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With Me All My Life

My battle has been life-long, and I don't believe I will ever "win," but I don't think winning is what it is all about.  Depression is a huge part of who I am and have been for so long, I don't know if I could function not having it looming in the background.  And, in all honesty, I have depression to thank for much of what I have come to know about myself.  Had I not felt so miserable, unable to get out of bed, I would not have been inspired to think, sort things out and several times seek the help of someone to help me make sense of the chaos.

Medication helps me.  I've tried to go without and have quickly spiraled out of control - reduced to suicidal thoughts, rocking back & forth on the bathroom floor in the dark, crying all the time.  Post partum was really bad, and now menopause is proving to be very rough, as well.  Right now, Lexapro is what keeps me on the planet, and I am grateful for it.  I know others are not convinced that pharmaceuticals are a good idea, and I respect that.  I just know that herbs never worked, endorphins only work if I can get off my *** and therapy alone has been nothing but talk.

I am feeling pretty good right now, but I'm headed into a down spot pretty soon.  The cycling sounds like bi-polar, but it's related to my hellish menstrual cycle in its death throes before leaving me for good.  So, when I know its coming, I try to just be gentle with myself, not make any decisions based on my feelings (because I cannot trust them), let myself cry a little, sleep a little and then love my family.  I can always count on them to make me laugh, and once I can laugh, the spell is broken, at least for a while.

To all of you who suffer, too, my hope is that we can all make this journey and come out in the end a little better than we were before.  No one is perfect, we all have issues, cracks in our exterior, and one of our weaknesses just happen to be depression.

I read a parable once about the nature of imperfections and how all things serve a higher purpose - even when we cannot see it.  I think depression may be one of those things.  It goes something like this:

A slave had two water jars that he carried to the river to get water for the master's house several times a day.  One of the jars had a crack and leaked half its contents on the journey back the house every time.  The jar was saddened to know that his imperfection caused the slave to make more trips to the river because of him.  One day, the jar told the slave he was sorry, and suggested the slave get a newer, better jar.  The slave just smiled and said to the jar, "You are perfect just the way you are.  See, along the path, all the beautiful flowers that grow on the side that I carry you?  Every day, you water them, making them grow.  Each day, I pick these flowers and put them in the master's house, where they brighten the house and  bring him great joy."

So, if you believe that God, or the Universe, or the Master, makes no mistakes and all things happen for a reason, then we must watering some beautiful flowers somewhere.  I hope we find them.

SerenitySeeker SerenitySeeker 41-45, F 39 Responses Jun 17, 2008

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I love your story. Im so like u... Im about to menopause as well, bipolar too

Hi, your comments gave me goose bumps at the end. I am so sorry you suffer so badly from depression. I can relate, having suffered with depression for 12 years. What I wanted to say is that my best friend read that same parable to me a couple of years ago and by the end I was in tears because it spoke to my soul. Thank you for putting it on here for others to see, and for reminding me of it as well.

I have only learned the last few years that my depression becomes somewhat overwhelming at certain times of the month .. That feeling of dread that only passes when your mind is ready... A very daunting thing to consume at times but like anything in life we cannot appreciate the good without the bad. Thank you for your story Its always reassuring to know you aren't alone

bless you for writing this post. I have a friend with the same condition and she is so much better after menopause. I look forward to getting through it myself, and I hope it brings you a time of peace and ease.

I like the way you put your thoughts you could easily pass for a psychologist but if you can read battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer i had certain problems too and that book coupled with my faith inGOD helped me get through it

Feel better already after reading that story....

Wow - that was really beautiful

thank you for sharing this story.

I too have suffered with clinical depression for most of my life and had considered 'it' normal. For me it was 'normal'. It was only in the last two and a half that i have been diagnosed. I have been on medication for the past 18 months and i am starting to make some head-way, pardon the pun. I am 49 years old and i still feel lost, confused sad and hollow, but at least now i am aware of others who have experienced similar and can understand me when i talk. Thank you for the 'Cracked Urn' story as i now have 'flowers' to look for instead of the black fog which engulfs my world.

