The Truth Is I Just Hate Myself

honestly the reason why my life has led me to where I'm at is pretty much based around avoiding myself and fears. I have been proved over and over again that I not as quick or smart as most people.. I try to be, but it's aggravating it never works out. I know when I was a born I was choked by my umbilical chord so I'm pretty sure that screwed up my brain in someway. It all started when I was a little kid and I noticed how much more colorful the other kids minds were.. I've also for the most part been I guess you can say anti social.. I still had friends I would play with and all when I was a kid, but alot of the time I would prefer just playing video games over socializing, I don't know why I just always had more fun being alone and playing games.. honestly I had no real hobbies or other recreational things I did besides what the other kids were doing, I can still remember being amazed how some of the other kids could be so interested and involved in so many other activities. Then middle school came around I came to realization that I wasn't the smartest or funnest kid to be around. so I finally isolated myself from my friends because I felt like I just didn't fit in.. so I found a fresh new set of friends that didn't know all the bad things about me around the beginning of high school. And it always upset me so badly that I started getting pretty bad acne in high school because that was when my friends got all into hanging out with girls and I would find any excuse to get out of it to avoid the embarrassment. I enjoyed all the positive attention I got for the first little while.. then I guess the lack of self confidence convinced them to get bored of me and I just pretty much isolated the rest of the group and became best friends with the only one I really could get along with. I always thought my problems would go away when my acne went away.. and it isn't near as bad as it was in high school but I still feel like that didn't accomplish so much. Now I am just  even more of a wreck, I have become alot more social than I was as a kid, but I notice so much more how socially awkward I am. I fear attention or one on one conversations with people I don't know well, but If its a group conversation I like to be the quiet one and contribute everyonce in a while. It just is really aggravating because I am very independent in nature, but at the same time I always have to depend on other people or ask so many questions because I have difficult times learning and remembering some things and I can never truly trust my own thoughts, because I am proved wrong so many times. I don't like bugging people at my work with constant questions so I try to keep it to a minimum, and sometimes when I have a question I just lie or do something that I get trouble later for at work.. which then the supervisor will ask "why didn't you ask someone?" and it just makes me want to kill someone. I'm pretty sure my depression spouts from my problems with myself, but I just find it so hard to start building myself when there's nothing to start from.. Every time I try to change things I just feel like the world stomps on my efforts. It just makes my social life at work so hard, when group conversations are starting I can join them but they will eventually disband and I'll try to escape from a one on one conversation and I know my co workers know I'm trying to avoid it.. I just fear not knowing what to say or making things awkward, and I can't quite fake being happy because I'm so preoccupied with how much I hate myself. So when the group discussion breaks apart I'll just turn around to my desk and pretend I'm instant messaging or anything and just hope a call comes to me. Honestly the only break I have is when I get home and I go to my room and find something to distract myself from my problems, and surprisingly books and video games actually work pretty well. god I'm just so confused and depressed these days.. anybody ever feel like this or have any advice?

Lookingforhappiness Lookingforhappiness
18-21, M
11 Responses May 27, 2008

I'm quite different now days lol really old post, it's wierd reading how I thought before.

wow. old post but reading this is like reading my own thoughts and life and work experiences.

god i was feeling terrible today and coming back to reading this again just makes me feel better again.. thanks again guys

wow.. thanks and thanks for all the input I didn't expect to get so much but I appreciate it.. yea I luckily still have friends in my life, I just have the hardest time keeping in touch.. and I am an introvert too, so that probably explains alot right there.. I just feel like I'm always drained and rarily want to do anything social, but yea your right about going places, on my days off I usually atleast go to the library and that makes me feel a little more of a person. I should look into some sort of social group in the future but I suppose I can do some of those things until I get help and go from there

I agree with the nurse that you might want to get checked out neurologically. I'm sure the drs. would have something that could help with that.<br />
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I think what the person who said do stuff by yourself, but be around other people when you do it has a good point. There have been many times when I've gone to the movies by myself, to a bookstore alone, clothes shopping alone, and so on. When I was single, I did those things, especially so that I could just be around other people even if I didn't get to know them. Just knowing that other people in the human race are around helps, especially if you don't feel like talking to someone. I still do some of those things now even though I'm married with a family, mostly because I need alone time to recharge as I'm an introvert by nature and need my space, at times.<br />
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If you're an animal person, I'd consider getting a pet. There's some entity at least that can love you unconditionally and who needs you. Most people like to feel needed and useful and a pet provides those things as well as companionship. <br />
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If you're not an animal person or can't have a pet for whatever reason, try to find a hobby you're interested in trying out (even if you've never done it) and look for clubs, etc. to meet people with the like interest. That'll give you something to talk about--the common interest--and should break the conversational ice. <br />
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Good luck, readingjill

FYI: I just realized I said go do things by yourself. I meant like by yourself but surrounded by other people. That way you're not obligated to talk to anyone, but you can if you want. And you can see that there may be people worse off than you. Even strike up a conversation with some random person. Worst case scenario they tell you to fu** off. That probably means they've got issues too.

