I've Lost Myself.

I want to die,
I want to die,
I want to die,
but I need to live.

These are the words I chant over and over in my head. These are the words I say to myself to stay alive. Somewhere along the road I lost myself to this thing called depression. It has ruined me, but I can not let it be the end of me. I refuse.

A short summary of my life story, and dealing with depression:

My first fight with depression was in middle school. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father was remarried when I was 11. I slowly lost all of my friends, and pretty much all connection with the real world. With only my mother for support, who was bi-polar and difficult to deal with. By the time middle school rolled around, I felt uterly alone. Today I have little-to-no recollection of middle school or late elementary school, however, I do have one memory. It was seventh grade and I was taking a bath. I remember just being so upset and crying, and so desperate, for what I wasn't sure. I found myself taking a part my shaving razor to get ahold of a single blade. I had the blade at my wrist, and was ready to end it. I hesitated, and pulled away.

I don't know what stopped me from cutting that day, but my depression soon ended. In eighth grade I moved in with my dad full time, and things seemed to be getting better. I was happy.

July 26th, 2010, at 7:36AM, my grandfather took his last breath, and passed away. On June 21st we had just gotten the call that my grandfather had cancer. Bialduct(sp) cancer of the liver. He was given 7 months to live, even though he died a month later. I was alone when I got the news, and that night was the first night I cut myself.

After my grandpa died, cutting myself became a regular thing. Whenever I got the house to myself, I pulled out the knife, peroxide, and a bandade. I didn't think I was in that bad of a condition, but by January, I was completely depressed. My depression brought on huge anxiety attacks, and an inability to get out of bed to do anything. It wasn't untill I was refusing to go to school that my parents realized something was wrong. By April I had seen doctor after doctor, and was prescribed an antidepressant. Things seemed to be getting better, they were getting better. I was happy again. That summer I got a boyfriend, and was preparing to start college, everything seemed to be going great. Then on the same weekend in September, my parents and sister, and my boyfriend moved out of state. I also had started school and was forgetting to take my medicine, but didn't think it was a big deal and just stopped. Boy was I wrong.

Now here I am two semesters later. I ended my first semester with a 2.2 and completely withdrew from my second semester. The only reasonable option that was left was to kill myself. I had even begun to make a plan of what I was going to do, when it occured to me, this isn't me.

I have titled my story, I've lost myself, because I truly have. This depression has eaten away at my soul and is trying to ruin me. Without the depression, I am a completely optomistic person. I value life, I am even pro-life and against capital punishment. I love life and living, and I have so many dreams for myself: to get married, have children, go to school, and make a difference in my community, and even the world!

So when I sat in my bed thinking of how to end my life, I thought of all these things, and I was terrified. I called my parents and confessed to them how I'd been feeling. Next thing I knew I was hospitalized for depression. It was scary at first but it really helped my out look on the whole situation. Before the hospital, I thought I was fighting with myself, fighting with my own thoughts and feelings, but instead I now see depression as a disease. and that it is not me, and that is why I will fight it with every bit of strength I have and I will NOT let it be the end of me!

As great as this epiphany was, I am still depressed. However, I am getting help, on new medication, and just trying to figure out my life and where I belong. But even with all the positive thoughts, I still had my bad days. After I got out of the hospital, I had too many bad days. I turned to alcohol and cut even more, and deeper. I can count over 30 scars on my body, from self inflicted injury, and it reminds me everyday of how my depression has defeated me; but everytime I feel the urge to cut again, and don't, I am reminded there is hope, I can be strong enough to rid this depression. I have sinced moved in with my parents so I can relax, get used to my new medicine, and figure things out again. Hopefully be happy again. But it is a struggle, boy is it a struggle.

I have never sought help or advice from other people who suffer from depression, but I am now. Maybe you can help me with my journey to happiness, maybe I can help you too.

Some days I want to just die, but deep down I know I need to live. Because there has to be a better road for me in the furture, there has to be another day that I will once more say I want to live, and love to live. There must be peace.
kateegirl kateegirl
22-25, F
8 Responses May 16, 2012

Your last paragraph definitely shows the true you, not wanting to give up, Remember its not just a positive attitude but a positive lifestyle. Doing things that make you feel good, being around others that accept you, living the life as best you can with no expectations. I wish you luck, I've hit many lows lately i feel same not wanting to kill myself but just wanting to die, or never wake up. But I realize there is more to live for, and i also look around in the news and such and see how lucky my life is compared to others, we only live once we have to make the best of it.

