The Darkness Within

Depression is more than feeling sorry for yourself. It is a debilatating disease. I have battled with depression for many years...when it hits me worst, I stop eating, I stop taking care of myself, I get lost in my own thoughts, alot of jaded memories. I hide from the world, lost in my own darkness. Last year I started smoking pot voraciously to keep myself from falling too deep. I was thinking about suicide every day because I couldn't find a way out, ashamed of myself for my human weakness...I will never commit suicide though, I tried with drugs when i was younger, but I love my family too much to hurt them by hurting myself...I find prayer is the best way to cope with the adversity within...prayer from the heart, sometimes you have to let the pain out too. If you have to cry, let the tears fall like raindrops, and remember tomorrow is another day, maybe the tears can wash the pain away...My father used to use the bottle to take his pain away. Sometimes the violence rose, and I would have to intervene so that my mother was not a victim of it. Sometimes he would cry himself to sleep, I would have to walk him to his bed, too young to understand. I was in an alcohol related coma at 18 years old, so I have avoided trying to bury my sorrow in the empty bottle, because I have seen it darken my own life.

Depression has withered some of me away. I hate when the first thing people say when they see you is you've lost some weight. What can you say, no one likes to talk about it until the damage is done. A pro hockey player from my city's team took his life last year. People started talking afterwards. I have been through the worst I think, I am no longer an addict, it's been 15 years since I lived on the street. No one has tried to molest me or kill me in a long time...I have overcome the shame of my own perversions, and failures. I have lost some beautiful people in my life, perhaps they are the hardest to let go, but I am still alive, if I care about them, the best way to prove it is to honour them. I am trying to quit smoking weed too, to face the day in sobriety...I think drugs play a significant role in the negative alteration of brain chemistry, people don't think of the long term effects that the momentary escape presents. I hope I can come out of the shadow of myself. To quote Dostoevsky, Perseverance overcomes all obstacles. To all who battle with depression, I hope you persevere.
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Jul 9, 2012