Clock Ticks, Nothing Changes

The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes.  And you need the time to pass.  Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be.  You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here.  Tick tick tick.  You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from. 

The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you’re back at home.

You traveled to work that morning the way you always do, the usual way, the way it must have always been.  Entering the train, head down, while parents grab their small children by the hand and shuffle them away from the crazy person.  It would be laughable to think that your sickness was discreet if anything were laughable.  You’re as black on the outside as you are on the inside.

Some people were meant to make it, some were not.  You are ticked under the latter column.  Tick tick tick.  Tickety tickety tack.

This is the way you feel when you despondently look at your hands.  And having been exactly where you are, I would not be foolish enough to say that it’s all in your head.  (“It’s all in my head?  Where else could it be?”)  But the reality is that you are battling an insidious illness called depression, an illness that robs you of your joy, your spirit, your hope.  But this thief’s most insidious trick is having convinced you that it’s stolen something that you never actually lost: courage.

Yes, you still have courage.  You may not feel it buried beneath layers of depression’s deceit and manipulation, but it’s there.  It took courage to wake up today knowing that you would feel the same way you felt yesterday.  It took courage to visit this website.  And making a phone call to get the professional help that you need is the most courageous thing that a person can do.

Because depression is completely treatable.  Once you acquire the tools you need to treat and manage your illness, those once maddening tick tick ticks will transform into the sounds of brush strokes on a canvas, bats cracking on a ball field, light rain pattering on a windowsill.  And that which once haunted you will take shape in the realization of the vibrant, introspective person you truly are.

Little Bird Little Bird
31-35, F
197 Responses Apr 12, 2006

you have eloquently worded my very own 'unnamed feeling' xx

love this story and they say the only neurotic ones are the ones that are out there not realizing the illness and not doing anything about it. It takes courage to face yourself and the world around you, strength to do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Very good story as I was just sitting on my couch isolated and frozen in fear looking for answers.....those answers have gotten me to go within my inner self be careful of too much introspection we think and then we DO. Take action, be persistent, and having the courage wheeew! You are strong.

Thank you for this beautiful story. This is exactly how I feel (I started meds today, after suffering dysthymia and eventually depression for probably around a decade). The past few weeks I have been doing exactly what you say: begging time to pass. I admire the way you write - something else I find has been stolen from me by depression. Mu brain has become dumb.


This story would be better if depression was a disease, but it is not. Depression is just for the weak who can't live in a harsh world.

Then perhaps you could do me a favor and shoot me in the head? It would solve both of our problems. Just please don't miss.

For serphvarna: <br />
Why are you on this site? I found your comment quite offensive. Please do some research before making ignorant statments such as the one you wrote. You seem stupid.

I know you mean well, and obviously understand, but: it is NOT completely treatable! I've been in treatment for 17 years, and was suffering for 15 before that. I've followed all the protocols, kept up with developments, imported drugs approved in Europe - even studied psychology in grad school, myself.<br />
<br />
If anything, I'm worse than ever. Not because I'm in a really severe acute episode right now (just the regular suffering). It's because I'm so damn tired of fighting. So tired. And it is very hard to hold onto hope, when you've been down all those "therapy and medicine" roads for so long. Meditation, exercise, spirituality: you name it. I felt very bad yesterday, but went to the gym because it was the only conceivably positive thing I could think to do at the moment.<br />
<br />
I feel like a boxer losing round after round. Have I got courage? Yes. I get off the stool every round, do the best I can to get better, and avoid anything that might lead to getting worse (e.g., negative and pessimistic people, naming worst-case scenario in everything from weather to politics to sports).<br />
<br />
Why do I need to do this any longer? When is enough, enough? People often say, "what about all those who love you?" Well, that was valid in the past, but due to many factors, my relationships now are gangrenous, long past any real vitality.<br />
<br />
This *sucks*!

You have put into words my life story. There are exceptions tho. I killed myself twice, was brought back to this world twice, and it took over 30 years to find the right medication for me. I have worse trials and tribulations today. I live thru these things easier today as the theif has been caged.

Jesus Christ > Depression. Pray and give your life to Jesus Christ. Just give yourself to him and he will set you free. The Moses said "The truth will make you free." and Jesus Christ said "I am the truth, the way and the light". Just trust in God and power and freedom will flow from that trusting!

