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Clock Ticks, Nothing Changes

The sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes.  And you need the time to pass.  Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be.  You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here.  Tick tick tick.  You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from. 

The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you’re back at home.

You traveled to work that morning the way you always do, the usual way, the way it must have always been.  Entering the train, head down, while parents grab their small children by the hand and shuffle them away from the crazy person.  It would be laughable to think that your sickness was discreet if anything were laughable.  You’re as black on the outside as you are on the inside.

Some people were meant to make it, some were not.  You are ticked under the latter column.  Tick tick tick.  Tickety tickety tack.

This is the way you feel when you despondently look at your hands.  And having been exactly where you are, I would not be foolish enough to say that it’s all in your head.  (“It’s all in my head?  Where else could it be?”)  But the reality is that you are battling an insidious illness called depression, an illness that robs you of your joy, your spirit, your hope.  But this thief’s most insidious trick is having convinced you that it’s stolen something that you never actually lost: courage.

Yes, you still have courage.  You may not feel it buried beneath layers of depression’s deceit and manipulation, but it’s there.  It took courage to wake up today knowing that you would feel the same way you felt yesterday.  It took courage to visit this website.  And making a phone call to get the professional help that you need is the most courageous thing that a person can do.

Because depression is completely treatable.  Once you acquire the tools you need to treat and manage your illness, those once maddening tick tick ticks will transform into the sounds of brush strokes on a canvas, bats cracking on a ball field, light rain pattering on a windowsill.  And that which once haunted you will take shape in the realization of the vibrant, introspective person you truly are.

Little Bird Little Bird 31-35, F 203 Responses Apr 12, 2006

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*smirks<br />
yeah... you tell it.

Great story...very poetic in it's desc<x>ription

Nothing is sacred in my life, he is forwarding my e-mails to him to undisclosed rescipients, I have not threatened him or threatened him in done anything illegal in these e-mails, but I think he has given me some bad advice. He has made me insecure as a women and made me neglect my mental health. I was afraid he would cheat on me. I have been on disability for 3 years because I was hassled at work so bad and other changes occured and I moved and when that happed I was already on SSi. Then whe I quit because of move, boss said she would not give me a reference. With that vote of confidence and this economy and my worsening medical situation, I didn't know who I was dealing with. A serial user and an opportunist, he seemed like he had it together for a while for someone like me, but I come to find out he is a serial liar too. Every mistake I've made&lt; some serious one's too he tells everyone, so people in town try to get me involved in illegal activities. Not interested. I'm really scared i conituious point this out to him, and he calls me paranoid, his friend throw my pills away, medication for bi-polar. Then he blames me because we actually have some good luck and he pretends to love and marry me. He slanders me on social websites, he gets texts from young nude women, I've been through this before. I am gullible and I got tied up with the wrong man again and he has played himself out to be some sort of victim even to his doctor, he reported me to ssdi to get my insurance taken away after he pressured me to by clothes for myself to look good for him and I can;t even drive a car or do my own taxes, he is trying to get me in trouble. They followed me around for months i know they did because he decided he didn't want to be married to me, and he wants me to be destitute. The thing is my family thinks I'm so crazy no one will talk to me and I have n friend's, no one to emotionally comfort me, what little money weve had has been going to debt and support payments. Nothing in savings. He has caused a situation where I have no one to help me and I am I suicidal and I think he targeted me intentionally to ruin my life. I've never lived alone and I'm afraid of people because they always try to steal from me or assault me and the police don't help mentals. What can I do?I know I sound pathetic, but when I was 14, 22 years ago I was told by my family that meds were bad and there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy.

Beautiful writing! It captures the feeling so well and yet it seems almost a little to hopeful towards the end. I'm not sure, maybe there is no solution after all.

It's baffling how much this resembles my own thoughts sometimes. I never knew there were people like me, I thought I was alone in this. "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" I would ask myself. How naïve was I.

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So lovely, thank you.

This story was amazing, not to knock it down, but thinking that I can be courageous in a time like this is impossible, each and every day I go to bed suprised, shocked even that I could make it through that day and not pull the trigger, if you can have courage while depressed... You are a saint

keep the self analasys coming as u are good at writeing it.

The story itself is very encouraging and I hope I could also battle this thing.

