Accepting My Depression & Anxiety...

Hi, I'm an 18 year old male. Well this is my first time writing on this site. (Sorry for it being so long) You know those type of arrogant, self centered A**hole kind of dudes who think they're gods gift to mankind? Well that was once me...

 I went through a really rough period back 7 months ago where literally, the only time I left the house in 4 months was to go to the doctors, hospitals for tests & the ER. I obsess over medical things. I get it in my head that I have cancer, than a tumor, than a bad heart. TONS of things. And the scary part is that whatever I THINK I have my BODY feels that way too! when I thought I had cancer I felt sickly with joint pain, when I thought i had a bad heart and thought i would get a heart attack any moment I had SEVERE chest pain on my left side right over my heart....  I've been getting terrible headaches and I think I have a brain tumor now or brain cancer.... I also don't take any risks in life either. I've always been somewhat of a worrying type of person, but it's gotten SO bad since I've turned 18.

I have alot of self pride (or HAD alot of self pride)  always told my doctors, therapist etc etc that I'm FINE emotionally and I have something wrong with my health It's almost like I refused to accept anxiety & depression to the point where I even thought the results of all the TESTS i had done were wrong, or messed up, got someone elses results etc etc, (crazy right?!?!? & to think I used to be sorta normal before...) I refuse to take pills for it too. The last thing I told my doctor was (when I die, it's on you) But now I think I'm finally starting to accept my anxiety (months later, because, well, I'm not dead yet...hah...ha...)

it's starting to fade. But the depression is way more INTENSE now. It's almost like because I've finally accepted that I possibly have anxiety It's made me feel more like SH*T. I don't know... I feel as though I'm lost, and that the once Badas* persona that I had is fading, I actually used to make fun of people who had any type of emotional disorder calling them weak minded etc etc I used to be such a nice guy, right? (sarcasm) it's almost like I don't know who I am or what I am anymore... I second guess my decisions all the time when I never used to. I regret being so mean to people in the past... If there's anything good about this all, it's that there's one less A**hole on planet earth now.
It's hard for me to have typed & said all of this, because I always thought I could do/deal with everything on my own. But now I think it's time to accept the pills & accept / seek professional help.

Has anyone ever had problems accepting their depression or anxiety?
EndOfMutation EndOfMutation
18-21, M
2 Responses May 11, 2012

I deal with the same problems and have had ups and downs for two years. I read a book that was amazing. It was called mindfulness and acceptance a workbook for Anxiety. Once you accept you anxiety and depression it goes away gradually. You have to think to yourself, this isn't going to just disappear so you need to accept the way you feel and do the things you love. I remember having a "ah ha" moment one night. I was playing with my kids and thought about how awful I felt. It made me mad I couldn't enjoy my life and my family and I told myself that this is how I was going to feel and I didn't care if I had to live my life like that forever because I was going to enjoy my life!

Yes, but don't accept it. Accepting is problem. Find out the root cause. You are missing in life, what do you miss and we have to fill the life with that, instead of talking about anxiety and depression. They are only symptoms, they are not causes.

What about "accepting is the first step to recovery" So I'm supposed to deny it like I have been doing? Telling myself I'm fine when I'm not? I don't know.

No, that is what I mean. Instead of accepting the symptoms, try to understand the root cause and accept it and try to neutralize the cause. Do not waste the time whether to think about depression or not, that is irrelevant.

Mental wounds depends on how much importance we give to it. For a same insult, A will laugh and B will feel bad. So, if we know the ultimate truth behind us and everything, there is no wound and there is no scar. Anxiety is due to the fear of losing something or a trauma created by the loss of something, but the ultimate truth is there is nothing to lose, as there is nothing to gain.