Clock Ticks, Nothing Changes

The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes.  And you need the time to pass.  Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be.  You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here.  Tick tick tick.  You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from. 

The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you’re back at home.

You traveled to work that morning the way you always do, the usual way, the way it must have always been.  Entering the train, head down, while parents grab their small children by the hand and shuffle them away from the crazy person.  It would be laughable to think that your sickness was discreet if anything were laughable.  You’re as black on the outside as you are on the inside.

Some people were meant to make it, some were not.  You are ticked under the latter column.  Tick tick tick.  Tickety tickety tack.

This is the way you feel when you despondently look at your hands.  And having been exactly where you are, I would not be foolish enough to say that it’s all in your head.  (“It’s all in my head?  Where else could it be?”)  But the reality is that you are battling an insidious illness called depression, an illness that robs you of your joy, your spirit, your hope.  But this thief’s most insidious trick is having convinced you that it’s stolen something that you never actually lost: courage.

Yes, you still have courage.  You may not feel it buried beneath layers of depression’s deceit and manipulation, but it’s there.  It took courage to wake up today knowing that you would feel the same way you felt yesterday.  It took courage to visit this website.  And making a phone call to get the professional help that you need is the most courageous thing that a person can do.

Because depression is completely treatable.  Once you acquire the tools you need to treat and manage your illness, those once maddening tick tick ticks will transform into the sounds of brush strokes on a canvas, bats cracking on a ball field, light rain pattering on a windowsill.  And that which once haunted you will take shape in the realization of the vibrant, introspective person you truly are.

Little Bird Little Bird
31-35, F
197 Responses Apr 12, 2006

It's baffling how much this resembles my own thoughts sometimes. I never knew there were people like me, I thought I was alone in this. "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" I would ask myself. How naïve was I.

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So lovely, thank you.

This story was amazing, not to knock it down, but thinking that I can be courageous in a time like this is impossible, each and every day I go to bed suprised, shocked even that I could make it through that day and not pull the trigger, if you can have courage while depressed... You are a saint

keep the self analasys coming as u are good at writeing it.

The story itself is very encouraging and I hope I could also battle this thing.

I've been sufferering for 30 years with mind numbing depression. been on meds, seen shrinks, counselors, theraplsts, you name it. I've tried to fill the giant black gaping whole in my soul with drugs, booze, men, food, shopping, you name it. i'm an intelligent woman, but i just don't f**kng care anymore about anything. I actually wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be dead, well technically I wouldn't wake up, but i digress. <br />
<br />
I attempted suicided in February of 2011 and if i would've had more pills I may have succeeded. talk about regret. I was then forced to see a therapist who only wanted me to talk about my drinking and make lists about things to accomplish before I die. I don't care...don't you get it? I don't wish my life to continue let alone make stupid lists. I lost a sister when she was 45, lung cancer. I consider her lucky to have died. Mum and Dad are both gone and I have one older sister I never see who lives 3000 miles away. An older brother died at 25, when I was 12. <br />
Srsly, we all die - no getting out of it, can someone just speed mine up a bit? I'd be happy with an eternity of nothingness - at least there is no pain.

WHAT B S. jesus this jesus that.Faith does NOT cure depression any more than it cures cancer.My step dad went to church faithfully and died of cancer. A very painful slow death that I literally watched.I am so sick of the jesus freaks on EP tring to say faith cures ****.

Jesus Christ > Depression. Pray and give your life to Jesus Christ. Just give yourself to him and he will set you free. The Moses said "The truth will make you free." and Jesus Christ said "I am the truth, the way and the light". Just trust in God and power and freedom will flow from that trusting!

You have put into words my life story. There are exceptions tho. I killed myself twice, was brought back to this world twice, and it took over 30 years to find the right medication for me. I have worse trials and tribulations today. I live thru these things easier today as the theif has been caged.

I know you mean well, and obviously understand, but: it is NOT completely treatable! I've been in treatment for 17 years, and was suffering for 15 before that. I've followed all the protocols, kept up with developments, imported drugs approved in Europe - even studied psychology in grad school, myself.<br />
<br />
If anything, I'm worse than ever. Not because I'm in a really severe acute episode right now (just the regular suffering). It's because I'm so damn tired of fighting. So tired. And it is very hard to hold onto hope, when you've been down all those "therapy and medicine" roads for so long. Meditation, exercise, spirituality: you name it. I felt very bad yesterday, but went to the gym because it was the only conceivably positive thing I could think to do at the moment.<br />
<br />
I feel like a boxer losing round after round. Have I got courage? Yes. I get off the stool every round, do the best I can to get better, and avoid anything that might lead to getting worse (e.g., negative and pessimistic people, naming worst-case scenario in everything from weather to politics to sports).<br />
<br />
Why do I need to do this any longer? When is enough, enough? People often say, "what about all those who love you?" Well, that was valid in the past, but due to many factors, my relationships now are gangrenous, long past any real vitality.<br />
<br />
This *sucks*!

