I Can't Seem To Fix Myself

First off- I have battled depression my whole life.  It was never clinically diagnosed because my mother would not take me to a doctor for that when I was younger.  My parents divorced when I was 3, I saw my father very little.  My mother was verbally and physically abusive towards my brother and I.  My brother and I fought constantly and pretty much hated each other growing up.  When I was about 12 my mother moved my brother and I to a completely different state.  From then on we saw our family maybe once a year.  I was always awkward in school and always had a difficult time making friends.  I fell in with the wrong crowd, started drinking, smoking and doing drugs at a very young age.  

Fast forward to adulthood (26) and I hate myself for never graduating high school.  I hate myself for never being able to finish anything.  I hate myself because I am extremely selfish and can't seem to break my selfish habits.  Really there isn't a whole lot I like about myself yet I can't find the motivation to change anything about it.  I tried to see a therapist.  I went to about 5 sessions and decided I really didn't like her.  I can't really afford therapy though so I haven't been able to find a new one.

My mother died a few years ago from cancer.  I spent some time with her when she was sick, I was hoping that I could figure out what went wrong in our relationship.  Why it was so broken.  I moved to a different state on my own when I was 18.  I just wanted to be on my own.  I had known she had cancer for about a year but she kept making it seem no where near as bad as it was and kept telling me not to worry, I tried from the beginning to move out there but her and my brother made it seem like I would be more of a burden than a help as money was tight and I wouldn't have a job and they lived in a small 2 bdrm place.  I didn't realize just how sick she was until about a month before she passed.  I came for a holiday visit and while there she was rushed to the ER.  I was told at the hospital that she had a week to live and they were transferring her to Hospice.  I flew home for 1 night, broke my lease 2 days before rent was due and moved everything I had into storage.  Then flew back to her.  She lived for about another month and a half.  While there sometimes it felt like we were finally bonding but then sometimes she was her regular mean self.  She told me I was selfish and I didn't care about anyone but myself.  That I was a **** up.  She was talking about my brother as a kid at one point and I asked her "what was I like as a kid?" and she said " you were mean, nobody liked you"  

I have major relationship issues now.  I want to just be able to have a healthy relationship and settle down and have a normal life.  Most of the time I can't control my emotions and I act and speak before I think.  After my mother passed my father had told me some pretty horrible things about her from their marriage (he wasn't trying to make her look bad, I had asked and probed because I was always around her and she never spoke of it.  Just about how she hated my dad so much, even though he's a pretty decent guy) I am afraid that I am becoming my mom.  When people tell me I look like her I cringe.  Whenever I am doing or saying something mean or nasty I always think of her right afterwords and think 'oh god, that is how SHE would act'

It's almost like negativity and nastiness just flies out of me like a defense mechanism and I can't control it.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be nice and loving and caring and supportive.  I know it's there in me it's just wrapped so tightly inside this negative shell I have and I don't know how to fix it.
So I can't seem to fix myself.

kapopta kapopta
1 Response May 14, 2012

Yes you should be awarded master of psychiatry. You have written so beautifully what is your issues, their causes and how it happened. There are reasons behind your mother's actions which has affected you and your brother. Ok the past is past and history and buried, we have to fix yourself and I am sure you cannot do alone. So, let us work together and walk together to fix up. Cheer up, dear.