My Thoughts

Hi My Name Is Brienne Im 20 Years Old And I Suffer From Depression .It Started When I Was In Middle School I Was Probaly About 11 Or 12 Years Old In School I Was Picked On Alot Talked About Bad Even By My So Called Friends I Would Try To Act Like It Didnt Bother Me But When I Got Home I Would Ball My Eyes Out For Hours Even Locking Myself In My Room For Days All I Ever Wanted Was To Be Accepted Towards High School As I Got Older My Self Esteem Became Lower And The Depression Started To Become More Clear To Me The Bullying At School Continued And I Was Beginning To Feel Alone At That Point I Attempted Suicide 3 Times But Just Couldnt Go Through With It .Lets Fast Forward Now I Still Continue To Battle Depression Im Crying Right Now As We Speak Ive Been To The Doctors Therapists All That But nothing Works Me And My family Are Buttin Heads I Feel Even More Alone Now I Cry Everyday For Sometimes No reason I Continue To Have The Suicide Thoughts I Mean Its Crazy I Thought I Was Going Through A Phase But This Is Real Im Slowly Losing Hope On Life I Wanna End My Life But I Know Its Not My Time Right Now All Im Really Saying is Depression Is THE WORST I HATE IT !!!!
BreBre20 BreBre20
18-21
1 Response May 7, 2012

So sorry to hear your story. Yes depression is real trouble, vicious and selfish. It seems like it wants your soul, if we had one.<br />
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At 20 you can still have a great life ahead but you have some hard work to do. You haven't even scratched the surface of treatment yet, believe me.<br />
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Firstly, therapy won't help while you are that low. Stop that until you are ready.<br />
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Next make sure you are seeing only a shrink, not a GP. Referall from GP. Give them 2 - 3 sessions before you decide to stay or try another. It is critical to have one who listens, doesn't preach and discusses with you, not tells you. You need to like them enough to be fully honest and open with them.<br />
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Then there's finding a med. Most people give a med up too quickly as they didn't get relief as expected. Some meds don't work for some weeks, mine took 6 weeks. Dose increases are usally needed too as the first dose is usually a doc just seeing if you tolerate it. Side effects can be nasty as you should know.<br />
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If you find those then you must comply, don't self medicate. Discuss with doc before any change and above all commit yourself to getting better. It can and will be done if you find what I say.<br />
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Once you have the shrink and meds that DO raise your mood then it's time for therapy as you will be more rational, think clearer and be able to tell your story.<br />
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Remember this. Despite the obvious cause, the answers to fixing it lies only with you, in you and in your own strength. Talking it out and seeing the issues is critical to healing. Boring doing it over and over but if you don't reveal all they can't help you.<br />
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No one is ever going to tell you "This is your cure". There is no "cure". There is vast improvement but we must be vigilant after as well to ensure it doesn't come back as age will do that. Bring it back unless you are vigilant. For me that means continuing meds and seeing my shrink. About 6 weekly now.<br />
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We can never be who we were, but likely we don't even remember or want to be who that was. I have come to a place where I have a still and peaceful mind. I'm content and have no fear or anxiety any more. I use CBT to dismiss any negative thoughts that I let run riot for decades. I've had it on and off for 50 years you see. Due mainly to the ignorance of myself, and my father.<br />
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Never give up, keep trying and take charge of YOUR treatment. It's your life, your mind and your money. They work for YOU.<br />
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If you are having trouble with your family, that's highly normal for us so get away from them, at least until you are well enough to consider seeing them. It is rare indeed that family helps us as they are ashamed of us and blame themselves deep down.<br />
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Come on, you can do it.<br />
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Next time you have a big cry, and it's actually good for you, nature's way, BAWL your eyes out, not ball them out. Yes, I'm pedantic but forgive me that.<br />
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Do CBT when the therapy stage is reached, it's critical.