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This Is Strange For Me.

I'm not the type to even utter a word of desperation towards a soul, and even to an faceless computer. I hurts me too much to say a breath. I am currently 16 and i battle sever depression and have had it for a while, but only was diagnosed with it this past year. I cant really name everyone of my hardships, that would be pointless of me, so lets just go with what bothers, and haunts my mind the most.  My father left my mom while i was only 2. He was a mean man and a cheater. He couldnt take the fact that my mom divorced him, and was getting costity of me, so in an attempt to get back at her. he tried to get her for abandonment. He did this by agreeing to come see me, take me to his house, and return only hours later and demand she leave her job and drive hours away to get me. If she didnt, it would be abandonment. He never made it that far, with me in the car he wrecked into a interstate bridge. We were fine but i never saw him again. I have a step dad now, and i love him to pieces, hes the dad i dreamt of. But me and my mom always fight, we almost NEVER get along. She always yells at me, and nearly constantly makes me cry. Dont get me wrong, shes a great mother, but it seems she forgets that i am over sensitive and chooses to make yelling the best approach towards me. We cant go a day without arguing and attitude. Things have gotten so bad that shes kicked me out, and also has said some very hurtful things towards me. I just wish we were like we used too. I was all she had, and she was all i had, but now things have changes. i guess i just grew up. im not her baby anymore. about 2 years ago, i went to alabama to go meet my dad, and long story short, i called him and he told me that he didnt want to see me. I was heartbroken. If you were me, you would be too. I've always been the shy kid. I had loads of friends, and thats was just because of my pure kindness. I even had awards for my kindness, but again as i grew older people refused to give me kindness in return so now im as hateful as you can get. Ive been locked in dark rooms, pushed against walls, and screamed at in my face in school, when ive done nothing to deserve it. So why should i be kind when i dont get it in return you know? Going throw highschool i tried to become nice and my old self, but it was difficult. Not to be cliche but my first love and only best friend brutally left me, and shoved me aside. I attempted to pretend to be happy, but all i was known for was a problem solver and a push over. no one was there for me when i needed them so i dropped everyone aside from my true and dearest friends, which brought me down too 2. I began to get even more hateful and quiet. I became more reluctant to talk about anything that i saw or felt, to the point were i am now. Ive been molested by my cousin, and nearly raped by several boys. again not raped. Im not implying it. Pretty much pain is a cycle for me. Its hard to keep anything down, and look at the bright side when your like me, emotional, and have been shown nothing but hate from peers and yelling and anger from your formal adorible mom. I'm a cutter, and it sucks honestly, i hate it, but it makes me feel alive and that maybe, im not everything that people call me.

*****, fake, *****, fat, manish, etc.
words hurt. Even the ones from elementary echo through my mind, i suppose im not the type to let go.
Sorry this is more of a scattered rant more than anything. I didnt really tell you much, because well, its more of a rant than a life story. I never talk about my dad to anyone, even to my bestfriend/girlfriend trish. I hate it.
so basically this was all just for me to try to get something off of my chest and out of its bottle you know?
Kimwolfy Kimwolfy 16-17, F May 23, 2012

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