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Clock Ticks, Nothing Changes

The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes.  And you need the time to pass.  Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be.  You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here.  Tick tick tick.  You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from. 

The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you’re back at home.

You traveled to work that morning the way you always do, the usual way, the way it must have always been.  Entering the train, head down, while parents grab their small children by the hand and shuffle them away from the crazy person.  It would be laughable to think that your sickness was discreet if anything were laughable.  You’re as black on the outside as you are on the inside.

Some people were meant to make it, some were not.  You are ticked under the latter column.  Tick tick tick.  Tickety tickety tack.

This is the way you feel when you despondently look at your hands.  And having been exactly where you are, I would not be foolish enough to say that it’s all in your head.  (“It’s all in my head?  Where else could it be?”)  But the reality is that you are battling an insidious illness called depression, an illness that robs you of your joy, your spirit, your hope.  But this thief’s most insidious trick is having convinced you that it’s stolen something that you never actually lost: courage.

Yes, you still have courage.  You may not feel it buried beneath layers of depression’s deceit and manipulation, but it’s there.  It took courage to wake up today knowing that you would feel the same way you felt yesterday.  It took courage to visit this website.  And making a phone call to get the professional help that you need is the most courageous thing that a person can do.

Because depression is completely treatable.  Once you acquire the tools you need to treat and manage your illness, those once maddening tick tick ticks will transform into the sounds of brush strokes on a canvas, bats cracking on a ball field, light rain pattering on a windowsill.  And that which once haunted you will take shape in the realization of the vibrant, introspective person you truly are.

Little Bird Little Bird 31-35, F 204 Responses Apr 12, 2006

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Excellent allegory. First paragraph is stunningly familiar.

you have eloquently worded my very own 'unnamed feeling' xx


love this story and they say the only neurotic ones are the ones that are out there not realizing the illness and not doing anything about it. It takes courage to face yourself and the world around you, strength to do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Very good story as I was just sitting on my couch isolated and frozen in fear looking for answers.....those answers have gotten me to go within my inner self be careful of too much introspection we think and then we DO. Take action, be persistent, and having the courage wheeew! You are strong.

Thank you for this beautiful story. This is exactly how I feel (I started meds today, after suffering dysthymia and eventually depression for probably around a decade). The past few weeks I have been doing exactly what you say: begging time to pass. I admire the way you write - something else I find has been stolen from me by depression. Mu brain has become dumb.


This story would be better if depression was a disease, but it is not. Depression is just for the weak who can't live in a harsh world.

Then perhaps you could do me a favor and shoot me in the head? It would solve both of our problems. Just please don't miss.

For serphvarna: <br />
Why are you on this site? I found your comment quite offensive. Please do some research before making ignorant statments such as the one you wrote. You seem stupid.

I know you mean well, and obviously understand, but: it is NOT completely treatable! I've been in treatment for 17 years, and was suffering for 15 before that. I've followed all the protocols, kept up with developments, imported drugs approved in Europe - even studied psychology in grad school, myself.<br />
<br />
If anything, I'm worse than ever. Not because I'm in a really severe acute episode right now (just the regular suffering). It's because I'm so damn tired of fighting. So tired. And it is very hard to hold onto hope, when you've been down all those "therapy and medicine" roads for so long. Meditation, exercise, spirituality: you name it. I felt very bad yesterday, but went to the gym because it was the only conceivably positive thing I could think to do at the moment.<br />
<br />
I feel like a boxer losing round after round. Have I got courage? Yes. I get off the stool every round, do the best I can to get better, and avoid anything that might lead to getting worse (e.g., negative and pessimistic people, naming worst-case scenario in everything from weather to politics to sports).<br />
<br />
Why do I need to do this any longer? When is enough, enough? People often say, "what about all those who love you?" Well, that was valid in the past, but due to many factors, my relationships now are gangrenous, long past any real vitality.<br />
<br />
This *sucks*!

You have put into words my life story. There are exceptions tho. I killed myself twice, was brought back to this world twice, and it took over 30 years to find the right medication for me. I have worse trials and tribulations today. I live thru these things easier today as the theif has been caged.

Jesus Christ > Depression. Pray and give your life to Jesus Christ. Just give yourself to him and he will set you free. The Moses said "The truth will make you free." and Jesus Christ said "I am the truth, the way and the light". Just trust in God and power and freedom will flow from that trusting!

WHAT B S. jesus this jesus that.Faith does NOT cure depression any more than it cures cancer.My step dad went to church faithfully and died of cancer. A very painful slow death that I literally watched.I am so sick of the jesus freaks on EP tring to say faith cures ****.

I've been sufferering for 30 years with mind numbing depression. been on meds, seen shrinks, counselors, theraplsts, you name it. I've tried to fill the giant black gaping whole in my soul with drugs, booze, men, food, shopping, you name it. i'm an intelligent woman, but i just don't f**kng care anymore about anything. I actually wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be dead, well technically I wouldn't wake up, but i digress. <br />
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I attempted suicided in February of 2011 and if i would've had more pills I may have succeeded. talk about regret. I was then forced to see a therapist who only wanted me to talk about my drinking and make lists about things to accomplish before I die. I don't care...don't you get it? I don't wish my life to continue let alone make stupid lists. I lost a sister when she was 45, lung cancer. I consider her lucky to have died. Mum and Dad are both gone and I have one older sister I never see who lives 3000 miles away. An older brother died at 25, when I was 12. <br />
Srsly, we all die - no getting out of it, can someone just speed mine up a bit? I'd be happy with an eternity of nothingness - at least there is no pain.