For serphvarna: <br />
Why are you on this site? I found your comment quite offensive. Please do some research before making ignorant statments such as the one you wrote. You seem stupid.

This story would be better if depression was a disease, but it is not. Depression is just for the weak who can't live in a harsh world.

Then perhaps you could do me a favor and shoot me in the head? It would solve both of our problems. Just please don't miss.


Thank you for this beautiful story. This is exactly how I feel (I started meds today, after suffering dysthymia and eventually depression for probably around a decade). The past few weeks I have been doing exactly what you say: begging time to pass. I admire the way you write - something else I find has been stolen from me by depression. Mu brain has become dumb.

love this story and they say the only neurotic ones are the ones that are out there not realizing the illness and not doing anything about it. It takes courage to face yourself and the world around you, strength to do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Very good story as I was just sitting on my couch isolated and frozen in fear looking for answers.....those answers have gotten me to go within my inner self be careful of too much introspection we think and then we DO. Take action, be persistent, and having the courage wheeew! You are strong.

you have eloquently worded my very own 'unnamed feeling' xx

Excellent allegory. First paragraph is stunningly familiar.

thanks for sharing this ,even if it was shared long ago,the words..yes it needs a lot of courage..

This is...inspiring

Thank You. You give me hope.

This was written in 2006. I'm wondering when Little Bird last posted something here.<br />
Your writing is expressive, emotional, vivid, haunting. I enjoy your writing alot.<br />
Happy Holidays (if you observe these). :)

This was written in 2006. I'm wondering when Little Bird last posted something here.<br />
Your writing is expressive, emotional, vivid, haunting. I enjoy your writing alot.<br />
Happy Holidays (if you observe these). :)

Absolutely loved it! just awesome!

i sometimes cry for simple things that i souldnt cry over. i dont know why i just do. reading your story made me cry but not out of sadness of joy that im not the only one out there that feels this way ! ive done it for as long as i can remember .i use to cry when my mom would buy me somthing i didnt realy wont like christmas have your parents ever bought you the wrong thing ? did you start crying?but not out of selfishness out of something else i suffer from some type of depression and im going to get help thank you for your help

That was beautiful and inspiring. You made me think about what it would be like to be depressed. Thank you for informing me. <3

I must say that I really enjoyed reading your wonderful piece of work. I recently accepted that I have Depression, and I'm coming to terms with it. Having a place to vent, cry out, I'm depressed and I don't feel like explaining it to you today what I'm feeling. I want to scream out so loud to my loved loves over and over again. This amazing form is given me a voice, and helps me to see that I am not alone, That there are many others who have days just like mine. Days that I just don't want to get up out of bed, or go to work. For that fact not even sometimes want to take the next breath for air.

I am so glad I found this site. I have been depressed my whole life. I never what was wrong with me,it so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there. After many drs. and much medication, I feel almost normal whatever that is. I still don't go out much, I tend to isolate myself, which is weird since I hate being lonely. Feelings of rejection,not being smart enough makes it hard to talk to people. I have no close friends, just family , 2 sisters have passed away this year, one just 3 weeks ago. Some days I wished I didn't have to wake up. I don't work,my hubby's retired so I sit here and watch the walls I know it will get better but when your depressed, it's so hopeless. And today I feel pretty hopeless. Thank God for my son, he's grown but I do have him.Thanks for letting me vent. I feel your pain. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger

"depression is completely treatable"<br />
Can you please tell me how? because I'm going on to depressed year 7 now and I am not healed....... and yes, I have tried meds, psychs, docs, therapists, friends, families, loves, jobs.......

Yes, wonderful writing.

Thank you sometimes we all need reminding what we have achived, everything is so scarey even the everyday things others may not pay a second thought to. So I guess I have a little courage to get through another day so thank you, you are an inspiration

Wow, you really described me, the real me inside, sometimes I feel all alone in a room full of people. Even having someone there with you that has been through the pain and suffering of depression cannot ease your comfort, your mind races and thoughts of ending it all. But in the end you still awake to another day, thank you .

