Depression..go Away Please!

How hard it is to really battle depression, when it is so severe! It has been quite a few years since I have been going through depression. It started with my father forcing me to study the subjects I was not interested in. 12th was tough, I failed. My saga of problems started then. Little did I know when I was 17 what depression was. I could not communicate to make anyone understand, I used to be an introvert. After that started health problems, one upon the other, most painful gyneac disorder - Endometriosis, Stomach problems, etc.....just intolerable abdominal pain and medicines including horrifying hormones and antidepressants. But after many tries I succeeded and graduated. Due to lot of suffering, I could not work outside. I slowly started as a freelancer. Over the last ten years, there have been hundreds of hospital and doctor visits that I hate. Medications that are inevitable. Therapies that help but tough to implement. Depth of negative thoughts and worry especially for life threatening suffering due to endometriosis just made me suicidal. But I overcame as the final surgery to remove my reproductive organs became inevitable again to save my life that I felt like ending after going through years of hell from my teenage for years. I could work outside. But stress used to affect me. Unknowingly I became a tensed, anxious individual. Every issue was a worry, it still is. But I am keeping on with my efforts and I have a very long way to go. In between were two heart breaks that felt like the worst pain i my heart, mind and soul. One break up, just 3 weeks old is still bothering me. Anxiety and panic attacks, my god! Let no one suffer the way I did. I many times felt that I suffered just one degree less than dying cancer patients. At least they had death. But I neither had life nor death. MY efforts to fight negativity will continue, I just live one day at a time. But future still worries me. Diversion helps when am depressed. Being with people I like, reading something nice, watching comic movies, taking a walk in the breeze, spending time with God help me little I can say. Its really very tough to endure this depression. To rise up from the pit of negativity that is so automatically programmed in my brain is like an everyday war. But positive thoughts only make our life they say. Trying is my effort, help from others and God is my blessing. All I want is a simple and peaceful life. I can't put up artificial smiles and laughter anymore. Something creeps deep inside when am severely depressed, even when people are around. I wish I had magical power to stop harmful negative thoughts. A desperate state to get out of all my problems, that I want everything to be perfect overnight, every single day. To love a person so deep happens so easy, so I fell in love. But when hurt strikes from that person's end when I have been unwell, hits like a destructive storm. Forgiveness is sometimes tough on big hurts. But its hard to judge whether to be with that person or not who had loved me great in the beginning and changed suddenly due to silly circumstances. When I can't be important in his life anymore, then why should he be important to me? No, its better to get over the heartache than to bear the hurt and repeated stabbing of my heart because am a very sensitive person. Doctors identified my depression and anxiety. and other symptoms were of surgical outcomes. Together, the good therapist that I went to termed my condition as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know not anything of the future. Sometimes future scares me. God has failed me even when my belief was strong. I need a trustworthy friend whom I can share happy as well as unhappy stuff in my life. But I want more of positivity to win over my problems that are too hard to pt up with. I had to resign due to unbearable work load and salary cut. It was tough to handle. Last year I discovered that I had gall bladder stones. Medication did not help for a year. Surgery was the answer again. This expensive surgery would take off another organ from my body. I felt as if i was born only to lose my organs or what? I tried a home remedy, it worked. Please let the stones not recur again Lord. Have mercy. I have pain, am recovering slowly. After that I need to look for another job. Te confidence, self belief and self esteem that I had is gone. The hormonal treatment triggered thyroid problem too. Many many health issues, immense suffering, unexpected difficult circumstances have brought me to a very depressive state. The moment I hear the name of my ex from a common friend, I get panic attacks and feel more depressed. Repeated explanations also don't work with such friends. I do not like it when educated people do not understand me and keep judging me wrong without knowing my journey in life so far. Gosh! depression is common, but clinical depression, worry, anxiety and panic attacks are hard to deal with. I do not know how accurately should I try to overcome. I am so totally lost. My mom is sick too. Problems and responsibilities and financial constraints at home is an additional worry. Yes am battling, but I don't know if my path is correct. I don't know how to go about everything. Handling multiple problems at once is so so tough. I cannot count the number of times I have sobbed and wept helplessly. Just want to get out of these situations. All I want is my health back, then there is no looking back. I want to be healthy, physically and psychologically. Yes, truly. But I need help, and I have insufficient help. I want to be happy and avoid negative people. Guide me friends....I feel as if I found something here. Something nice, someone good....I want to try my best and set up a good routine and life for myself full of good health, fitness and energy. I want health and happiness. Depression is too hard to tolerate. How much more and how long more shall I try.......I really don't want to give up! Say something folks.....advice n guide me plzzzz....
jthejaswini jthejaswini 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 1, 2012

