I Hate People Saying I Know What U Are Going Through

I have been depressed for about 11 yrs now.i feel very alone in life and it hurts...I was homeless at 21 kicked out of home from dissapointment in as an uneducated person even thou I passed yr 12 the score was well below 40 which led to unrealistic contributions of board payments liveing at home paying 120 a week and even thou i was 21 my mind frame is naturally always been 3 or 4 yrs behind.we lived 45 minutes walk to the station and i had no car or money..and I was expected to walk to and from the station where as a 6 min drive is all needed.growing up was hard in fear of my mother....she manipulated me my brothers and sisters to as the worst kids a mother could have ever asked for...she was really hard on us she was no fun always demanded house work and homework and it always felt like we had to hide from her when haveing fun in case
she demands house work or homework. i remember feeling my mother truely hated us haveing fun because i remember being paranoid that any minute shell come in and give us chores or go make up some homework if we got no homework because even after haveing fun shell say so did u have a great day, yes mum, thats good son, and deep down I'm already hopeing she doesn't say house work or homework, and what she says is when we get home I want u to do the bathroom clean the dishes clean the walls and do homework and if there is no homework I'll make homework for you and my bro gets his chores and homework as well ..me and my brother used to hate her so much for it that when I was 15 I never ever forgave her again makeing me clean the house half a day and shell double check for mistakes and she would yell out our names with anger in her voice and tell us how un
cordinated we are dumb hopeless unreliable we are and to clean what ever she thought wasnt upto standard and do homework made up from her own doing till 12 o clock at night then I remember that being the case as little as 10 yrs old.i remember at 13 yrs old every saturday was spring cleaning day from the moment we wake up
we clean every thing and every spot in the house from the walls to all the falls the draws gardening everything all right through 12:00 am or 1:00 am or 2:00 am.while everybody was barbequeing and gathering we were cleaning..looking back i think it was punishment for getting my uncle to convince her to let us play football on sundays for a team and her threat was if u dont clean and its not done properly or if u back chat me then no football for u tommorrow..i hated her guts and i hated looking at her.we all grew up not close with our mother nor our father,when they divorced on my 17th year on earth my mother wished for me and my brother to live with our dad but dad didn't want us.he has his parents which is my grand parents liveing there.they objected us.when my grandmother died which is my mums mum she went to her brother which is my uncle and told him she didn't want us anymore and that she
wanted to give full custody to my dad and for him to convince my dad but he declined and so basically we were unwanted everywhere.ever since then i naturally stopped loveing my parents and and was jealous of everyone elses parents...
I went homeless again at 25 and homeless at 27 because I went to live on my own and started to enjoy the freedom of not being forced to clean in blackmail or anything. I haven't spoken to my mother in 9 years but my brother and sisters downs I guess have forgiven her. I guess people take things differently.my mum psycologically made me not care of cleanliness or a future.everytime I clean I have images
of the past and it changes my mood and sometimes it hurts so much to clean because i have instinctive thought how would mum react if she saw this then I would imagine what she'll say and imagine I'd tell her to shut the **** up Im not little anymore if u keep going I'm going to punch the liveing **** out of you saying it in the meanest most violent willing way with fists clenched for a defensive attack.then I tear in why would u do that to ur kids.is it not proof enough even thou my brother and sisters talk to her still but the close bond of mother and kids isn't there...she ended convincing my dad 5 years ago to take the kids and she moved to Sydney...I really don't like cleaning or really like to think about the future That I was forced to do as little as 10 years old now I'm liveing with my dad after being homeless again and he complains why my room is so dirty and why am I not stable in the workforce.i just tell him to shut the **** up and don't test my patience if he don't in a disrespectful way...people look at me dirty cause my car always needs cleaning and I'm unstable with work...and the reason why I don't care for it is because it's my choice weather or not to care and no one can interfer with my decision makeing or force my decision makeing.to be honest I feel happier that way cause I do what I want to do.if my room is messy it's because I like it like that and for everytime I think I should clean it I say no I can't be stuffed and say to my self and the best thing about is no one can force me to do it and I enjoy that freedom and I use it to my advantage and I love it.....people come over and they comment I tell em why they say they understand but it's no excuse.over time I lost respectability and eventually I'm always on my own....I blame her for everything that I am to day carless iny future and cleanliness and all I want to do is have fun fun and fun.i know it's a mental problem and it's depression because i do get scared how my future will be....but in despite of my mum I naturally just leave it to chance but i am scared I'd never grow up and I'll never act like an adult i am scared that I don't know how to grow up I just want to die...too many questions with no answers...I hate life and i hate the system and I hate the society and i hate everything.i hate theory's of how beautiful the world is i hate people with born money I hate people with rich parents I hate people who are smart....i just hate and hate and hate and hate I cry myself to sleep with hate sometimes and all the time I wake up in hate in here we go again
methhater methhater
26-30, M
2 Responses May 18, 2012

thank you for a careing response, but i go beyond all that...this story is just apart of what my mind goes through everyday...yesterday was my first day on this site just accidently stumbled through and I read alot of them.and I am going to write everyday

You really need to go see a specialist for help because it's obviously triggering something in your mind when it comes to cleaning. I mean, I don't blame you to feel that awesome freedom to make it dirty and uncleaned but get your act together. You're your worse enemy and it's eating you up with hatred. You have this to blame yourself being consumed with negativity. Wash away those thoughts and bare the burden. We all have our stories of what hell and misery feels like. If your always going to act like this, be my guess because nothing brings anything good. Make the choice to change for yourself. You have no idea life is precious and fragile. Take advantage of the opportunity you have just being alive. Don't let it go to waste. Good luck and keep it positive stranger.