Typical Teenage Troubles

I dont know where to start. I know none of this sounds like much....but it has all added up and broken and shaken me to the core. Relationships (actually lack of), school, drugs, confusion, meds....and more all contribute to my life.
It started when i was put up for adoption when i was 2 minutes old. My mother was high on cocaine, marijuana, and MDMA while giving birth to me. I was an orphan for 4 years. Then a foster child for 2 years. Then adopted by the MOST OVER-PROTECTIVE parents EVER. I've been made fun of for being adopted my entire life...its just something that makes me that much different. All the way from 3rd grade until i graduated high school i built the reputation of the class clown trouble maker. I hear people say "if i could go back i wouldn't change a thing." I would change it all. Because of that reputation i got kicked out of high school 2 months before my graduation. I went to abeyance and got into drugs because i was so depressed. I smoked weed EVERYDAY like 5 times a day. It started taking over my life. I lost some of the closest people to me (including my girlfriend of the time) because i chose weed over her and my friends.  I enrolled in my community college (my grades werent good enough for a university....and everybody told me i couldn't handle one) for a semester the fall after i graduated. 2 weeks into it i dropped out of all my classes because i didnt like to get up early. So I joined the Army the fall after i graduated. I took the oath and everything. 1 month before i was shipping out i dropped out of that....because i liked weed too much. it helped me too much and i couldnt stop. I took and oath to protect my ******* country and because of weed i backed out of that. So after all of that, i met a girl. Her name was Danielle. (i know it sounds cliche....but its the truth) She did something to me...i dont know what it was. But the day i met her i felt something. I got my stuff together...for her. I stopped smoking weed, got into school again, and got a job. I was doing good. I talked to her and saw her a lot. But i met up with one of my friends from a while back....and took one hit of the reefer. I was hooked again. I hid it for a while...then i started hanging out with Danielle stoned. Her parents found out and things went down hill from there. I couldn't see her anymore....wasn't allowed into their house....we became the modern day romeo and Juliet. I tried to keep talking to her....but she slowly lost interest. I was broken once again. I quit my job, and dropped out of school again. I was hooked on the weed again. From there i didn't know what to do. So i kept smoking. We were still friends so we talked a few times a week and hung out some. She didnt like me anymore.....but i still loooooved her. I couldn't get over her....i just couldn't. I knew she didnt like me anymore but i kept trying to get back with her...but her parents lost all faith and trust in me....again....i lost people close to me from drugs. I stopped looking for a job, and smoked weed all day everyday. I gained weight, lost connection with almost all my old friends. It was about time to sign up for another semester....so i did....then dropped out again.  I started to deal drugs at this point because i didnt see myself going anywhere....and i thought i could make some money doing it. i was a king for a while. made all the money in the world... Danielle was off my mind because i made new friends, was always high, had money to spend and go do things....not a worry in the world. Then one night i took 2 Tramadol, and smoked A LOT of weed....and had a panic attack. Worst. Thing. Ever. While i was having a panic attack i got a phone call that 3 of my friends were going 112mph down a very small windy road....next to the river. They flipped the car, got airborne, went through a tree, rolled down a driveway and ended up upside down in the river. They were all ok though. I lost it....i went to the ER, my parents found out i was smoking again. I was lost again. So i quit smoking and dealing (to this day i havent still....i have tried but my body literally rejects it and goes into panic...so i cant do it). But now i was broken....crippling panic and anxiety EVERY day for HOURS. I got a psychiatrist (also i have been seeing a psychologist for like 10 years for my ADHD). He prescribed my Paxil...it fixed everything....except not having Danielle. For some reason....i thought of Danielle. I wanted her more than anything at this point. I hadn't talked to her or heard of her in months. So i texted her...and messaged her on facebook. we started talking again....but not much. I cried every night because she didnt even know who i was anymore. Its hard loving someone to death from a distance and they dont even know....i didnt know what to do. I slowly forgot about her again...and eventually totally. Eventually I got a job at Publix...and enrolled in classes...but dropped out of them again. I was doing alright. Out of drugs for good, and earning a living. Then one day my friend comes up and says, "Runaway country music festival this weekend. 3 days of partying. You wanna go." I said sure. I had work over the weekend but got the shifts covered.........except Saturdays. We went and guess who was there......Danielle. My heart skipped a beat and i lost it again. I was so happy to see her (it had been almost half a year) I wanted nothing more than to get drunk and party with the girl of my dreams all weekend. We did for one night... Saturday morning i forgot to call into work though. Then her friends from school showed up. (now im a "surfer/skater" looking guy. Danielle is a country southern girl....as were her friends.) as soon as they showed up....i was invisible. The only things she said to me for the next 2 and a half days was "is that your water?" I wanted to die....but i wasn't going to cry in front of anyone. so i played it off like i was having a great time...i drank away all my problems Saturday night. i blacked out. didnt know what happened or where i was. Apparently i beat the **** out of some kid and tried to tell Danielle i loved her. it didnt work...the next day i felt like ****. It became clear to me that i wasnt what Danielle was looking for anymore. i wasnt a country boy...i surfed and skated....i didnt go mudding or hang around bonfires. when i left i got home and checked my work schedule.....my hours had been cut from 26-32/week.......to 3 per week....i knew i was screwed....at this point i decided to erase Danielle from my memory (knowing she didnt love or even like me anymore)...somehow. i needed to. but i couldnt. this brings you up to now....the country festival was the weekend that just passed and its brought me back to here....this place to pour out my soul....i need advice. should i forget her...what should i do about work? i dont know where to go from here....i know these are really broad questions but i dont know what to even ask. i dont know who i am. my medication makes it impossible to cry or laugh. its hard to focus and think. all i do is play xbox and eat junk food. all i want is to join the navy and go through BUD/S. i want to leave everything behind....but i cant bear to think of leaving Danielle behind. i know the memory of her is never going to leave and will always kill me....
jewphin44 jewphin44
1 Response May 8, 2012

Ever hear of the ex<x>pression "live and learn". Well, that is what you have to do. Sure, you made some mistakes, we all do. However, its about learning how not to make them again, and learning a lesson. If you don't have any hopes for a relationship with Danielle then you should move on. When you find another girl you really like, learn from your past relationship and don't do the things that ruined the relationship. <br />
Be responsible for your life. If you have to work the next morning, parting the night before is a bad idea. Having a job is more important than parting. <br />
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My brother served 2 tours in the army. He had told me boot camp is no joke or walk in the park, he had to wake up at 5:00 am every day. He had to stay awake for 48 hrs out in a blizzard. If you are ready for this commitment then thats ok, but if not then don't get into it. Because you can't just drop out like school. Your there for atleast 2 years. <br />
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You have a problem staying in school. Is it your ADHD that makes it difficult? If your not on any medication for adhd I would ask my doctor for some, tell him you need it to continue with your education.<br />
You can also try going to school online. I went to a traditional college for a year and it was a lot of work. I just starting taking classes online and I really like it. So, check your options and see what will work for you.<br />
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Life will get better, just learn as you go and try not to repeat the same mistakes. You are in control of your own destiny, so try to make the best choices for yourself. <br />
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Take Care,