Great description of depression.You know exactly what you are feeling and at the same time unable to pull yourself away from these feeling.Its like being in total darkness with no energy or hope of finding light.Its like all moods and feelings you begin to think I am different from everyone else. I know that most people must not feel like me and that is what starts the process to change and seek help.Both the biological and mental reasons for depression are very treatable,but for a depressed person to realize this in his or her fr<x>ame of mind is the tricky part of getting help.

Very Interesting.

:3 well written.. this courage is hard to find though.. every time some seem to reach out their hand for help it is gently guided away either in fear of what others will think or the feeling of being a burden..

In many ways, I envy the scheduale and ordered structure many have with their work, whatever hours, part time or full time, jobs or even say school.<br />
<br />
I'm at college at the moment, well university as we mainly call it here in the UK. Unemployed, spread out lecture/seminar hours on different days. There's nothing to get me out of bed early for every day, for the early hours, that I just fall into this pattern of not finding the energy to get up, and end up sleeping in and missing what schedualed event I actually had. I just find myself in this recurring pattern.<br />
<br />
If I had a job, I could take my mind off it.

Wonderful story!!!! I suffer from depression as well. I have been to my Dr. and all he wants is to put me on mind numbing drugs that make me feel stoned. I have found that a few quotes have worked for me. Two are "This too shall pass", and "Nothing lasts forever." When I'm having a bad day, I repeat these quotes a few times to myself when I pray. I also keep telling myself that life is short, and to live it to the fullest. Thank you for your post, and may God Bless You!

This is amazing. I have battled terrible depression for months now and on and off to a lesser degree throughout my life. I really don't know what to do or how to get out of it but this has given me hope. Thank you<br />

compassionate it is????? well....this story is touching....battle of the depression is very detrimental...but you get over it very soon... :)


i agree, if ure not a writer u should b, or a poetist,,,,, ****, i'd watch ure movies at the theatres if u wrote and directed them, u sound better than half the **** they come out with today.... thumbs up

step by step,it takes some time too heal the past,scared to turn back,to confused to look forward,cant turn to look side ways....i went through this for years that didnt seem to end,truth is the pro's cant help no one can it all depends on you,its you're disision make it nd do it quick,you have a chance,you have a future,you have faith within... dream to believe,live to dream.

Thank YOU!

beautiful!!!! excellent thoughts and writing. wow

Please hang on in there, it sounds like you have been through so much .I have suffered from depression for years and I know how rough it can be, once you are down at the bottom of that well, it's so hard to climb back up. Sometimes you don't quite know how you got to that place that seems so dark and lonely and it seems almost impossible to claw your way back up. What's incredible about the giant, grey, big, gaping emotional wound is how stuffed up with **** it gets. <br />
<br />
I'm no expert but just small steps and small changes can make a HUGE difference. Tomorrow, for once, please just stop beating yourself up. Try to have a really different day. When I’m really depressed, I try to shake up my life and practically do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. <br />
<br />
I've always said that apathy leads to apathy. Energy leads to energy and sadness is simply sad. It's very difficult to make yourself happy. You have to wait until the sadness lifts, go away, and go back to where it came from. <br />
<br />
Somehow, reach out to someone. Join a support group. Join a community website that supports that hobby of yours. Visit a friend. They may need the visit as badly as you do. Friendships work on all different levels. We need friends for different moment, different reasons, and different times of our lives. Sometimes reconnecting with an old friend can really help get me out of a dark spot. <br />
<br />
On a practical not – do try to avoid drinking. It has been proven in many studies to make depression worse. It can also be two to three times as bad if you are taking medications for your depression. Exercise (a walk on the beach or a forest is so good for the soul) produces endorphins in your body which help you to “feel good” and work out the stress that may be a contributing factor. <br />
<br />
The problem I sometimes have is I’m too depressed to exercise. One excuse is as good as another when you just don’t want to exercise. Forcing yourself is one answer. You will thank yourself once you do so. Exercising with a friend is another answer. Just a few ideas…<br />
Good luck –hope things pick up for you.

Man sooo true. bomb story.

