Depression

I have had depression since i was 9. Had it on and off through till i am now 30 of age. Nobody understands. They only tried. People always tell me that i am the only one who can help myself. On some days yes. On some days, absolutely not!

I have violent thoughts, incestuous thoughts, all kinds of whys in my head i know i am not meant for and not me. But on some days, they just cling to me, wringing me of any form of air. I felt like i couldn't even breathe. My health suffered, i lost my job. Sometimes, i even felt like total detachment from my family, friends and the things i like. Everything just seemed insignificant.
The world either grew bigger without me or smaller.

Going to sleep is a terror as i can't till wee hours of the morning. Waking up is worse! I feel fear in the pit of my stomach every day. I can't eat and i rush to the bathroom to pass out everything. What's left in my body? I am a kid's size now. I feel like throwing up when i smell food sometimes.

I am constantly questioning myself and doubting myself which i am working hard to curb. I even question God to the point that i no longer want to do anything with regards to religion. Anything religious scares me.

What i want is to have full power and control over my life.  I am ambitious and want to grow a career in my current job and future plans i have. Even if i had to die alone in future, i want to make something of myself. I have interest in writing and fashion and i still pursue it. I don't want to let go of my dreams.

When i am upset,  i listen to music, i write my articles, i force myself to go to work, to dress up, go to nice places and go shopping. I am going to try therapy, meditation and exercise. I think a balance of the above will help me.

I told myself, even if i had to battle it for life, so be it. Those who will stay will stay. Those who don't, too bad. It's ok. My ex boyfriend told me point blank he won't. I also lost interest in him. I am ever upfront with friends and those i love that i have depression. So far, no one rejected me. Even if they did, don't give up on yourself. That's my aim.

Most importantly, speak up and admit it rather than keep telling yourself you're alright. Don't think so much and yada yada.
It's ok if you're not. A lot of us are not, just that no one admits it. At the end of the dark clouds, we know we are not bonkers or bad. If not, why would we even share it here. It's tough cos we know we are not. How much easier if we lost total sense of it!
So, i tell myself, it's ok, this too shall pass. And i hope it will, even if the happy times dun last, it was at least here for a while.
MarcyMaiden MarcyMaiden
26-30
5 Responses May 18, 2012

I must say, one day we all have to look towards self control and positivity. It takes time. We will sadly, leave this forum and pursue happiness. Glad to have met but don't have to dwell too much in it. Agree folks?

Today, i made the effort not to believe the 'thoughts' running through my head. I don't challenge myself and i believed more of myself than 'those thoughts'. Just thought to share.

depression will never be understood or accepted by the lucky ones who never suffered depression.i have been suffering depression for almost a decade now.ever since i was 20...well done in haveing the power to tell people u have depression it is a good move.

depression will never be understood or accepted by the lucky ones who never suffered depression.i have been suffering depression for almost a decade now.ever since i was 20...well done in haveing the power to tell people u have depression it is a good move.

They don't have to understand, they have to accept. And, just so you know, there are those who understand, like me.