I Think

I think that this all started from day one. I killed my mom the day I was born...the day I entered the world she escaped it. My dad never said much, I don't really know what he was like before I happened...I remember the days in our house were spent in silence, we never really talked and even though we didn't say much, the way he looked at me told me everything. I don't hate my father, I understand it's my fault she died....he died when I was 5 years old; the doctors said it was cancer but I know that what he really died from was a broken heart.

I remember his funeral, I remember me standing in front of his coffin holding a small cross, me staring into the empty space as the social worker behind me patted me on the back. Growing up I always kept to myself, I never let anyone in but the more I did that the more I realized I was getting worse, but maybe this is how it is supposed to be, maybe I'm not supposed to get any better. I think about my mom sometimes and I wonder what she was like....I wonder if even though she is dead she thinks about me, I wonder if she worries if I am okay, I wonder a lot of things but most of all I wonder why I am still here and they are not, I wonder about my purpose. I wish it wasn't just me, I wish it wasn't just me here but if this is life, maybe death isn't so bad...
lakid21 lakid21
22-25, M
2 Responses May 10, 2012

Aww but I am sure that your mom is watching over you and is with you in spirits :) death is never the answer my dear.... Never blame yourself for what happened to your mom i am totally sure she would want you to enjoy your life rather than be depressed about it... keep your chin up :) Don't feel guilty for what occurred to your mom its not your fault..

Don't blame yourself for you mom's death. It was not your fault. You need to stop carrying that false guilt. Your mom loved you enough to give you life, and I'm sure she still watches over you in spirit, as well as your dad. <br />
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I'm sorry you lost both of them, but believe they are stil with you, and love you very much.