I Battle Depression

I Need Someone...

By: Karma777

Written on June 17th, 2012

I need someone, I'm dying inside.
I need someone by my side. Someone I can cry to but then never see again in my life.
I can't stop crying when I'm alone. I feel like no one is here for me...
I don't even have a hard life, but everything is hurting. I want to hurt myself so bad.
No one is here to talk to me, and I don't want to open up to a stranger when I can't even do that with my bestfriends. I am alone.
I just wish I didn't bild everything up my whole life, because now its coming out.
All I can do is cry when I'm alone. I want to feel pain instead of the depressed feeling I have now. But pain only takes it away for a few seconds.
I need help, but I refuse to get it. I don't want anyone to know how bad I hurt, because they probably wouldn't believe it. I love to smile. But my Smiles are killing me more the laughter to me sounds silent. I feel dead inside. I'm calling out but still I deside to hide. I need to leave, when I hurt myself all I say is sorry. But I really am but I just can't stop. I'm sorry.

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By: Karma777

Age: 16-17 , Female

325 people have read this story

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18 responses

lillostangel

hello... wud u like to b my friend?

Aug 26, 2012
2 likes
bluepatriot

I know all too well exactly how you're feeling. That terrifying sensation, when you're alone, isolated, feeling as the entire world has dissolved away. The beauty of sites like this is the assurance that you are NEVER alone.

Those attacks where all you can do is cry about the life you've worked so hard to build crashing down about your ears. It's hard. It's unfair. It's painful. Bottling it all up until you crack is the worst. You need an outlet. Whatever healthy thing it is: art, writing, work, school, hobbies.

You sound like a caring, sensitive person. It takes strength to admit you need help. Speaking from experience, the first time you explain it to someone is probably the hardest. It took all the energy I had just to put it out in the open. Take baby steps. If you're really not comfortable bringing up the subject alone, ask for a mediator. Whether it be a teacher, cousolor, therapist, or docotor, having a third party calming the waters helps start the healing proccess.

My heart goes out to you. Know you are not alone.

Jun 18, 2012
2 likes
- Karma777
  I don't have anyone to talk to. I need someone by my side all the time, if not then I'm just a depressed mess. All I can think about is cutting myself but I stopped for my boyfriend but it's so hard to resist...
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- bluepatriot
  You're boyfriend knows then. Is there a reason you can't talk to him?
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Karma777
  I tell him everything but I don't want him to feel sorry for me. Like he's gone threw ALOTTT worse. And I wouldn't want to make it worse...
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
Eeney

I know you don't want to do it but please consider seeing a therapist or a counselor. They won't judge you and will be happy to listen to anything you have to tell them. Their entire job is to get paid to listen to you - so they might be exactly the shoulder to cry on that you need.

I see that you are a teenager so I assume you go to high school. Does your school have someone you can talk to?

Feel free to message me anytime you need to talk.

Jun 17, 2012
1 like
- Karma777
  I don't want anyone to know that I would see a therapist or whatever. I never want my parents to find out.
  And yeah I ONCE ment some lady at my school who is a counselor just to say hi because my teacher wanted me to and we talked about my adredalin problem and I told her not to call my parents and as soon as I left, she did. So I'm never doing that again.
  
  Jun 17, 2012
  1 like
- Eeney
  Oh, that sucks. Yeah, the law mandates that school counselors report certain things, like abuse and drug use. They can't keep quiet. So don't take it personally. Maybe she had to do it. But I understand you feeling betrayed.
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Karma777
  No like she had no right to call my parents. Espicaly when I told her not to because when didn't even talk about anything personal! She asked me if I'm on drugs or smoke weed and I said u don't. Because I don't and I never did. But she calls my dad saying that I might be taking drugs, like what the f.
  Lol you know? And how can I talk to somebody without anyone finding out!???
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Eeney
  Ok, if that was the case, that therapist was an idiot. But you shouldn't let one bad experience stop you from ever seeing another counselor again.
  Which state do you live in? You should Google depression hotlines, see if there is one in your state.
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Karma777
  I live in Michigan ,
  And how is a 17 year old going to do that without my patents finding out?
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
2 More Replies
vicarious1

The best thing about sites like this is that its as anonymous as you want it to be. Go ahead and open up to someone. I'm willing to listen. Get things off your chest at least for a little while. Who knows, you may even feel a little better. We wouldnt be on this site if we didnt have similar problems. I felt the same way when I was your age. I ended up going to the mental hospital for 3 months. Got on medication and went to therapy. I still have problems now over 20 years later but nothing I cant handle. Maybe we can talk about some of the things that helped me out over the years that may help you. The main thing is not to give up. You can pull through this if you fight for it. Don't let it take you over. And screw what everyone else thinks. Use the hell out of us! Get what you need to help yourself from talking to us. Nobody has to know about it. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to feel better. Message me anytime you feel like it.

Jun 17, 2012
2 likes
- Karma777
  I can't just think of myself like that tho. I want others to be happy, I would never want anyone to feel the way I feel. It's horrible.
  If others Smile then I Smile.
  
  Jun 17, 2012
  1 like
- Eeney
  You shouldn't deal with it on your own. There's a movie called Hannah and Her Sisters about a woman who won't tell her family about her problems because she doesn't want to "burden" them. So she keeps it all locked up inside and puts on a happy front, which only serves to make her more miserable. Her sister finally tells her "I WANT to be 'burdened' !".
  You may be going through a similar situation. Maybe relatives and friends WANT to be told there is something bad going on.
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Karma777
  No, no one can even see signs.
  I'm strong enough to act happy so that means I'm strong enough to get threw it...
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Eeney
  You may be good at fooling others. Many people with depression are good at that. That's why the relatives of people who commit suicide often say "We had no idea he/she was unhappy!"
  Trust me, hiding it from people who might be able to help you, if they only knew, isn't a good way to go. If you had a broken leg, would you try to keep it from parents, friends and doctors to not cause them any pain or not worry them? Admitting there is a problem is the first step towards solving it.
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
- Karma777
  A broken leg is a lot different. And after 17 years of me making it threw it and acting happy then I think it helps. I mean I would go see someone like a therapist but I wouldn't want then to say anything to anyone! Like why would I give them all of my problems when they wouldn't even care?? They have to deal with hundreds of people's. And I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I just don't want anyone to know but I do need someone to help me...
  
  Jun 18, 2012
  1 like
2 More Replies
gmckdude711

It's not an easy battle, I've been down that road myself. I am willing to do what I can to alleviate the pain since I know how bad it is. I wish I could teleport to somewhere mutually suitable from here in SC so I could snuggle you while you get your crying needs out of your system as I think it'd do me good to enjoy a good snuggle session in such a manner that we can alleviate each others' pain (read my story "Rough Merry month of May" at http://tinyurl.com/chm5nxv and "Ready for an Affectionate Girl" at http://tinyurl.com/cysayrv and you'll see in further detail what I'm looking for).

Jun 17, 2012
1 like

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