is bothering you, i have been doing that and it has helped so much. Keep fightin and keep writing if it helps.

never felt like this before! I was like "ok. now everyone can see my story and my life.." I'll add you to my circle and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here :)

wow that was long but you are very brave and yet you seem strong... howver, i can relate to your depression because i know what that is like and i do hope that it gets better for you even the family issues...Ive been there and i know how hard it is to overcome depression because i have it up till today and i try my best to tame and control it... you need to ensure that the past doesn't come back to your because it draws your depression....

You did a brave thing, you submitted your story. No, you're not alone, although it seems that way. So keep the courage, and write a note to the school-counsellor, just stating you need to see her and can she please make an appointment. <br />
Just keep breathing, and try to smile, hugz