Depression And Anxiety

I have been dealing with depression for years now, I remember being in grade 7 and crying every day after school. I toughed up a bit, but when I was 14 I ended up in an abusive relationship, it wasn't full blown abusive at the start, but there was control and manipulation that I was too young, insecure and desperate to be loved, I couldn't pick up on those signs back then. We dated for years, until I was almost 21, it was an awful and turbulent relationship.

It didn't make things better when it ended, there were lies, he was still living with me and my family, things had never been easy and the abuse still didn't stop. I thought I cared about him, but I now realize I was just so beaten down that I felt I would die without him. Transitioning my life after he was gone was not easy, he found another girlfriend and even though I didn't want him back (he was awful to me) I was still insulted and so lost. I was out drinking all the time, desperately seeking male attention (only attracting more awful men that made me feel worse about myself)  I had a mental breakdown, and realized I couldn't function anymore, so I went to my doctor. I had also been recently experiencing panic attacks all the time, which are scary and you feel like you are going to die. Maybe it was finally being alone that caused them, scared of not having a man in my life, or maybe it was because I didn't have the stress of an awful relationship and a man I thought I could change in my life, maybe that lack of stress made me focus on myself which was scary. I didn't know what I liked or was interested in anymore, he had put me down for so much, I didn't do any growing in my teen years, none that was healthy anyways, it was all unhealthy detachment.

My doctor put me on antidepressants for a year or so, and things started to get a little better. My abusive ex had moved out and I started to be okay with myself, then I met my last recent ex, it was love at first sight and he treated me wonderfully, but after almost two years, and one previous short break up, he left me again.

I am now alone again and struggling with the same feelings as before, although they may not be as strong, it still affects me. I wish I could be happy without a man in my life but I feel like I need one. There is always work to be done I guess, I am no longer on my antidepressants, I have been off them for at least a year now, sometimes I think I may need them again, but I try to understand that some days or worse than others and tomorrow will be another day.

I have done a lot of work with me and when I move to a new town to start a new life and go back to school, I hope things will get better and if I still feel these unsettled emotions I plan to seek out some type of therapy or something. I have been reading self help books and trying harder to change my thinking. I have always been one to think the worst will happen. I have been facing my fear of driving and I have been taking lessons, the shaking and feeling like I am going to faint while I drive has been fading away and I feel a bit stronger for facing something I have for years avoided.

I feel like I will always have a problem with depression, which only gets worse in the winter time, but it's summer so I am trying to embrace it and grow. I am trying to make myself think more positive and be a stronger person, I have been through things that have not been easy, and I have survived.

I just wish things would start to turn up for once, and stay that way for me, not have everything always fall apart at once like they have, I am trying to be more grateful, but changing from negative thoughts (that seem so natural for me) to positive ones can be hard and exhausting, but I just have to keep trying.
be2cute be2cute
22-25, F
3 Responses May 31, 2012

I can perfectly understand what you are going through because I have had the same experience. I am battling it too. Why don't you try reading "feeling good" by Dr. David Burns. Reading it everyday really helps a lot as you find new things and discover more and more in every page. Practicing it is important. How did you overcome panic attacks......?? When I hear the name of my ex from a common friend, I just get a panic attack, I don't even know if he is really my ex, its just been just 3 weeks since I heard from him even to apologize or to solve issues! I hate being in love. Its better to wait for the right person, and move with him to understand. Sometimes may be we really need to think before falling in love. Going through a heartache is the worst thing. But overcoming it with strong and positivity is great even if its tough. Start thinking that someone as nice as you deserves someone amazing and choose to wait. There is destiny, that person may walk into your life and stay forever, and then there will be so much happiness. Dream it and let it come true. :)

I still get panic attacks with my ex too, just so many feelings come up, but for other things I try to notice before the attack gets too bad and I try to tell myself everything will be fine and distract myself to keep busy and not think the worst

I have spent some time working in mental health and, although personal to you, your feelings are not uncommon (I mean this in the most respectful way). <br />
<br />
Many people who live with depression choose not to speak about it, so it must be a positive sign that you are strong enough to speak about it in such an open forum such as this. <br />
<br />
It sounds like you are doing many of the important things, such as changing your thought patterns and looking to the future. <br />
<br />
I wish you all the best and if you wish to talk further please feel free to contact me.

Thank you for sharing your story.<br />
<br />
I can understand what you mean about how difficult it is to change the way you think, and I want to say that I admire your determination to face your fears and to grow as a person. I hope life picks up for you, and if you keep going as you are I'm sure that it will :)<br />
<br />
Best wishes.