The Truth Is I Just Hate Myself
honestly the reason why my life has led me to where I'm at is pretty much based around avoiding myself and fears. I have been proved over and over again that I not as quick or smart as most people.. I try to be, but it's aggravating it never works out. I know when I was a born I was choked by my umbilical chord so I'm pretty sure that screwed up my brain in someway. It all started when I was a little kid and I noticed how much more colorful the other kids minds were.. I've also for the most part been I guess you can say anti social.. I still had friends I would play with and all when I was a kid, but alot of the time I would prefer just playing video games over socializing, I don't know why I just always had more fun being alone and playing games.. honestly I had no real hobbies or other recreational things I did besides what the other kids were doing, I can still remember being amazed how some of the other kids could be so interested and involved in so many other activities. Then middle school came around I came to realization that I wasn't the smartest or funnest kid to be around. so I finally isolated myself from my friends because I felt like I just didn't fit in.. so I found a fresh new set of friends that didn't know all the bad things about me around the beginning of high school. And it always upset me so badly that I started getting pretty bad acne in high school because that was when my friends got all into hanging out with girls and I would find any excuse to get out of it to avoid the embarrassment. I enjoyed all the positive attention I got for the first little while.. then I guess the lack of self confidence convinced them to get bored of me and I just pretty much isolated the rest of the group and became best friends with the only one I really could get along with. I always thought my problems would go away when my acne went away.. and it isn't near as bad as it was in high school but I still feel like that didn't accomplish so much. Now I am just even more of a wreck, I have become alot more social than I was as a kid, but I notice so much more how socially awkward I am. I fear attention or one on one conversations with people I don't know well, but If its a group conversation I like to be the quiet one and contribute everyonce in a while. It just is really aggravating because I am very independent in nature, but at the same time I always have to depend on other people or ask so many questions because I have difficult times learning and remembering some things and I can never truly trust my own thoughts, because I am proved wrong so many times. I don't like bugging people at my work with constant questions so I try to keep it to a minimum, and sometimes when I have a question I just lie or do something that I get trouble later for at work.. which then the supervisor will ask "why didn't you ask someone?" and it just makes me want to kill someone. I'm pretty sure my depression spouts from my problems with myself, but I just find it so hard to start building myself when there's nothing to start from.. Every time I try to change things I just feel like the world stomps on my efforts. It just makes my social life at work so hard, when group conversations are starting I can join them but they will eventually disband and I'll try to escape from a one on one conversation and I know my co workers know I'm trying to avoid it.. I just fear not knowing what to say or making things awkward, and I can't quite fake being happy because I'm so preoccupied with how much I hate myself. So when the group discussion breaks apart I'll just turn around to my desk and pretend I'm instant messaging or anything and just hope a call comes to me. Honestly the only break I have is when I get home and I go to my room and find something to distract myself from my problems, and surprisingly books and video games actually work pretty well. god I'm just so confused and depressed these days.. anybody ever feel like this or have any advice?