Messed Up And Pathetic.

I am a 21 year old female living at home with my dad, his brand new wife and my younger brother.

Over the last two years, my mom left my family, my parents got divorced, my mom got married less than a week after the divorce, I quit my job because I was being treated like dirt, two of my cats and one of my dogs passed away (Cats died of old age, dog had a brain tumor) I had to sell my horse, my best (and only) friend moved to another city, my other brother had to go into state custody because he was out of control, my sister attempted suicide and had to go to a psychiatric ward, between the time my mom left and my two siblings left, I took over the role of "mom" as best as I could (which wasn't very good), my sister got out of the psychiatric ward and moved in with my mom, and just recently, my dad got remarried and now they are changing everything about the house; new floors, repainting walls, new furniture, changing location of items in the kitchen (I can't find anything in my own house, and it's frustrating)

All of these events and changes are getting to me. Pile all that onto preexisting depression, social anxiety, self-esteem and self image issues, and you've got a nearly-insane me.

I have tried for a long time to just.. feel better about myself by doing service for others. For two years, I trained two currently-working service dogs. And for a while, that worked. I was feeling better about myself (still not 100% confident about myself, but better) But my dad thought it was a waste of my time, so I had to stop since I still live in his house.

In fact, still living with my dad is something I am truly embarrassed about. I want more than anything to move out. But in order to move out, I need money. In order to get money, I need another job, in order to get that job, I need to do well at the interviews, which is extremely hard for me because of my social anxiety. I have tried for months to get a job, but it's not working.

I asked my grandparents a state away if I can live with them until I can move out, but they don't seem thrilled about it, which adds to my depression because a couple months ago, my sister asked if she could move in with them, and they were absolutely thrilled to have her. She later decided moving in with my mom was better for her.

My dad's new wife has made it fairly clear that she doesn't want me around. I don't know what happened. When they where dating, she seemed really sweet and nice. But now, she seems to be trying to make me feel as unwelcome as possible, including (but not limited to) basically banning me from the top floor of the house I've lived in for 12 years. And my dad is going along with it. I feel stupid for basically whining about it, I'm 21 and shouldn't even be living here in the first place.

I just feel like a huge (literally) loser. No one seems to want anything to do with me. I'm ugly, fat and have no social skills. The only guy I ever kind of dated turned out to be gay. He was the only guy that ever looked past my insecurities and my imperfections and really got to know me. And now I'm feeling hopeless.

I used to cope by squeezing my guide dogs-in-training or just laying on and hugging my horse while she grazed. But now I don't have dogs or horses anymore, and I don't know how to cope. I don't have anyone or any pets I can squeeze. Lately, I've been living vicariously through books, and I guess that is how I've been coping, if you can call it that.