Might Be Getting Help

I have battled with depression for years now. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. Last year, I really did hit rock bottom where I was attempting suicide all the time by overdosing and was running away and wouldn't stop drinking but I finally calmed down a little and started another course at university. Although I continued to be depressed, I could manage it but lately, I haven't been able to manage it. I feel so down, I can't stop crying and I just feel like I am in total darkness and that I am drowning. My chest is so heavy and I am just overall being tortured. I can't stand waiting what's going to happen to my dad much longer, I know he is going to get away with sexually abusing me and I can't cope anymore. I have got this huge temptation to overdose because I can't stand this suffering anymore, death seems like such a warm welcome compared to living in this misery but I know I would cause a lot of problems if I did commit suicide but it does not stop the temptation. I am battling with myself everyday to try and convince myself out of it but now I am simply growing tired and I am losing the battle.

Last night, the police sent me an email with an update about my dad, apparently the court is angry because of how long this has been dragged on for and she asked me how I was feeling so I told her that I've had enough and am really tempted to top myself and just get it over and done with because I know that I am going to continue with this waiting game for a very long time. My dad will keep dragging this on further and further and it will never be sorted. Anyway, the police told the victim support team who are dealing with me and they phoned me today.

They're worried that I am going to commit suicide like today but I know I won't be doing anything like that today. Besides, I am with my boyfriend at the moment and there would be no way he would let me take a pill without him watching me so even if I wanted to, he wouldn't let me at the moment, I get more tempted to overdose when I am alone trapped in my bedroom. They're going to phone me again tomorrow and if I still feel this way, they're going to send a psychiatric doctor to me and they might be taking me to a psychiatric hospital where I will be tested to see how depressed I am or something like that which means I might be finally getting help.

For well over a year now I have had to deal with me being sexually abused on my own. I wasn't allowed to see a psychologist or a counsellor because they said it might affect the court case but now that's over, I still don't receive any help, I was just shoved on some waiting list but now they can finally see how hard I am finding it to cope, they're finally giving me help. I really hope they can help me for the sake of my close family but I really can't see ,me ever getting better. Everything around me is just so negative I cannot see there ever being a light at the end of the tunnel but I guess I will see tomorrow.

Has anyone else got through it? Anyone else got over their suicidal temptations? because I am finding it really hard.
BeautyOfSuffering BeautyOfSuffering
26-30, F
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Yes you can get trough it. I did. Accept the help when it's offered, and give it time. Alas, the road to recovery is long, and taxing, and testing your patience, but the main thing is it IS the road to recovery. Just don't expect any quick fixes.<br />
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Oh, before I forget, Nathan's advice, especially about sharing, is sound. So is gtrgrl76's, put YOU first.

Thank you

I have been committed to two different facilities, mostly recently, due to my own suicidal thoughts. I have always hated my life but I also just found out that the man I loved was a sociopath. He dumped me because I was beginning to catch onto his stories that he was fabricating. I lost him, his beautiful daughters, and the dream I had for myself. Now I knew I just couldn't do anything right in life. I just wanted to die....to make these negative tapes from running in my head non<x>stop. I ODd and when that didn't work, I was angry that I couldn't get that right either. Well, with counseling and new medication, I feel like I'm on the right path. I know now that he's the one with real issues and unfortunately I'm the victim, as are you. You can't blame yourself. It sucks but because we were harmed, we must do all the work to get better but we're worth it. Get the help in the form of exercises and meds. Put you first so that you and your boyfriend can live the life that perhaps you are dreaming of living :-)

Thank you so much for your advice. I am sorry to see that you was in a similar situation to me, I am glad you're starting to feel better now. I hope that will be the case with me. I will try my best to move forward.

You will. The wounds are still fresh for me so I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm not still crying at night or double checking the locks on my doors. But my mindset is changing and I'm realizing that I am the victim and I want my life back. We can do this together. It makes me feel better to know that there are others out there that can understand and make the trek forward with me, as tough as it is.