WHAT B S. jesus this jesus that.Faith does NOT cure depression any more than it cures cancer.My step dad went to church faithfully and died of cancer. A very painful slow death that I literally watched.I am so sick of the jesus freaks on EP tring to say faith cures ****.

I've been sufferering for 30 years with mind numbing depression. been on meds, seen shrinks, counselors, theraplsts, you name it. I've tried to fill the giant black gaping whole in my soul with drugs, booze, men, food, shopping, you name it. i'm an intelligent woman, but i just don't f**kng care anymore about anything. I actually wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be dead, well technically I wouldn't wake up, but i digress. <br />
<br />
I attempted suicided in February of 2011 and if i would've had more pills I may have succeeded. talk about regret. I was then forced to see a therapist who only wanted me to talk about my drinking and make lists about things to accomplish before I die. I don't care...don't you get it? I don't wish my life to continue let alone make stupid lists. I lost a sister when she was 45, lung cancer. I consider her lucky to have died. Mum and Dad are both gone and I have one older sister I never see who lives 3000 miles away. An older brother died at 25, when I was 12. <br />
Srsly, we all die - no getting out of it, can someone just speed mine up a bit? I'd be happy with an eternity of nothingness - at least there is no pain.

The story itself is very encouraging and I hope I could also battle this thing.

keep the self analasys coming as u are good at writeing it.

This story was amazing, not to knock it down, but thinking that I can be courageous in a time like this is impossible, each and every day I go to bed suprised, shocked even that I could make it through that day and not pull the trigger, if you can have courage while depressed... You are a saint

So lovely, thank you.

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It's baffling how much this resembles my own thoughts sometimes. I never knew there were people like me, I thought I was alone in this. "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" I would ask myself. How naïve was I.

Beautiful writing! It captures the feeling so well and yet it seems almost a little to hopeful towards the end. I'm not sure, maybe there is no solution after all.

Nothing is sacred in my life, he is forwarding my e-mails to him to undisclosed rescipients, I have not threatened him or threatened him in done anything illegal in these e-mails, but I think he has given me some bad advice. He has made me insecure as a women and made me neglect my mental health. I was afraid he would cheat on me. I have been on disability for 3 years because I was hassled at work so bad and other changes occured and I moved and when that happed I was already on SSi. Then whe I quit because of move, boss said she would not give me a reference. With that vote of confidence and this economy and my worsening medical situation, I didn't know who I was dealing with. A serial user and an opportunist, he seemed like he had it together for a while for someone like me, but I come to find out he is a serial liar too. Every mistake I've made< some serious one's too he tells everyone, so people in town try to get me involved in illegal activities. Not interested. I'm really scared i conituious point this out to him, and he calls me paranoid, his friend throw my pills away, medication for bi-polar. Then he blames me because we actually have some good luck and he pretends to love and marry me. He slanders me on social websites, he gets texts from young nude women, I've been through this before. I am gullible and I got tied up with the wrong man again and he has played himself out to be some sort of victim even to his doctor, he reported me to ssdi to get my insurance taken away after he pressured me to by clothes for myself to look good for him and I can;t even drive a car or do my own taxes, he is trying to get me in trouble. They followed me around for months i know they did because he decided he didn't want to be married to me, and he wants me to be destitute. The thing is my family thinks I'm so crazy no one will talk to me and I have n friend's, no one to emotionally comfort me, what little money weve had has been going to debt and support payments. Nothing in savings. He has caused a situation where I have no one to help me and I am I suicidal and I think he targeted me intentionally to ruin my life. I've never lived alone and I'm afraid of people because they always try to steal from me or assault me and the police don't help mentals. What can I do?I know I sound pathetic, but when I was 14, 22 years ago I was told by my family that meds were bad and there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy.

Great story...very poetic in it's desc<x>ription

*smirks<br />
yeah... you tell it.

Thanks for writing this, it made me cry..I needed to hear it today of all days.

What a beautiful story.

