How I Overcome My Depression

Life really sucked for me and then I finally woke up.  I was working 16 hrs a day practically, letting my business partner control almost every aspect of my life and I was deeply depressed from the fear to get the courage to change my life.  Then ... when I was ready, I finally hit my bottom and couldn't take the abuse anymore.  I told myself, "I can no longer be afraid, I must take responsibility for my life and live with the consequences".  Little did I know at that time that what I told myself would send me down a path of freedom.  I let everything go, walked away from my business, my home, my friends and my abusive business partner.  I left with only $300.00, my clothing and the pictures of my children.  I slept for a week on my girlfriends couch and my boyfriend, who left with me from that hell, went to go stay at his cousins.  I struggled with my feelings of fear, suicide and rage for what I had been put through.  But the same day I left my hell I told myself, "you have to get healed over everything from your past, because I want to heal this time, 100% percent".  And the more I listened to my heart, the more I discovered all the time my strength was there to do what I needed to do.  So I let it guide me, down the road and into therapy for my sexual, physical and mental abuse of 43 years.  I bleed my heart out to those women in the abuse counseling, I talked, I cried and felt the anger, the fear and confusion slip from my shoulders.  And every time I felt depression come back, I would pray and seek answers instead of slipping back into victim mode.  I finally was able to reach my inner child and when she was crying for attention, I feed her.  She was wounded, lonely and a very sad child.  But I loved her and I wanted to care for her so I could become the woman I am today.   So I continue, one day at a time, to care for her.  I go to Al-none meetings, over-eater's meetings, I listen to Prem Rawat who delivers his Words of Peace and I use slogans and tools of my self care programs to help me EVERY DAY.  If I don't use them I lean into disaster.  Life is not living in the past or the future, life is now, in the present, and each breath I take is a gift.  My depression today feels very VERY far away... and when it attempts to resurface, I walk right up to it and tell it to go away.  I face my fears, I face my loneliness and I face the realities that society pushes for things I don't want.  I accept life as it is right now and let go of things I want and instead focus on things I need... water, food, shelter and each breath I take.  I love myself today. 
mnette03 mnette03
41-45, F
May 6, 2012