Every Moment

Today is real bad day, the past climbs back up & snuggles down deep. its only the real bad ones, the wrongs turning, the wrong words. it buries deep that  I reach the bottle of whiskey that is by my bed. i never drink it. but i know it there. like i know where my dad keeps his pills. He is really bad today drinking himself till he gets mean. he wants a fight. he want to be all cocky. He the man of the house & i have knot my stomach it going to get bad. 
i sit in my room & feel the big black wolf coming. better if i leave, so much better. no pain, no more empty helpless words. Hanging, pills, razors. think about so hard a get head. no damn good. every day it doesn't get better. just the same thing over & over, SAME DAMN THING.
& there like a teeny tiny light  in  the dark where i sit alone staring at the window.  call it hope. that it will get better. someday. it has to. keep breathing, keep hoping. hoping that light is still there tomorrow. & the fear that it wont keeps me in the dark. 

I've been battling for depression for 17 years. so tired.