I Ruined Everything

Last time I shared a story here it was about how I'm just depressed for no good reason. Now however I have a very good reason. Yesterday was the worst day I had in a very long time.

A month ago I started cutting to deal with my depression over my feelings for my best friend's sister. My best friend never saw the scars, but she got me out of my rut and I managed to ask her sister out, to no avail.

I expected I'd get over it after a while like I normally do, but a month later I still have feelings for her. And so I started again. I didn't hide the scars though, since peope were onlly going to find out anyway, like they already had.

After a week my best friend had her boyfriend talk to me about stopping, and then she herself tried to convince me to get counselling. I stubbornly refused to get counselling but I did agree I had to stop, and I've gotten rid of anthing I can use. I told her such, only for her to say she didn't think I was going to stop after I just asked her to keep an eye on me just to be sure, and then told me she thought I was only doing it for attention because everyone she knew who had done it had kept the scars well hidden. I've tried to tell her this wasn't the case, and at the time I was sure it wasn't, but now I'm scared she was right and I've been selfish. She doesn't seem to be talking me and it's pushed me further than before. Because I think I've ruined everything with her I cried last night. For the first time since my grandfathers funeral, three years ago. I don't want to lose this friendship, and if I do I don't think I can get out of this, she means too much to me. I may have lost the person who means the most to me in this world. And it's all my fault.

Update: She hates me. Me cutting myself because I couldn't deal with my feelings for her sister has destroyed everything. It's my fault. And I just want to die.
sim83 sim83
3 Responses May 13, 2012

I'm sorry she judges you for how you deal with inner pain.<br />

It's more the fact I was doing it because of her sister, but thank you.

Hi Sim83, <br />
How long have you been cutting yourself, and what seems to be the triggers from the past? Sometimes avoiding depression or thoughts of hurting yourself can be helped by understanding and identifying what sends you into those 'dark places'. Once you figure that out it might be easier to avoid situations like that. I am not saying that is the answer to all your problems but sometimes it can help.<br />
<br />
I know it seems now like everything is ruined, and you may very well feel like you want to die but I have learned to always tell myself 'this too shall pass'. And it will. You are still young and saying this is going to make me feel much older than I am (26) but one day you will look back at this think 'how silly was I to think my life was over because of a girl'. <br />
I am not trying to discredit your pain at all, trust me I have been there and back a few times. I actually just broke up with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I am completely crushed, and feel like I could never love again and that this is where time just stops for me because well... If he's not in my life it's not worth living! So I know loosing the affections of your friend's sister is heartbreaking and now loosing your best friend is crushing as well but you always have to remember to breathe, think and tell yourself 'this too shall pass'. <br />
<br />
I saw that you refused counseling. That is understandable, a lot of people think it can't help them so why even try. I think though if you feel like nothing else is working it wont hurt to give it a shot. I hope that you can figure these things out, I hope that you can really commit to not hurting yourself anymore. That is a very dark path and nothing good comes from hurting yourself. There are always other, more positive outlets. I have battled these things my whole life and have a wide array of 'hobbies' that come in real handy when I am feeling like my world is crashing. I hope that you have people in your life, like friends and family that you could talk to. I know this may sound stupid to some but sometimes just hugging it out, shaking it off and having a good cry to a close relative or friend can make all the difference.

Thanks. Just one thing though, I haven;t lost the sisters affections. She doesn't even know about my feelings.

I don't believe that anyone cuts for attention