Your Response


Thanks a lot for understanding and giving me useful ideas to follow. I'll tell you something, I guess depressed people understand other depressed people. That is why you have written well to me. At any point, we need not give up even though its very hard. Getting help is very handy. I tell you my counselor is very kind, understanding and tells me to write my negative thoughts. It is then our duty to work to convert it into something positive, which will not let us down like the negative thought does. For me writing helps a lot. I'll give you an example: If you run late for an important official meeting just because you woke up late, you feel terribly embarrassed to walk into the conference room and it lingers on you the entire day. Negative thoughts tell you how irresponsible you are etc... But the brighter side of it is that you went to the meeting late for just once, it hardly happens. You apologized and just have to tell yourself "I usually do not run late for important meeting. I know and many people who know me know how responsible I am. Being late for a meeting for once is not a disaster"

This simple example will highlight the positive side of the thought, and the negative stays back. Its tough for complex situations and conditions, but only when we try we know it works little by by day....This is the Cognitive Behavior Therapy as my counselor said. Why don't you read about it, understand it well and try. Write so that all your anger, sadness, depression, disappointments come out. Really! I feel like helping all depressed people in someway here, by posting something useful because I understand. Do not give up, we need to work so hard on diverting ourselves that someday soon it pays off! I am just waiting for that fine day, so you wait too, put in your efforts to rise above the darkness. Read positive quotes - There is light at the end of the tunnel. It feels so good to read this, its hope. Hope is what can keep us going. See we are here comforting each other, we relate on common grounds, even though we do not even know who the other person is. I hope I've written something that can help you. If you're healthy, just go out and have fun, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone! Its okay...... :)

Now I'll ask you something. I have been breaking my head over whether or not should I mail a musical CD to my ex. We never spoke of break up, but we had a fight on sms when I was enraged by his behavior about 3 weeks back. He likes saxophone. So I had bought the saxophone CD to surprise him when we had planned to meet, but things went messy. I feel like sending that across along with a nice note and a decent letter as to how he had to understand and treat me good. Even though I can't get over him so early, getting back is not possible, but at least I want him to know what I went through and how it felt, just for the last time. May be he will realize. That is all I want - to make him realize on how to be understanding and how not to be insensitive. Can I go ahead with this idea? AM so confused. Just tel me what you think please :)

And please smile more. Do not do anything that will make you more depressed. Its just our will power that will help us tread ahead. If you are a person who believes in God, praying helps. Talk to God in your prayers with deep faith and ask for strength to overcome depression. It makes you feel better. And, Lending a helping hand to others gives you satisfaction. You will love yourself more. Do any silly, crazy or nice stuff that can make you happy. Bring out the child in you. :) These are what I try to do :)

Good luck is yours! :)

First, let me say that I am so sorry for you're going through. Some off the things you describe are very hard to deal with even when your medical and mental situation isn't as complex as yours. You have a lot to bear, and from what I'm reading you are doing a good job of it under terrible circumstances.

If it were only that easy as your title, we wouldn't be in this mess we call depression. But alas it is not easy. All the things you suffer from, have dealt with and are dealing with, do paint a complex picture. And it is hard to tell what is what, for instance the breakup, is it the heartache or the depression that makes it seemingly extra hard.

You have a simple wish, to be happy. A clear goal. So keep that in mind, always. Difficult, I know, but try as hard as you can.

Maybe it will help you to try and create order of your conditions. So you don't have to tackle them all at once. Try to figure out what is dealt with, physically and emotionally. Try to figure what need to be dealt with immediately, short term, medium term, long term. Easily said, not as easily done, I know, but creating order might help you in keeping going. Try to keep clear focus, hard I know. Keep talking to people, use reflection. I mean, if you feel lost, or are uncertain of the path you're taking, vent it, ask if what you're doing is the right path. And if the answer is "no, it isn't", ask how to get on the right path. Actually that is what you're doing here, with your story. If the answer is "yes", ask why it is the right path, it helps you in the future.

Don't know if it helps, reading it back, I honestly must say that if someone gave the advice I wrote above in my darkest days, I most certainly would have no idea what they where saying, and would really think, they didn't understand what I was going through.