You obviously know what it is like...<br />
<br />
Your words are beautiful...Its intent is clear...<br />
<br />
If only people understood that depression is a disorder that destroys almost totally the person that you are...But just when you think it has succeeded...You find another spurt of courage that helps you look for a solution...Yet again...<br />
<br />
I wish people were not sooo afraid to get help...The stupid stigma that totally ignorant sometimes arragant people have created...<br />
<br />
How many people would be treated today - and - Not BE DEAD...If only they had been encouraged by family, friends & people attitudes to seek medical attention - They have an illness. <br />
<br />
Do what ever works MisJ ...Write down what you would tell your therapist if you spoke with her today...You don't have to give it to her...But jotting it down...Can help a bit!!!<br />
<br />
Battle on guys...

Your post relates to me so perfectly. That is exactly how I feel day to day, except unfortunately for the courage part, I keep telling myself that it's just a phase I'm going through at the moment though I guess I do know it's more than that. <br />
<br />
Thank you maybe I'll test out talking to a professional about it :).

Hey i find that offensive about saying i feel depressed >=O<br />
<br />
<br />
Go change up your routine, =P =]

It's nice that you found a treatment that works for you. Not all of us are as fortunate.

I love this until the very end. If treatment is drugs and being re programed, I'd rather be on my own to figure it out.

so everyone does dont overthink it .,i suffered for it for 10 yrs of my life and i think thats longer then anyne i know. the easiest way to get rid of it is work work and work keep your mind busy do something new anything you like it worked for me iam sure it will hel you too

wow, that was truly inspiring, i wish my suicidalisitic friends could read that.

Wow. I love this post. I have been suffering for 3 years now and have been on meds for 7mnths. It makes such a difference, I actually don't mind getting up in the morning anymore. Thank you, at least we know we're not alone:)

nICE STORY.i HAVE GONE THROUGH......But now Trust myself and trying to creat the kind of self of selfI will be happy to live all my life..I know Life is tough,and if U have the ability to laugh at it ,U have the ability to enjoy it.

you are lucky i have been waiting since february to see a shrink my doctor tells me apart from having bipola and borderline schytze i am now suffering post traumatic stress dis as well but it just gets harder each day to focus on what i have to do on a daily basis

you are lucky i have been waiting since february to see a shrink my doctor tells me apart from having bipola and borderline schytze i am now suffering post traumatic stress dis as well but it just gets harder each day to focus on what i have to do on a daily basis

Great story.

Hi little bird. Big bird is depressed too. Sorry that you are feeling so sad like I am.

That was beautiful. Thank you!

sometimes it hurts to feel.

Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt this way! The whole "clock ticking" thing, wow, spot on.<br />
The worst of it is waking up in the morning, because I'm always half-hoping I won't (wake up each morning.)<br />
There is a desperate urgency when dealing with this level of depression, and I'm feeling that now.<br />
My only sibling took his life a few years ago, and I obsess about that constantly. <br />
Anyway, nice post, and if nothing else, it helped me to see that I'm not the only one -- misery does, after all, enjoy company!

start the day just say help me jesus.and thank him to help you inhow you feel talk to him.about every thing . every one suffer in one kind or another.when you meet people to speak have a good word.and help people just be kind in thoughts and words god bless you.

wow! that was incredible, and as i also struggle with depression this story truely represents what depression feels like! thank you for sharing this

I relate to this - great article.<br />
<br />
But I am soooo tired of getting up in the morning to go through the whole deadly daily, weekly, monthly and yearly routine of repeating my steps just to keep my body housed and fed.<br />
<br />
And I'm on meds....

There is something seriously wrong with me.<br />
I have been depressed for so long that when offered anti depressants i refuse them because I am so worried of losing my depression. It has become something i enjoy but at the same time makes me want to throw my life away. I don't no what to do, i don't know who to turn to, all i know is im so scared about the future and what it will bring.

hello, I am 56 years old, male, and live in NY. I recently decided that my life is terrible and i am very sad. I've been through the therapy angle, and spoke to friends. I need someone, someone who has no vested interest in what I say, to talk to. I would appreciate contact from someone.... Hello, I'm Steven.

I am new here. I am a mother to 3 teens. and am just right now having my meds switched around and it's driving me totally crazy. But my internist wanyted to see if they were irritatingmy condition I am feeling so out of it though. So anyhow I have bipolar, OCD I cut,I cry on a dime, I am just an emotional wreck, how bout you? You can add me on facebook just remind me when you add me who you are I am Angela/LadyIllusions on there

I relate to that tick-tick-ticking so very much. It's probably the only thing that hasn't deserted me. It's amazing how much of a cage depression is, and how hard it is to find the key to escape it.<br />
<br />
And the louder the ticking gets, the more liable you are to just shut off from the world. This is a very real insight as to how people with depression suffers. It's very much like a clock, a constant warning of self demise, worthlessness, the inability to do anything correctly.

