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Walls

 
Once a therapist said to me that I stand behind a wall and throw things over. That is how I feel at the moment.
I want people to reach me, but I have this huge wall around me. I throw things out to them and then hide behind my walls. I don’t mean to but i do.
I don’t know how to be different from this. What I say is genuine, but that is the stuff I throw over the wall and I don’t let anything come back over from outside. I am so so SO guarded and closed up. I pretend not to be so that people don’t feel uncomfortable, but people are not stupid. They can tell.
And I can tell. I feel cut off. Even when I talk honestly to people. I keep the wall there. I don’t know how not to.
I don’t let myself be who I really am because I don’t even know. For example, when I am negative, I feel guilty and ashamed, so I force myself to be positive, but when i am positive, I know I am faking just so people will be proud of me and not think i am a whiny person. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Spontaneity is something that happens to other people. Whatever I do, I am always thinking about everyone but me. It’s too terrifying not to.
I guess the wall is to hide the parts of me I can’t accept and I’m ashamed of. I can’t even look at them myself, never mind let anyone else see them.I feel so alone and unreachable, but that doesn't matter becaUse in the end I'm always sad. I just try to play it off like I'm happy so everyone things I'm okay but I'm not and I never will be
Elisapooh Elisapooh 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 16, 2012

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It is so much easier to build the wall, than to demolish it. With the risk of sounding like an old man, which in your eyes I most certainly am, let me tell you this.<br />
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When I was your age, I was in the same position. Putting things over the wall, hoping someone would pick it up and connect. Yet when they connected, I crawled down, and hid in some very dark spots. And I mean very dark. In retrospect, I should have listened better to those who managed to connect, but what they said scared the well you know, out of me. Therefore it cost me years of my life, to finally figure out for myself I needed help.<br />
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You have help, and that is good. Use it, because every day you are in the state you are in now, makes it harder to get out of that state. When a therapist tells you about the wall, and you recognize it, reach out and ask for help on how to demolish the wall, on how to start thinking about yourself without being scared to do so. It is not an easy road, and there are bumps, setbacks and all kinds of nasty stuff, but basically, the sooner you start, the better the odds are that you will be okay. Because, and this is important now, you can be okay. (And I know, the idea seems ludicrous, and probably is more terrifying than I care to remember).