My Severe Depression

This is what I told my ex, "When I'm in depression, my attitude changes. My wanting’s change and how I react to things is different and possibly worse. You've got to understand. Part of a relationship is doing what both people want. And accepting someone who is not perfect, because no one is perfect. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. But you are obviously desperate for someone who is more ready to doing sexual things than me. I was already going through a lot of stuff. Could you have at least waited until I was a lil' happier instead of when I was in my darkest place in life? That's when I needed you the most, and here you are bashing me down making me feel as if EVERYTHING is my fault and that I'm such a horrible person for not making you happy enough when I tried my best to do so. You just made things for me a lot worse. If I'm already having suicidal thoughts, don't you think that if I'm at that point, you'd try to understand and be by my side instead of making it worse, making me step one step more into the darkest place of my life? I’ve already considered taking my life to be with my 13 year old sister who committed suicide June 8th, 2011. You know I'm already stressed about her year coming up. It's only less than a month until she's been dead for a year."

Then something else happened so I said this, "Why would you cut yourself? Do you seriously want me to feel soo bad to take you back? Because I won't. And to make me feel as if your self-harm is because of me? Do you not think that would make ME want to die or self-harm myself more than I already have because of my depression? Ever thought of that? Because of me, you tried committing suicide. Because of me, you cut yourself. Because of me, you're not who you used to be. Do you know how much this hurts me? 3 times know you say you're going to commit suicide because of me. And now you actually cut yourself because of me. This isn't the way to go. I think it's time that we both move on and find someone else. To get into a healthier relationship. Stop being friends. Stop any connection between us. You go your way and I'll go mine. There are tons of guys that are waiting to be with me. That will treat me way better than you. That won't make me feel guilty by self-harming themselves and saying they are going to commit suicide because of me."

Why I reacted this way is because I've been very suicidal for the past year. I've tried overdosing, choking myself, cutting myself, praying to God to have me be killed, etc. Just before all this happens with my ex, I tried committing suicide. I also cut myself really bad. I almost went to a "Mental Hospital" because of it. My family, friends, and school were concerned for me. Then my boyfriend starts to pull this stuff on me. I've already had 3 guys that are in love with me try to commit suicide because I wouldn't date them, and even wrote me goodbye letters, all in the same week. I feel guilty that people are trying to commit suicide because of me. It sucks. My sister already committed suicide. I don't want anyone else to. I know that if I commit suicide, I have people following after me. I have my Mom and Dad saying they would kill themselves, 3 guys that are in love with me said they would follow after me, and who knows who else would follow after myself and them who committed suicide because of me. I can't deal with that fact. This makes me cry. Then knowing that I could go into a "Mental Hospital" makes me have anxiety/panic attacks because that freaks me out. I can't even stand to stay in a regular hospital. I'm going to Doctor to get on Antidepressants. They could still put me somewhere and take me away from everyone. I want help.
KayKay12497 KayKay12497
13-15, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

hey 1st of all your still young alot of things is there to see and why would you think that way i know words are not enough to tell you how worthy to live because theirs alot to discover and being young you have all the chances to be somebody later,i hope you would think carefully for your future ok....thanks for having me in your circle and your so pretty and so young.....tawam

Thank you. I'm just unstable. Hard to deal with myself at times. Confusing. And you're welcome (:

The fact that you want help means there is hope. I think your idea about going to a doctor to get antidepressants is a very good one.... they aren't the answer for everyone, but if you can hang in long enough for them to kick in, and if they work for you.... things may look a whole lot different. Best wishes to you :-)

Why thank you (:

I can relate since i have severe depression i know what it is like to feel suicidal all the time when things don't seem right when people put more pressure on you more than you can chew and expect you to be ok when your not... especially when the person you love pushes you down even more than you already was and chooses not to stick by you through it all... i have experienced all of that.... hopefully it will get better for you dear... im so sorry to hear though....

I'm glad you understand. Thank you (:

Your welcome i have been through the same and i am progressing in recovery... I am sure that it will get better for you :)

Thank you again (: What helped you?

friends and family support as well as doing things that made me happy :) mostly to rid and ease my mind of suicidal attempts and the fact that my ex left...

1 More Response