This is so articulate is profounds me. I wish I had people near me who understand how the darkness feels sometimes. It is so suffocatingly vacuous and despairing. Helpless really.

You have expressed my feelings to a tickity tock, but at this point in my life, there don't seem to be any medicines to help me; thus the battle must be carried out with what little courage I have. I am 66, married, no children, a very sick loving companion, Bruzzer, toy poodle, and I feel isolated and somewhat frantic. As a very private person, it is very difficult for me to reach out--I don't have the energy; I truly am weary.<br />
<br />
If there is any one out there who would be willing to e mail me on a daily basis, I would be so grateful. Many of my close friends have died and I have no biological family.<br />
<br />

Beautifully written.....<br />
I have battled with severe depression for over 15 years and I am still amazed at how it can completely overwhelm my life; something so simple as dressing in the morning, can bring out my depression in a gushing frenzy. The tears pour out and the pounding in my head begins. I just want it to go away, I just want to crawl into a hole and never wake up, but I cant and I begin to feel desperate. I need to get rid of the pain, to snap out of the misery/ the desperation. I begin to shake and I become angry because I cant snap out of it. I need to hit, I need hit NOW! Maybe if I hit myself enough I can accomplish a deep sleep and wake up all better...a different person!

Days pass,<br />
Years go by,<br />
A sleep thats never ending,<br />
As the feelings go,<br />
Jumping up and down, through,<br />
All the things to do,<br />
They point and laugh,<br />
At the one who will be,<br />
Most prominent,<br />
Depression,<br />
What a sad,<br />
Lonely child it is,<br />
Always waiting,<br />
Always open,<br />
Always trying to be friendly,<br />
But in its attempts to be friendly,<br />
A deep sleep ends, a maniacal laughter starts,<br />
You wake up, And that happiness fades,<br />
Of not being the only one looking.

I like this story but I have manic bi polar depression and really like the feeling of my mania, and depression. I find these feeling comforting.

I am fighting depression aswell! I hate waking up everyday! My life is crap right now, I lost my dog, my boyfriend is a peace of **** to me, I hate the way I look even tho ppl tell me a beautiful. I lost my job wich was the cherry on top! I feel like jumping off a building head first! Ive lost 40 lbs in less than 3 weeks, I just hate everything around me and have NO1 to turn to. I wish my Happyness lasted as long as my Sadness. I HATE MY LIFE!

Inspiring, I can really relate 2 this. Good stuff.

"I can't seem to get my life in order. Everywhere I look, people are successful, except for me."<br />
I feel like I'm in bazarro universe!

This is so well written, it captures perfectly the feeling of dreading a whole new day with its many reasons to be happy, and yet... being wholly unable to break through the numbness of it all.<br />
I was beginning to think I really was alone. Silly me. We WILL all find a way through this.

im sad

i know this feeling oh so well clock ticking nothing happening yeh life is **** im getting older im worried my lifes going nowhere i hate seeing happy people together i feel like an outsider a loner , ive saw a psychiatrist told me to up my anti depressants , they dont work i still take them but they dont work its a battle to get out of bed now

Thank you. You used the word "courage". I am a Vet who struggles with PTSD. Coward is the label I have given myself throughout this prolonged battle. After all, I'm alone. There is obviously something wrong with me. I don't feel courageous but I like the thought that it takes courage to face each day,even when their the same.

Yo! I know where you are coming from! I too feel like I feel sucked down a black hole! Being on Prozac, although I still have my bad days, I am alot more chirpy.<br />
<br />
Take care...Love...

That was awesome. Very deep


i dont know whats going on here

Time..I don't even know what year it is, gave up counting them along time ago, most of the hours of my day i'm some where else Im so happy there, because i'm dead....Just silence is what i want.

wow,thanks for this post.I'm still in here somewhere,thanks for reminding me

I too suffer from depression and I am bipolar I am a single dad and its hard too do it all on your own with little support but remember when you are having a bad day dont loose hope . I do have good days too ,I can think negative thoughts or I can think positive thoughts not that it works all the time but it does work dont give up there are lots of good people out there

Thank you... so much<br />
I now realize that I need to find some help...<br />
It's just that I can't afford it... this site is all that can help me at the moment... <br />
Thanks for this, you helped me alot

i too suffer from this disease and sometimes it hard to tell one day from the next but with meds, dr im on the track to recovery one day