Once a therapist said to me that I stand behind a wall and throw things over. That is how I feel at the moment.
I want people to reach me, but I have this huge wall around me. I throw things out to them and then hide behind my walls. I don’t mean to but i do.
I don’t know how to be different from this. What I say is genuine, but that is the stuff I throw over the wall and I don’t let anything come back over from outside. I am so so SO guarded and closed up. I pretend not to be so that people don’t feel uncomfortable, but people are not stupid. They can tell.
And I can tell. I feel cut off. Even when I talk honestly to people. I keep the wall there. I don’t know how not to.
I don’t let myself be who I really am because I don’t even know. For example, when I am negative, I feel guilty and ashamed, so I force myself to be positive, but when i am positive, I know I am faking just so people will be proud of me and not think i am a whiny person. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Spontaneity is something that happens to other people. Whatever I do, I am always thinking about everyone but me. It’s too terrifying not to.
I guess the wall is to hide the parts of me I can’t accept and I’m ashamed of. I can’t even look at them myself, never mind let anyone else see them.I feel so alone and unreachable, but that doesn't matter becaUse in the end I'm always sad. I just try to play it off like I'm happy so everyone things I'm okay but I'm not and I never will be