Back To It Once More. (very Long.)

I wrote my story on here a few years ago, and afterwards I did eventually get out of my depression, but now it's worse than it ever has been.

The upsides are that I'm no longer getting bullied, and my mother isn't abusive anymore, but for some odd reason, those things seem so small now that it's almost been three years.

I'm proud of who I became through all these steps, yet today I still feel more depressed than ever.

I had a nice group of friends at my school finally, but then I started getting really sick. I stopped going to school, and instead went on a chat program called IMVU to find company. I met some great people there, but most of them weren't worth the time.

I have to say my main cause of depression would be from a woman I met on there. I was young, and gullible, so when people I loved talked about how amazing of a person she was, I thought it to be true too. She always somehow knew everything, too. So, I decided from then on that I would try to believe everything that person was saying. It got to the point where I believed she was my 'other mother', a mother I had in a past life, and she convinced me that I was her version of a vampire, and that vampires were actually soldiers for God. I developed a major abdominal issue while I was around her, and any time I tried talking to her about it, she just told me that the doctors were never to be trusted, that they'd experiment on me the moment they found out what I was. I know this seems crazy, but when a woman is right about almost everything, you tend to start believing her on the most unbelievable of stories.

This went on for a few months, that I believed her every delusion. It wasn't until the only person I respected and believed more than her came to me that I ever thought something was wrong. I always had that feeling at the back of my mind- that she wasn't telling the truth, but my love for her blinded me. I guess the saying "Mother is God in the eyes of a child" is very true. When this other woman confronted her about what she had been trying to convince me, she denied everything, and called me insane. I spent the entire year after that battling with the idea that I could simply be insane.

I no longer have as big of trust issues as I used to, but now my hatred I used to have for all the situations that happened have turned around and come to me instead. I used to be afraid that I'd turn into a monster due to breaking under the depression, or that I'd end up feeling nothing. It turns out both of those happened since then.

Right now I still have a hard time going through a day without getting that hard pressure on my chest where I can barely feel anything. I'm starting to wonder what emotions really are, they all seem like illusions to me. But, then again, if you look at it the scientific way, everything we notice is an illusion our brain creates.

I've had a surgery to remove one of my organs because I listened to the before-mentioned woman, and since then I've been getting major stomach problems, and I still can't focus on school. I'm back, now. But, I've dropped out of two of the four I started with, and my two others aren't doing so well. I've lost almost all of my friends since I've stopped going to school often, and my family isn't helping me out with my sickness. I feel like I'm all alone in the world most of the time, and it's getting harder every day.

I'm not at risk of suicide, though. I used to be a cutter and suicidal, but since I've matured, I've noticed what kind of effect it had on other people. I could never kill myself and let those I love blame themselves.

Another large cause of my depression is that I do believe myself to be a real vampire, now. Though, not like the woman I spoke about earlier described. I've looked deeply into it, since the other woman I mentioned also believed herself to be a real vampire. I knew that the woman who was delusional was right to mention some odd things about me, so I went to the other, asking her about her views on vampires. Instead of forcing her views on me like the other did, she instead gave me a link to a website which explained a human endogenous retro virus that was in the middle of being studied. I found that I did have most of the traits, and the ones I didn't have were simply because I had yet to experience the circumstances where the trait would show up. Such as a life-threatening accident, unless you count falling down a set of stairs a life threatening accident.

The reason this belief has caused more depression is because no one would believe me if I told them. I used to think I was insane for even considering it, but when I noticed that I literally gained a tanned skintone just from having two steaks cooked rare, I knew for sure. Apparently people who don't have this virus can't gain anything from blood,(Except for a slightly flushed appearance on the skin) and I do have to say that I do feel healthier and less depressed after I've had some. Some of you may say that this is delusion, but I already worried about that too much, and I don't want to doubt myself that much more.

I've gone to doctors before to check about my health problems, and also for mental ones. Except for a normal depression, they couldn't find what was wrong, and could only take guesses which didn't really help me.

So, that's the gist of it.  I'm severely depressed from having to hold most of my thoughts and emotions in due to having friends and relatives who are easy to pass judgement, and because I've been backstabbed by the person I trusted more than anyone. I do want to get out of this depression, though. I'm doing my best, and I hope I'll be able to get out of it some day. Maybe when I move out and get into a healthier environment, instead of an area where people are yelling at one another every day.
Sekashi Sekashi
18-21, F
May 14, 2012