Chronic depression remains one of the most difficult to treat problems in the mental health profession. Any suggestion that it is "completely treatable" is a bald faced lie promoted by a society in denial. The statistics say otherwise with some 60% of all suicides involving people diagnosed with mood disorders and a wealth of data suggesting it is a neurological problem that can be genetic in origin or caused by something as simple as a blow to the head.<br />
<br />
Like any other serious handicap for which there is no cure the issue is first and foremost learning to cope with the problem as best you can. Wishing you could be normal or blaming yourself for not being normal can only make matters worse. If you suspect you are not normal seek professional advice immediately.

You all are working under the false assumption that you just need to set your mind to something to get it done... but that just is NOT true! Have we managed to bring the dead back to life yet? NO. Have we managed to go backwards in time? NO. Will we ever? NO. Will depression ever be cured? NO. Are we fools to try? YES. Somebody prove me wrong.

your wrong very wrong pessimism makes you not a believer optimism makes miracles you need to work on yourself find god youll find the answers

wow this was so helpful for me. I have been in a complete state of depression for about five months now! That is the longer period of time, I believe I have ever been depressed. I know exactly what you are saying about the manipulation and deceit depression can play on our thoughts and I didn't even realize this as truth until now. I just keep saying tomorrow, Ill get it together. Tomorrow I'll actually quit smoking cigarettes, follow my dream to be a fashion designer, make friends even though I have none and have never been very good at making them, quit dropping out of college, be healthy, be clean, care, be considerate and creative to other people's needs and be a reliable person. I am so so so so far from all of these fantasies I wish to achieve, that so many others seem to have easily conquered and live day to day without difficulty of keeping up. I've been very happy before and successful as ****, but i am so all or nothing. I'm either utterly depressed or really really happy and i ba<x>se that happiness on how much I'm accomplishing and if one crack appears then i fall all the way back into the black comfortable pulls of depression and have trouble climbing back up.

You were able to describe depression so well, your writing touched me.

I read this and at first was comforted that someone understands the darkness that depression is. I almost cried when you wrote that it robs a person of joy, spirit, and hope, because it truly does. As I said, I felt comforted by this story until I read the last paragraph and you state that depression is completely treatable. I would very much like to know the treatment because for five years now I have been to numerous doctors and taken several different medications to try to get this bullcrap illness undercontrol and I have yet to find a treatment that works.

your not alone its a dark place indeed its all in the mind you have to find your own way out i realized it and it helped me surpass its like its scary but you have to get out of your own whole once u have ur confidence then u can move ahead you might think your going crazy but i also realize that attitude is everythjng and being optemistic helps cuz it triggers a different mind set also seek God go to a retreat you will feel the holy spirit healing you

You know, talking to someone you can really trust( as a friend did to me) can give you much more strength than doctors can

I have talked to my friends and my family and it offers no help for my situation. In fact, most people cut me short anymore because they are tired of hearing me speak about it. It boils down to that as long as the circumstances and my environment stays the same then there is not going to be a change in how I feel. I can't change were I live or how I live right now because I can't find work that allows me the money to change those things. The people around me do not change their ways and so it affects how I feel and I can't really just take them out of my life when most are family and I have to live with them. There are things out of my control and some of those things are causing me to stay constantly depressed and aggitated. I have been told to change my way of thinking.... well.... that only goes so far when I am faced with the same B.S. day in and day out and like I said the crap around me does not change and I am powerless to change it.

I can absolutely relate to this. I really only talk to my mother about my inner demons, &amp; she gets this bored look on her face or tells me to snap out of it. As someone who just seems like she was born a naturally happy person, it seems persistent depression is beyond her comprehension. The frustration that comes with unsightly, permanent circumstances never really seems to get easier.

I would like to know what the treatment is, too. I have been fighting this darkness for years and have not found anything that works. It is not as bad as it was, but I still wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.


When you find out the treatment please pass it on to me! Please &amp; thanks

4 More Responses

Thanks for your posting.<br />
<br />
I seem to be battling depression and probably now OCD and Adult ADD.<br />
Then again - I am 30 years older than you and never seemed "to have a problem" till about 10 years ago.<br />
Maybe I just notice my faults/frailties more...<br />
<br />
Life is an always changing mystery...