I hope you will not be "struggling" with it for the rest of your life. Again, in Buddhism the "struggle" the "craving" is the problem. We need to look at it all differently and I know how hard that is to do. Just be and accept the moment as it is if you can. The "rest of your life" is a very long time and fear creates a bigger problem than you even have initially. So if you can just go with the flow of life and try not to "struggle" but just relax and accept, it will ease the pain of it all. I find that meditaion, deep breathing, help also. Additionally, EFT, has been effective. It is Emotional Freedom Technique and has been helpful to me. You can check it out on You-tube and also Magnus Tapping online. I'm here and thank you for your kind words. Yes pushing through and getting up and facing the music does prove to be rewarding. I'm flat out right now and in physical pain which isn't helping. Also a nearby fire is threatening my area where I live. When it rains, it pours. And wish it would to put out the fire. <br />
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As my depression and physical continual are fueled by circumstances, I find it difficult also to live in the moment and practice all that I have advised others to do. It's not easy but I believe there are answers. You are an inspiration to me and others in your honesty and willingness to participate in this endeavor of support. Remember, acceptance is key.

Thank you so much, your advice is really helpful. It's always easier said then done, but we're trying! I hope all the best for you!

I wanted to continue this and got cut off by the system so I'll continue now. <br />
There are many medications available that do help some. I've probably been on every one of them in all my many years of experience with this disease. Again, it is a constant battle and the medications can't fight it all. There is no magic pill that fixes it. A good diet, supplements, fish oil, exercise. You know the gig! They are all important aspects of "the fight". Somedays it just doesn't feel like it's worth it and why should one have to fight? Why can't we get a break in life and just be able to live without a fight? That is where the Buddhist philosophy comes in. Acceptance of life and the suffering in it is key and ending the "craving" for something more is key. Living with depression is not easy but to accept that one has it is a big part of the healing. Moving into enlightenment and happiness cannot happen, in my opinion, without that acceptance. <br />
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I hope this makes sense to some of you and is somewhat helpful. I am in need of support right now too. I am alone and it's very difficult to deal with alone. Most people do not understand the disease and finding someone that does is a rarity. Although I believe more and more are suffering from it. <br />
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It saddens me to see the number of young people suffering from this. I have been dealing with it all my life. As I said 50+ years now. Once again I have tried to get back into the swing of it with a part time job and now find myself flat out and not able to push myself to do it. Sooooo discouraging. But once again, acceptance is the key. Realizing that the constant "craving" as they say in the Buddhist philosophy is much of what contributes to the misery and suffering. So maybe as we relate to each other on this site and encourage each other, maybe we should not be encouraging each other so much to "fight" but more to accept what is and move into a more relaxed approach to what "is".

Thank you so much for sharing and giving your advice, it is so helpul to hear these similar experiences from others. i hope things work out with your job. some days as hard as it is to.get up and do the things you need to do, i foumd that on the days i was able to do so, i slept a bit easier, was proud of myself. acceptance is definatepy key, but i fear i will be struggling with this for the rest of my life

I soooo understand all of the comments. Depression is an aweful thing to have to live with and I've been doing it for 50+ years now. Alchohol and drugs are only a temporary fix and actually do exacerbate the problem. I think the ideas that have been suggested regarding Buddhism and prayer are helpful. Acceptance is a big big part of it. It's difficult to accept especially if you are the type of person that tends to be an over achiever such as I have been. Then when you can't achieve the guilt sets in and just makes the depression even worse. I recently got a part time job and now the depression is rearing it's ugly head and I'm not so sure I'll be able to do the job. It's such a constant battle and yes after a while it doesn't feel like it's worth the fight.

I'm 39 i've never cut myself but sometimes i think about taking a whole bunch of pills and end my life. I'm better than that i have so much to live for but it does get to you i'm fighting everyday to get better.

it makes me happy to hear that you know you're better than that, we all are, each life is so precious and it is indeed a fight everyday, I hope you will win your battle soon- everyone deserves happiness

As a depressed and on-pills person...Alcohol is bad, mmmkay?<br />
Seriously, I noticed a mood dip for a couple of days after drinking, so I think it interferes with the meds.

I know the medicine says not to mix with alcohol but I never thought it was that serious, thank you for sharing, I'm going back to school soon and will be trying my hardest to veer away from the stuff

Thank you for sharing your story and especially your offer to walk with others through the journey with depression.<br />
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You sound like you have a direction and on your path of getting stronger. Stronger for yourself and own Life!<br />
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Take care and may you have many more good days ahead.

thank you so much, your words help me have more faith in myself as I go on my journey, thank you.

There is a better road and most definitely better days in your future.Fight to live it is worth in the long run.<br />
Thanks for your story.

thank you for your response, and I will keep fighting, every bit i can

Ok please do!