Clinical Depression Is Depressing

I battle this and have for years. When I think back, I was probably depressed since my teen years but never knew it. It wasn't until I went to my yearly physical and talked to my doctor. The one comment that I had was, "Doctor, I am depressed. I have a new job, a new girlfriend, things are looking up and all I want to do is cry." That was when I realized I was a basket case.

I went on Zoloft and that did the trick for about a year and maybe almost two when the depression began returning. I've described it as a dark cloud looming behind me getting closer. It's how I always imagine it and how I describe it to my psychiatrist. Anyway, the dosage was doubled and that worked for a good while.

Then something happened, I was laid off during the Great Recession. After a while, my doctor would no longer call in my prescription because I couldn't come and see him since I was unemployed and had no insurance. The medication stopped. Within a few weeks I was back to my miserable depressed self. I preferred to be in my office downstairs in the dark and gloom. I didn't want sunlight or anything cheerful because it only reminded me of how depressed I was.

I would have fits of anger at me for feeling helpless, I couldn't play the guitar and sing without choking up in tears. Once more, I was someone that I didn't want to be around. That dark cloud wasn't over my shoulder, it was over my head raining and thundering angrily.

When I got another job, I had to fake cheerfulness and enthusiasm because I had to work and I knew that I would have medical insurance again and would be back to the happy-go-lucky self I had been since my diagnosis. I have told my boss because I see my psychiatrist about every two or three months and he knows about it. I'm a computer programmer, a software engineer, a code jockey, whatever term one uses, that's me. I am good at what I do but if my mind is filled with gloom and despair, coding can suffer or take longer than it should because I can't think clearly.

Two months ago, the cloud started coming back. Different combination of medications now, different dosages, and different times of the day. The doctor assures me we will conquer this thing one day. I hope so. I feel good right now but I wonder for how long? When will it return? What else can I be put on? How will I react to something new someday. Will it even work? Question after question and I guess the thing to do is not to worry about it. Just know when it decides to loom again behind me and try another way to cure this, if there is a cure.
RemingtonSteele RemingtonSteele
51-55, M
2 Responses May 5, 2012

The same happened to me with Zoloft, after some time it didnt work, i increase the dosage and it worked some more time but them it stopped again. Now im on bupropion and zoloft but i feet that things arent working very good.
I hope you are feeling better.

I don't think pharmacutical medications work effectivly for depression. Since scientist don't know why people become depressed, they don't know how to treat it. They assume it's a lack of seratonin( a neurotransmitter) or GABA. <br />
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What has been really helpful for me is herbal supplements. In the 1930's there was a doctor named Edward Bach, he studdied flower essence for a number of mental aliments. It's called Bach flower remedies. You can go to this web site and check out which herbal flowers you would need depending on your symptoms.<br /> and they are cheap and last a long time. You take 2 drops in a cup of water 4 times a day. You can buy them online at There are no side effects and you cannot overdose. However, if you have any known allergies to any flowers or herbs, just becareful what you buy. You can also go to a health store and buy these.<br />
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I noticed an immetate change after I started taking the herbal supplements, I hope you do to.

The thing is that the medication does work. The problem is that I seem to adapt to it. If a herbal remedy did work I would eventually adapt to it as well.

Be careful with herbal "remedies". If they haven't been through a clinical test with double blind studies then it could be a placebo (the reason for no side effects and can't overdose) or it could be something that does have a side effect that hasn't shown up yet. Just please be careful, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. You are caring and concerned and I appreciate that. I wish more were like you. :)

thank you, I do hope you feel better soon. I've battled depression most of my life, and i know how awful it is. I hope you find something that works and makes you feel better soon. Take care.