Just so you know depression is not a disease or a condition, it's...a state of the mind which coerces you to believe that you are all alone and helpless to the causes around you that is overwhelming your vision of life ahead, it can be beat if you surround yourself with people who care and accept you and support you while you retrace your steps and figure out a plan of implementations, it may not happen over night but it takes time stick to your ideals, goals, ambitions, dreams and sense of self and you will go far believe me its hell but you can always find your rope to escalate you to a brighter world.

I respect your opinion, and I mean no disrespect to you but, when your brain doesn't produce the amount of serotonin and other substances that are responsible for your mood, that other brains produce, isn't that a condition, an illness? Would you say the same thing to a diabetic, whose pancreas doesn't produce the amount of insulin required? You can't fix yourself just by taking medication, you do have to work on yourself, but that alone isn't that powerful, at least not at the beginning.
Take care.

i very much agree with aloneforlong i am new to ep but have had depression for twenty years with anxiety and insomnia i am trying to reach out, to help myself, but i realise the only reason there is space avalible in my head to process this with help from my doctor and medication it is hard to surround yourself with the type of support lushiro recommends when you have long term depression as you push away the things you love and feel like a burden to friends and family

Depression is situational not inherited. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Fix your situations and get support, get some medications and exercise to recover the balance, that simple.

Wow you put into words exactly how i feel even the right left brain stuff and painting stuff. i wish my meds worked like yours did, sometimes when my depression is at worst they don't really do much to help.

I felt like that throughout high school. I joined the military and accidently found my courage, all by myself. Then celebrated graduating basic training the guys on my course led me to a bar. I said a guy like me shouldn't start drinking. They left me sober on the dance floor then I said "**** it!" Had a drink and bam 5 yrs later in rehab and almost ruined my military career. The alcohol gave me false courage and forgot real courage that I only felt for a couple weeks ever in my life. A piece of advice was given to me that saved my career long before I ever had a job. Grandpa told me "don't burn your bridges Mike!" So I had been charged 3x, 2 of em related to alcohol abuse. I voluntarily released to be able to have an honorable discharge. I wanted to tell my grandpa thank you for the advice but he was on his death bed! He died of lung cancer and I never got to thank him. Then a few months later my entitlement from the military comes in and I blew it on Alcohol and quickly led to crack. When the money ran out I ran to a shelter and am tryin to get back into rehab again. RIP grandpa I'm gonna clean myself for myself and one day pass on the ol advice. (sry to vent)

I've felt this way before.

Auwaaa! Sniff* you inspire me to get up tomorrow and be more courageous.


Brilliantly written. Thank you. I can connect with everything you say.

Wow. You know your disease well.

Thank you. I needed to read these words today!

I too needed these words today. Thank you.

Courage, I should try to find some of that. Thanks for sharing.

I needed this so much. I hope god gives me courage because I have nothing else left

You are worth it Summergurl889! Believe me. You are worth it! It does take courage but just put one foot in front of the other and be definitive that you will get help. It\'s out there and it\'s very important to go get it. No one can do it for you, unless you overdose on drugs or some other attempt at suicide, but trust me when I say that it\'s the worse way to go and the worse way to let yourself go.

I have hit rock bottom. I have $0.00 to my name no bank account, and I am trading prescription drugs I need for anexiety and ADHD for gas money to get to a job I have to train at for a week before I start making money. The same job I worked at when I was 16 I was a host, now I'm 25, I've been to college and am back where I started. My parents are tired of hearing me cry about how I can't remember the last time I wasn't broke, heartbroken, and lonely.

I have been reading this book on thinking and psychology, it makes me no expert, but it talks about countering your negative thoughts with positive ones. So here we go, My first job was my favorite job, I loved the people and the laid back enviroment of the restaurant, fast paced but easy. You go home at the end of the day and leave work behind. I am broke today and I will be broke tomorrow, but if I keep at this I won't be broke forever. Money comes and goes. I have good friends who help me when they can and I have an optimistic attitude that things will get better. They have to.