The story itself is very encouraging and I hope I could also battle this thing.

keep the self analasys coming as u are good at writeing it.

This story was amazing, not to knock it down, but thinking that I can be courageous in a time like this is impossible, each and every day I go to bed suprised, shocked even that I could make it through that day and not pull the trigger, if you can have courage while depressed... You are a saint

So lovely, thank you.

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It's baffling how much this resembles my own thoughts sometimes. I never knew there were people like me, I thought I was alone in this. "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" I would ask myself. How naïve was I.

Beautiful writing! It captures the feeling so well and yet it seems almost a little to hopeful towards the end. I'm not sure, maybe there is no solution after all.

Nothing is sacred in my life, he is forwarding my e-mails to him to undisclosed rescipients, I have not threatened him or threatened him in done anything illegal in these e-mails, but I think he has given me some bad advice. He has made me insecure as a women and made me neglect my mental health. I was afraid he would cheat on me. I have been on disability for 3 years because I was hassled at work so bad and other changes occured and I moved and when that happed I was already on SSi. Then whe I quit because of move, boss said she would not give me a reference. With that vote of confidence and this economy and my worsening medical situation, I didn't know who I was dealing with. A serial user and an opportunist, he seemed like he had it together for a while for someone like me, but I come to find out he is a serial liar too. Every mistake I've made< some serious one's too he tells everyone, so people in town try to get me involved in illegal activities. Not interested. I'm really scared i conituious point this out to him, and he calls me paranoid, his friend throw my pills away, medication for bi-polar. Then he blames me because we actually have some good luck and he pretends to love and marry me. He slanders me on social websites, he gets texts from young nude women, I've been through this before. I am gullible and I got tied up with the wrong man again and he has played himself out to be some sort of victim even to his doctor, he reported me to ssdi to get my insurance taken away after he pressured me to by clothes for myself to look good for him and I can;t even drive a car or do my own taxes, he is trying to get me in trouble. They followed me around for months i know they did because he decided he didn't want to be married to me, and he wants me to be destitute. The thing is my family thinks I'm so crazy no one will talk to me and I have n friend's, no one to emotionally comfort me, what little money weve had has been going to debt and support payments. Nothing in savings. He has caused a situation where I have no one to help me and I am I suicidal and I think he targeted me intentionally to ruin my life. I've never lived alone and I'm afraid of people because they always try to steal from me or assault me and the police don't help mentals. What can I do?I know I sound pathetic, but when I was 14, 22 years ago I was told by my family that meds were bad and there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy.

Great story...very poetic in it's desc<x>ription

*smirks<br />
yeah... you tell it.

Thanks for writing this, it made me cry..I needed to hear it today of all days.

What a beautiful story.

Stunning. Comfort to kindred spirits and a powerful lesson for empathetic , compassionate souls who really want to better understand this condition better.

ya the days seam to drag but years are flying by

Who wants to live forever anyway?

Chronic depression remains one of the most difficult to treat problems in the mental health profession. Any suggestion that it is "completely treatable" is a bald faced lie promoted by a society in denial. The statistics say otherwise with some 60% of all suicides involving people diagnosed with mood disorders and a wealth of data suggesting it is a neurological problem that can be genetic in origin or caused by something as simple as a blow to the head.<br />
<br />
Like any other serious handicap for which there is no cure the issue is first and foremost learning to cope with the problem as best you can. Wishing you could be normal or blaming yourself for not being normal can only make matters worse. If you suspect you are not normal seek professional advice immediately.

You all are working under the false assumption that you just need to set your mind to something to get it done... but that just is NOT true! Have we managed to bring the dead back to life yet? NO. Have we managed to go backwards in time? NO. Will we ever? NO. Will depression ever be cured? NO. Are we fools to try? YES. Somebody prove me wrong.

your wrong very wrong pessimism makes you not a believer optimism makes miracles you need to work on yourself find god youll find the answers

wow this was so helpful for me. I have been in a complete state of depression for about five months now! That is the longer period of time, I believe I have ever been depressed. I know exactly what you are saying about the manipulation and deceit depression can play on our thoughts and I didn't even realize this as truth until now. I just keep saying tomorrow, Ill get it together. Tomorrow I'll actually quit smoking cigarettes, follow my dream to be a fashion designer, make friends even though I have none and have never been very good at making them, quit dropping out of college, be healthy, be clean, care, be considerate and creative to other people's needs and be a reliable person. I am so so so so far from all of these fantasies I wish to achieve, that so many others seem to have easily conquered and live day to day without difficulty of keeping up. I've been very happy before and successful as ****, but i am so all or nothing. I'm either utterly depressed or really really happy and i ba<x>se that happiness on how much I'm accomplishing and if one crack appears then i fall all the way back into the black comfortable pulls of depression and have trouble climbing back up.