I've been sufferering for 30 years with mind numbing depression. been on meds, seen shrinks, counselors, theraplsts, you name it. I've tried to fill the giant black gaping whole in my soul with drugs, booze, men, food, shopping, you name it. i'm an intelligent woman, but i just don't f**kng care anymore about anything. I actually wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be dead, well technically I wouldn't wake up, but i digress. <br />
<br />
I attempted suicided in February of 2011 and if i would've had more pills I may have succeeded. talk about regret. I was then forced to see a therapist who only wanted me to talk about my drinking and make lists about things to accomplish before I die. I don't care...don't you get it? I don't wish my life to continue let alone make stupid lists. I lost a sister when she was 45, lung cancer. I consider her lucky to have died. Mum and Dad are both gone and I have one older sister I never see who lives 3000 miles away. An older brother died at 25, when I was 12. <br />
Srsly, we all die - no getting out of it, can someone just speed mine up a bit? I'd be happy with an eternity of nothingness - at least there is no pain.

WHAT B S. jesus this jesus that.Faith does NOT cure depression any more than it cures cancer.My step dad went to church faithfully and died of cancer. A very painful slow death that I literally watched.I am so sick of the jesus freaks on EP tring to say faith cures ****.

Jesus Christ > Depression. Pray and give your life to Jesus Christ. Just give yourself to him and he will set you free. The Moses said "The truth will make you free." and Jesus Christ said "I am the truth, the way and the light". Just trust in God and power and freedom will flow from that trusting!

You have put into words my life story. There are exceptions tho. I killed myself twice, was brought back to this world twice, and it took over 30 years to find the right medication for me. I have worse trials and tribulations today. I live thru these things easier today as the theif has been caged.

I know you mean well, and obviously understand, but: it is NOT completely treatable! I've been in treatment for 17 years, and was suffering for 15 before that. I've followed all the protocols, kept up with developments, imported drugs approved in Europe - even studied psychology in grad school, myself.<br />
<br />
If anything, I'm worse than ever. Not because I'm in a really severe acute episode right now (just the regular suffering). It's because I'm so damn tired of fighting. So tired. And it is very hard to hold onto hope, when you've been down all those "therapy and medicine" roads for so long. Meditation, exercise, spirituality: you name it. I felt very bad yesterday, but went to the gym because it was the only conceivably positive thing I could think to do at the moment.<br />
<br />
I feel like a boxer losing round after round. Have I got courage? Yes. I get off the stool every round, do the best I can to get better, and avoid anything that might lead to getting worse (e.g., negative and pessimistic people, naming worst-case scenario in everything from weather to politics to sports).<br />
<br />
Why do I need to do this any longer? When is enough, enough? People often say, "what about all those who love you?" Well, that was valid in the past, but due to many factors, my relationships now are gangrenous, long past any real vitality.<br />
<br />
This *sucks*!

For serphvarna: <br />
Why are you on this site? I found your comment quite offensive. Please do some research before making ignorant statments such as the one you wrote. You seem stupid.

This story would be better if depression was a disease, but it is not. Depression is just for the weak who can't live in a harsh world.

Then perhaps you could do me a favor and shoot me in the head? It would solve both of our problems. Just please don't miss.

yes....

Thank you for this beautiful story. This is exactly how I feel (I started meds today, after suffering dysthymia and eventually depression for probably around a decade). The past few weeks I have been doing exactly what you say: begging time to pass. I admire the way you write - something else I find has been stolen from me by depression. Mu brain has become dumb.

love this story and they say the only neurotic ones are the ones that are out there not realizing the illness and not doing anything about it. It takes courage to face yourself and the world around you, strength to do what you need to do to take care of YOU. Very good story as I was just sitting on my couch isolated and frozen in fear looking for answers.....those answers have gotten me to go within my inner self be careful of too much introspection we think and then we DO. Take action, be persistent, and having the courage wheeew! You are strong.

((hugs))

you have eloquently worded my very own 'unnamed feeling' xx

Excellent allegory. First paragraph is stunningly familiar.

thanks for sharing this ,even if it was shared long ago,the words..yes it needs a lot of courage..

This is...inspiring

Thank You. You give me hope.

This was written in 2006. I'm wondering when Little Bird last posted something here.<br />
Your writing is expressive, emotional, vivid, haunting. I enjoy your writing alot.<br />
Happy Holidays (if you observe these). :)

This was written in 2006. I'm wondering when Little Bird last posted something here.<br />
Your writing is expressive, emotional, vivid, haunting. I enjoy your writing alot.<br />
Happy Holidays (if you observe these). :)

Absolutely loved it! just awesome!

i sometimes cry for simple things that i souldnt cry over. i dont know why i just do. reading your story made me cry but not out of sadness of joy that im not the only one out there that feels this way ! ive done it for as long as i can remember .i use to cry when my mom would buy me somthing i didnt realy wont like christmas have your parents ever bought you the wrong thing ? did you start crying?but not out of selfishness out of something else i suffer from some type of depression and im going to get help thank you for your help