I'm gonna start by telling you that I didn't read your whole story. I didn't have to. What you wrote is me to the 10th power. I've gone through all the same problems as you and I can tell you how I dealt with it. I know exactly how you feel. I'm even in a committed relationship with someone I love and who loves me more than anyone has loved anyone ever, and I still can't friggin get my sh** together. Don't feel bad. I got into psychotherapy and I take meds for depression and anxiety, and it seems to help. Sometimes I don't even need to go to therapy. As a nurse, I can tell you that some of your problems may even be neurological. Like not being able to remember things and such. You might want to see your doctor and see if they can do what's called a "mini mental" on you to see if your problems are neurologically related, stress related, depression-related, or otherwise. But please don't feel alone. Feeling alone is one of the worst things in the world. Go out and do things by yourself. Sometimes it helps. Maybe you feel strangled by every day life. Whether you do or do not have responsibilities, you can feel like someone's slowly tightening a rope around your neck, and that can make your depression and anxiety even worse. Please talk to someone. Even if you want to talk to someone who has been through it like me. I've been to so many counselors, taken so many medications, I could probably write a book on depression. You just have to find what's right for you. Rather it be therapy and medication, just therapy, just medication, stress management classes, exercise, meditation, whatever it may be. So what it takes to get yourself healthy okay? I'll be waiting for you. Even though I don't know you...I love you, okay?

There you go, now that's a step in the right direction. Perhaps a medication may help so you don't feel so bad.

yea yea thanks for your advise.. I just can't stand being in my own skin at times, I am too hard on myself sometimes but I guess I just feel like if I don't work on it I won't get anything done. I'm going through such a deep depression, but soon enough I'll be exercising and getting psychiatric help..

You might be surprised to know how many people feel the way you do, myself included. I was always different, and by different I just mean that I looked at everything from a different perspective. I always had trouble fitting in, and to this day improving my social skills is a long and clumsy uphill climb. I have come a long way, but I still have some improvement to make. People can lack understanding, but also it can be difficult to know when someone is having trouble with something. Looking back, I knew people who were in the same boat, but at the time I just presumed they were just bratty, or disinterested, or lazy, or whatever. Partly this is because those of us who have trouble fitting in or connecting to others, or to society in general, hide ourselves behind these things so people don’t see how pathetic we really are. We’re not pathetic, hell everyone has their shortcomings, but it can feel that way. How we are judged socially has a huge impact on us, and a lack of social skills can feel like the worst kind of shortcoming.<br />
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If you had an accident which has made your path in life more challenging then that is something you must come to terms with and accept without shame; we all have our imperfections, whether through genetics, an accident, or by our own accord. The most important thing you can do is not to be hard on yourself. Negative thoughts and feelings weaken you mentally and physically, and they also damage your self-esteem and confidence. Don’t allow yourself to think ugly thoughts about yourself, don’t focus on anger or stress, and although it may sound trivial, try not to eat sugary or salty foods. Have a healthy routine where you have a healthy breakfast, get the needed nutrients and some daily exercise, and that can make a world of difference for your state of mind. When you look after yourself, like yourself and generate a healthy/positive vibe, you attract people to you and it can change your life. Getting there alone is not usually easy and takes some work but it is very worth it. I can promise you that this works, and I don’t know any other way to change an unhealthy state of mind/living.<br />
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You are stronger than you think, you just need to give yourself credit and start using your independent spirit to serve you better. If things aren’t working well in your life, then start making changes. Even minor changes in your daily routine or lifestyle can change your state of mind and open up new possibilities for you. Make yourself aware of how negative thinking pulls you down and makes your life all the more difficult. I’m not saying wear the rose coloured glasses and pretend everything is peachy, but don’t focus on the negative either. Do what makes you feel healthy/happy, don’t do what doesn’t. Try to be more aware of how you look at yourself rather than how others do. When you feel better in yourself others view you differently anyway. Remember, it is your life and your prime responsibility is to your own personal welfare. You are here for a reason, and that reason is to experience life, so don’t shy away from it.<br />
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Hope this was helpful for you.

First, STOP comparing yourself to others. You are a unique individual capable of more than you give yourself credit for. Being socialable isn't as difficult as you think. We are all human beings, we all have feelings, we all have family or pets, we all like movies and music etc. Juat observe how people interreact with each other. What kinds of things are they talking about? Start with a smile and a greeting. Ask about their family. Do they have brothers and sisters? Are they married, have any children or pets or if they've seen a certain movie or what kind of music they like etc. Simple things that open the lines of communication and help you to get to know them.<br />
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Please don't hate yourself. We all have value. We all have our own light that can shine out into the world. You don't have to be the smartest or the best, most of us arn't. And the people who you think are so together have their own problems. We all do in one way or another. <br />
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oh and no question is a stupid question. That's how we learn. Take a deep breath sweetie and try to clear the cobwebs out of your head. You are way too hard on yourself hun.