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Mind Numbing

I think my lack of feelings sometimes is because of the fact that I am numb form the inside out. I've never seen anyone about it and I know the longer I take to get all this **** sorted out, the worse it will get for me to take it day by day.
I've tried numerous times to commit suicide and I realized it helps nothing, so I've taken up an incredibly addictive personality.
So I inflict pain on myself from the feelings of guilt and blame i feel every day and the hollow contempt i feel for everything and everyone.

I don't wish that i was dead, I wish I could get a life and stand up with a real smile like the mask i put on everyday so people won't feel obliged to ask me what's wrong.

I take on one bad habit after another and the more i try to get rid of one, the other gets stronger.
I smoke, hurt myself, cut myself off from feeling too much for people so I won't get hurt and that causes me to never really feel emotions, so I can't cry anymore.

I am a numb, dead shell of my previous who i used to be...
melomania melomania 18-21, F 1 Response Jun 30, 2012

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I know what your feeling an believe you me I can relate to your story I know what it's like to live without a lifeforce to feel numb an lifeless inside and so dead to the world your not alone. As for the crying part the last time I think I cried I was maybe13 years old thats over 20 years ago so I truly feel your pain. If I was offered a whole lot of money in exchange not to cry I would turn it down just to shed tears to help clean out my soul keep the money because I need to cry I harbor to much pain not to wanna shed tears. Being happy and mentally healthy is priceless I would give my last to feel alive again so I've de cided to get therapy which I've been running and hiding from no more enough is enough. I need help my problem is tooooooo!!! big for my shoulders to handle anymore

thank you :) I've been contemplating going to therapy. have you gone yet? Is it helping?

hey how are you today im sorry im just getting bac to u but yes i have started therapy my first intake was actually 2 weeks ago tomorrow will be the second time im going i cant say it's actually working yet but just pushing forward to getting help is the biggest effort saying you have a problem and need help is the first step so im glad i finally made it.