I'm Just Going To Put All My Baggage Out There In Hopes That Someone Can Help Me

I'm a member of several support groups, all for the issue's i'm going to address here. I decided to post into Teens because it's more general than the others.

I guess i'll just start from the beginning. My mom was a single mother and I was her only kid. We had an apartment close to my grandmothers. My mom met Tony, a guy who I thought was my biological father until i was 5 1/2 years old. He hated me. He abused me emotionally and physically, and I hated him too. But i thought it was normal, as a kid, for all this to happen. I began developing depression at a young age. My anxiety didn't come until I was about 9. But I never really had friends in school because I was weird. (Somewhere in the middle here, I was molested by a family friend, and I blocked it out until recently in therapy) I had gotten into the habit of pretending I had magic, and i was in a made up world. It was my world, where i could go and people would like me. We moved from our home to somewhere across the state. That's when my anxiety started. I was pressured in my new school. I wasn't pretty, and I was the outcast of outcasts. My step-dad became more abusive, cheated on my mom, and he kicked her out. she took me and my siblings away, to my aunts house.
That's when I started dating (I was 13). All of the relationships i've been in mirrored what I had with my father. I've been in therapy for it for 4 years. They all were emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive.
Last year, I stopped going outside. i was afraid. I have anxiety attacks when i travel outside. I hate it, and if I never had to do it, i wouldn't. But sometimes i have to. I don't want to be afraid, but I'm scared somethings going to happen.
I don't have friends anymore because I stopped going to school. The only person I have is my boyfriend. That's not saying much. He's addicted to videogames, and I try to be understanding, but what we have isn't a relationship anymore. We're like strangers who have sex sometimes. I don't exist in his world anymore.

A few months ago, i began hearing voices in my head, and talking to them. I created three separate entities in my mind. Vladimir, Sarah, and Gerald. We all sit in a circle sometimes and they stare at me. I talk to them about how i'm feeling and they just stare, but at least they're paying attention. I know i'm going crazy, but I don't want them to leave. Theyre the only ones i have now.

I'm scared i'm going to do something one day that will kill me. I've been suicidal, but not like recently. My mom caught me trying to delve a steak knife into my arm a week ago. Since then, she has hidden all sharp objects from me.

I want help. I don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore. I've gained 70lbs because i eat my feelings. I know i'm not hungry, but i eat because food is another thing I know won't be able to get up and walk away.

i'm scared.

aceofnone aceofnone
18-21, F
4 Responses May 28, 2012

Darling, don't be scared you're already so brave and you'll be ok. Your story is not unusual for someone who has experienced so much trauma and horror. Other people's terrible actions and decisions are not your fault or responsibility. Stay as calm as you can. The voices are created by you so don't think they're real or permanent. It's a coping strategy that your very clever mind has put in place to protect you. Get out as much as you can and seek professional help. A doctor you trust is a good start. Challenge yourself, but stay safe, alert but not alarmed. You have been through enough trauma and now deserve relief, healing and positive people around you. Things are bound to get better now you have taken these steps to talk about what is happening to you. You are an inspiration and quite insightful. I hope you can feel proud of yourself and believe in ability to get through all of this. I admire your strength and wisdoms for one so young. Good luck

You must be a strong person to deal with everything that you have written in this letter. I don't know much that I can say to try to help you, if you are feeling really suicidal call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-SUICIDE , they have people that are trained to listen and try to help plus I bet they would know of additional resources that you would be able to use to try to help. I wish you all of the luck in the world, if you need to talk I am willing to listen and try to help in anyway that I can

Wow! That was very brave of you to be so honest and type all that out.<br />
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You are right, you need help for sure.<br />
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I am in England and dont know what resources are available to you so I am hoping others will show you options. <br />
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There are online help groups and hopefully they could direct you to contact someone in your area.

Address the voices issue with a psychiatrist . You are at a hard age to be trust me life will get better try to focus on anything that will move you forward . Like school or work . Anxiety is a cruel mistress I just got off Xanax for panic attacks so I feel you . Take small steps , breath slow . Drink water and try to eat healthy . Talk to anyone that will listen . Good luck .