Maybe It's Just Seasonal Affective Disorder Or Dysthymia

I've probably dealt with depression for a long time, although I didn't take it seriously as a medical disease until just recently. The most vivid memories of being depressed were during high school. It's not until now that I recognize my constant boredom with the world as a sign of depression. Seriously. Teen-agers should never be bored. If your teen-ager complains about that, you might just be dealing with depression. I was 16 the first time I thought about killing myself, although I never went through with it. I thought about locking myself in my parents' car and idling it in the middle of the night, and I remember just hanging out in the garage at 3:30am, but I couldn't do it. Instead, like many red-blooded Americans, I turned to alcohol. Talk about stupidity. Medicating depression with a depressant. Good luck with that. The next serious depressive episode was during college after my girlfriend cheated on me and slept with another guy. I can still remember the life-sucking feeling of dreariness and grey consuming my soul. I would lay in bed for hours and not eat for days. It was pretty bad. The next time was after graduating from college. Given that I had no purpose in life at the time, I thought about OD'ing on some prescription pain-killers. It was liquid stuff and I drank maybe four times more than the recommend dose and intended to drink the entire bottle but then I stopped before I passed out completely. I guess I've just never had the balls to off myself. But one day in grad school, I just completely lost it. I was a complete wreck. My apartment was in shambles because I hadn't done dishes or thrown away garbage for days. I hadn't paid my bills or indeed opened any mail. I just sat at home when instead I was supposed to be doing things for school. That was pretty much the point when I knew that I was sick and that I needed professional help. Some people are totally against anti-depressant drugs, and the studies show that cognitive behavioral therapy is just as effective as medication. But I'm not sure I'd be where I am if I didn't take the meds. I haven't beaten it completely yet, but I can tell that I'm way better than I was. Maybe one day, I'll completely break out of this dark cloud and finally feel like a complete human being.
victorious victorious
26-30, M
Apr 22, 2007