I'm Just Going To Put All My Baggage Out There In Hopes That Someone Can Help Me
I'm a member of several support groups, all for the issue's i'm going to address here. I decided to post into Teens because it's more general than the others.
I guess i'll just start from the beginning. My mom was a single mother and I was her only kid. We had an apartment close to my grandmothers. My mom met Tony, a guy who I thought was my biological father until i was 5 1/2 years old. He hated me. He abused me emotionally and physically, and I hated him too. But i thought it was normal, as a kid, for all this to happen. I began developing depression at a young age. My anxiety didn't come until I was about 9. But I never really had friends in school because I was weird. (Somewhere in the middle here, I was molested by a family friend, and I blocked it out until recently in therapy) I had gotten into the habit of pretending I had magic, and i was in a made up world. It was my world, where i could go and people would like me. We moved from our home to somewhere across the state. That's when my anxiety started. I was pressured in my new school. I wasn't pretty, and I was the outcast of outcasts. My step-dad became more abusive, cheated on my mom, and he kicked her out. she took me and my siblings away, to my aunts house.
That's when I started dating (I was 13). All of the relationships i've been in mirrored what I had with my father. I've been in therapy for it for 4 years. They all were emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive.
Last year, I stopped going outside. i was afraid. I have anxiety attacks when i travel outside. I hate it, and if I never had to do it, i wouldn't. But sometimes i have to. I don't want to be afraid, but I'm scared somethings going to happen.
I don't have friends anymore because I stopped going to school. The only person I have is my boyfriend. That's not saying much. He's addicted to videogames, and I try to be understanding, but what we have isn't a relationship anymore. We're like strangers who have sex sometimes. I don't exist in his world anymore.
A few months ago, i began hearing voices in my head, and talking to them. I created three separate entities in my mind. Vladimir, Sarah, and Gerald. We all sit in a circle sometimes and they stare at me. I talk to them about how i'm feeling and they just stare, but at least they're paying attention. I know i'm going crazy, but I don't want them to leave. Theyre the only ones i have now.
I'm scared i'm going to do something one day that will kill me. I've been suicidal, but not like recently. My mom caught me trying to delve a steak knife into my arm a week ago. Since then, she has hidden all sharp ob
I want help. I don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore. I've gained 70lbs because i eat my feelings. I know i'm not hungry, but i eat because food is another thing I know won't be able to get up and walk away.