This is unusual thinking for me as a I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and Manic Depression. I am supposed to take abilify 15mg and Lamictal before bed but I stick with the Abilify and seem to get along better than when I'm off everything. Someone please tell me this. If I KNOW I suffer from something, bi-polar disorder, manic depression, thyroid problems, call it what you want, I know medicine helps me stabilize my mood and basically not be suicidal when the world appears to be crashing in on me. If I know my happiness and well being depend on this one tiny pill how come it's so hard for me to take it everyday? I brush my teeth everyday, and shower and eat and I definitely don't forget to wake up and immediately smoke a cigarette, then why do I avoid this medication. I get to feeling fine and skip a day or two or run out and before you know it I am back to, "Mom I hate my life, I will always be poor, I want to die, the only reason I go on is my dogs." I am a mess without but sometimes I just don't want to admit that I am not normal. My brain does not function like a normal healthy brain. And I don't know the science behind these diseases I supposedly suffer from, but I know that without my meds, I am not myself. I will come up with so many excuses to not go get a refill telling myself I am fine without it. But the truth is I am not.

Thank you all for sharing your struggles with depression and bipolar disorder, it helps to know someone else out there is going through what I go through. God Bless

Thanks for sharing! May I ask how you know your bi polar? I'm embarrassed to say I'm 45 &amp; since I've been 40 my life has gone to the dark hole of hell! I hate me &amp; I can't stand myself! And I just wish, well, you know!? I cry all day &amp; I'm mean if I'm out of bed! I sleep all day &amp; night, for weeks then I can't sleep for days!? I try to go to my doctor &amp; they think I'm fine! No one can help me! But I am old &amp; I think maybe the dr thinks its too late or I'm beyond help!? Sorry for rambling! Please forgive! Wondering if you have any ideas? Thanks! Kind regards rise slater

I have bipolar and started having problems with money and drugs.
From what you wrote sounds like you're bipolar. I am also on SSI and often go broke. It's hard but I've learned ways around it to survive. I learned to rely on myself for whatever happens in life and do sometimes reach out for help. Have you seen a therapist? It wouldn't hurt to see one. They can help you beter than your mom can

I believe the reason we accidentally on purpose forget to take our meds is because we occasionally believe we don\'t really need them. I would much prefer not to take any medications. I believe at times that my whole life philosophy is based on the belief system, that I shouldn\'t have to take any medications. I hate taking medications. I hate being depressed. I haven\'t really been able to accept that I suffer from depression. I know I do suffer from it, I just can\'t seem to accept it. I just don\'t really get how I\'m suppose to accept it. It\'s not good thinking. It\'s a very recent revelation that I\'ve noticed. I\'m working on it. I have an apt tomorrow with my psychiatrist and I need to call and make an apt to see my Addictions counselor very soon.

We are all a work in progress. Change we must.

I\'d fire that Doctor! U R not too old! U R never too old to get help. Go to a walk in clinic or better yet go to your nearest Hospital and even better the Psychiatric Hospital where doctors are trained in mental health. You can get help and you deserve to get help. Believe that.

I just tried to spotlight your share, but i'm broke haha, as far as tokens go.
But listen. As far as feeling capable, you function. You wake up, u shower, u have your vice of a smoke, u show to work, and u carry your weight.
I'm sure you're like "but that's just on a good day, some days I call in, because I dread getting out, and sometimes my fingers shake as I light my cigarette". I KNOW.
I understood when u said if u believe you are suffering from diagnosis A/B then it makes sense to believe that medicines A/C are the answer to it.
Don't skip what u complained so hard to get! You're fooling yourself.
Take your freakin meds. And live like they don't matter.
That's how they work.
Good luck

2 More Responses

I loved what you wrote. Thanks for sharing.
I battle depression often and sometimes I'm barely able to function. It's a real struggle

Thank you for posting this! You are right in so many ways. This posting is really a blessing for me, right here, right now. It is very hard to find the courage to change. On the other hand, you are RIGHT! It took a lot of courage for me to get up this morning knowing I would almost probably feel the exact same way as yesterday! It took a lot of courage to come here on this site and share my experiences. I did it! I just never gave myself the RECOGNITION I deserved. Thank you for showing me what courage I do have. Thank you for helping recognize my courage. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you and Bless you!

Thank you for hope and honesty. We try not to outwardly be a bummer burden on our family and friends with our depression. Coming here and reading this from people that get it means this place is a real treasure

Wow! Amazing writer!

You wrote this so long ago and I have no idea how EP works, in that I came upon it today, but I'm glad I did. You have a gift. You captured the hell of depression and the endless days, then an occasional spark of "life". Thank you.