Depression And AnxietyI have been dealing with depression for years now, I remember being in grade 7 and crying every day after school. I toughed up a bit, but when I was 14 I ended up in an abusive relationship, it wasn't full blown abusive at the start, but there was control and manipulation that I was too young, insecure and desperate to be loved, I couldn't pick up on those signs back then. We dated for years, until I was almost 21, it was an awful and turbulent relationship.
It didn't make things better when it ended, there were lies, he was still living with me and my family, things had never been easy and the abuse still didn't stop. I thought I cared about him, but I now realize I was just so beaten down that I felt I would die without him. Transitioning my life after he was gone was not easy, he found another girlfriend and even though I didn't want him back (he was awful to me) I was still insulted and so lost. I was out drinking all the time, desperately seeking male attention (only attracting more awful men that made me feel worse about myself) I had a mental breakdown, and realized I couldn't function anymore, so I went to my doctor. I had also been recently experiencing panic attacks all the time, which are scary and you feel like you are going to die. Maybe it was finally being alone that caused them, scared of not having a man in my life, or maybe it was because I didn't have the stress of an awful relationship and a man I thought I could change in my life, maybe that lack of stress made me focus on myself which was scary. I didn't know what I liked or was interested in anymore, he had put me down for so much, I didn't do any growing in my teen years, none that was healthy anyways, it was all unhealthy detachment.
My doctor put me on antidepressants for a year or so, and things started to get a little better. My abusive ex had moved out and I started to be okay with myself, then I met my last recent ex, it was love at first sight and he treated me wonderfully, but after almost two years, and one previous short break up, he left me again.
I am now alone again and struggling with the same feelings as before, although they may not be as strong, it still affects me. I wish I could be happy without a man in my life but I feel like I need one. There is always work to be done I guess, I am no longer on my antidepressants, I have been off them for at least a year now, sometimes I think I may need them again, but I try to understand that some days or worse than others and tomorrow will be another day.
I have done a lot of work with me and when I move to a new town to start a new life and go back to school, I hope things will get better and if I still feel these unsettled emotions I plan to seek out some type of therapy or something. I have been reading self help books and trying harder to change my thinking. I have always been one to think the worst will happen. I have been facing my fear of driving and I have been taking lessons, the shaking and feeling like I am going to faint while I drive has been fading away and I feel a bit stronger for facing something I have for years avoided.
I feel like I will always have a problem with depression, which only gets worse in the winter time, but it's summer so I am trying to embrace it and grow. I am trying to make myself think more positive and be a stronger person, I have been through things that have not been easy, and I have survived.
I just wish things would start to turn up for once, and stay that way for me, not have everything always fall apart at once like they have, I am trying to be more grateful, but changing from negative thoughts (that seem so natural for me) to positive ones can be hard and exhausting, but I just have to keep trying.