Hoping To Find Support Here

I am a 43-year-old single mom, single for the last 18 years (I never dated at all after my husband left when I was pregnant with my youngest). I've raised a lot of kids, my own and others, and that's kept me busy for nearly a couple of decades. They're getting older now, obviously, and in some ways that's problematic for me. You see, it is very difficult to hide certain things from them once they're grown.

I was diagnosed with "major depression" (or whatever they were calling it that week) three or four years ago - I can't remember exactly when. The diagnosis came as no surprise to me, though. I had always been quite certain there was something "wrong" with me, ever since childhood. Something just made it much harder for me to get through the days than it seemed to be for other people. In any case, I knew when I finally went to a doctor that they would diagnose me with something. They medicated me and that didn't make much difference - certainly not enough difference to be worth the trouble of keeping up with medications. They gave me a therapist to talk to and she gave me some of the worst advice I've ever received in my life. After a couple of years on the medications and with the babbling sessions I threw in the towel on all that. It wasn't getting me anywhere and wasn't worth the effort of keeping up with refills and appointments. So I haven't had any "professional help" in about a year now, not that it was ever really "help" in the first place.

But here's the thing: I used to have friends. In 2011, due to a series of events that were completely unrelated to one another, I lost everyone I'd ever been close to. And every one of those losses, even though they were - as I said - not related, involved someone betraying my trust. I don't mean situations where perhaps I only perceived a breach of trust, I mean out-and-out back-stabbing, throw-me-under-the-bus betrayals. It was an unbelievable year in that regard. Each time it would happen I would think, "No - this cannot be happening again. Not from [insert name here], not from my friend of so many years, not from this person with whom I would have entrusted my life." But it did happen, over and over and over. It was a hell of a year. And I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.

So, here I am, more alone than I've ever been in my life. There is no one to turn to, and there's little hope that there will ever be anyone to turn to again. And I try to cope with things myself, but bottling it all in is so very difficult. That's where the issue of the kids comes in, too. See, they are old enough now to see that Mom is not okay. I was able - quite successfully - to hide my struggles from them for all the years while they were growing up. I was almost heroic in their eyes - they've told me so. They thought Mom could handle anything, and in reality Mom DID handle everything, but it was difficult and they just never saw the difficulty before. They saw what happened to me in 2011, though, and it threw off their sense of trust as well. Not just because they saw what the people in my life did to me, but because they saw me crumble. Now they don't trust others, but they also don't trust me, don't trust me to be their rock.

I'm babbling. Anyway, my point is that I not only have no one to talk to, nowhere to vent, but I also feel the strong obligation to keep my chin up at all times and keep a smile on my face. Any sign of sadness or negative emotion sends my kids into a tailspin. So I am hoping that possibly I can find a place to vent, find people to talk to, here online. It's something I've never tried before.

Was I supposed to go into more detail about my life in this first "story"? Well, I just can't right now. I don't have it in me at the moment to dredge everything up. This will have to suffice for the time being.
MomUnderneath MomUnderneath
41-45, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

writing helps a lot, I agree with awarr about the new therapist, you need one to click with. A good one listens to you, and you help your self through just letting it out, they told me to put down my shield of iron, and I have. Depression doesn't ever go away its always there watching and waiting. But you can learn coping skills. My kids well my whole family thinks I am the rock to lean on and fix everything, and like you can't let em down ever. I have been in the hospital for months because of it. But please just reach out help is there.good luck and God bless

You can write about anything you want. It's good to get things out. I do hope things get better. Did you ever try to find a new therapist? Having a new one may help.<br />
<br />
I hope you feel better soon, and never give up on yourself.