I am sooo happy to know im not the only one depressed

Reading a story such as yours always make me feel very humbled. You have amazing courage and that is an inspiration to others

beautiful story,I agree with everything you say,we also have to think of depression as a condition not an illness if you know what I mean,also if I did not have this illness I wouldnt have the opportunity to talk to lovely people like yourserlf and everyone else on this site,take care, love sweet harmonyxxxxxxxxx

Your story is one that a lot of us can definitely relate to. Depression is a terrible thing to go through, but is true that those of us that have to deal with it know ourselves better than just about anyone else. The days where you don't move, when you can't even get out of bed, are the days when you truly have the time and the need to think and sort through the murky, morbid thoughts that are always there. Depression has made me a lot of things, optimistic about the future not being one of them, but it has definitely made me more wise than I would be otherwise. <br />
<br />
You seem to be handling this remarkably well and you appear to have a better handle on it than most of us, including me.

Thanks for sharing your story! Loved the parable about the flowers!

Thanks to all for your kind words of support...SS

That parable was very good, I enjoyed it. Thank You

I think you found your beautiful flowers!! Please do see us all shining at your comments and realize you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Much love

so glad i fond your story.i to suffer as you do.i also have extreme pmt.im worried about the menopause ion day and if it will be worse for me.ive just been put on lamicatal and i must say ive been well for a month which is so nice.nice to meet you.regards bunnydrop.your words helped me.

I too,battle the darkness.Thank you for the thoughts.If i can fill the hole in my soul,just a little,by reading good things,i'll be back.

Ditto!

me too...today - and this particular time in my life - are a little rough right now....SS

I hope that quote is right on.

"If God brings you to it,<br />
he'll also get you through it."<br />
<br />
Thanks for this, Cafius....I needed to be reminded of this very truth at this precise time. Despite all the progress I make with this disease, today I am in a bad place with it....amazing how when I am open to hearing and receiving wat I need, God has a way of getting it to me, sometimes in the most unlikely ways.....thanks again...SS

"For they that hope in the Lord shall renew their strength,<br />
they will soar as with eagles' wings;<br />
they will run and not grow weary,<br />
walk and not grow faint."<br />
-Isaiah 40:31<br />
<br />
If God brings you to it,<br />
he'll also get you through it.

Nebula...it is very interesting what can happen when we choose to see things from a different perspective...my mother used the analogy of a circle...360 degrees...you are at one point on the circle, move over a few degress and everything looks different...let me know how it goes...SS

I'm with IceHearted on this. I will have to contemplate on positive effects of depression in my life. I'm sure there are some; it's just nothing jumps to mind right away. It's been a lot of work just to get to the point of this is as good as it gets, pay attention to the patterns and put one foot in front of the other/function. So I have more work to do from this perspective. Should be quite fruitful.........or flowerful.....quite a garden.<br />
:) Hmmm, positive effects of depression in my life......interesting.......

OMG...I laughed so hard at this, Ciiel!!!...the menopause comment was hysterical!...<br />
<br />
I certainly hope I'm doing a good job...overall, the kids seem happy...even my moody teenage son...and I try my best to show them that I love them each day...I'm not the best mom for teaching discipline...keeping their rooms clean...that sort of thing, but I'm pretty good on the finding humor, laughing at silly stuff, comforting the hurts, and encouraging free thinking...so, we'll see what the future holds for them...thanks for the comments!...SS

I have a loving family, too. It really does help.

Like you i've suffered from depression for more than half of my life.Sometimes we think we're not winning but in fact we are but by carry on everyday and not give up we are already in the lead, believe me!<br />
remember you are AWESOME!!!!!!!!<br />
and this won't kill you it'll make you stronger!!!

Awaress...that is truly one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me...it is my fondest wish that be able to help someone - anyone - and leave this world better than I found it...we are all connected, and I consider my highest duty to help people out along their journey...so often, we never know what impact we have had...have we made a difference...did someone who needed something get what they needed...thanks for the vote of confidence!!!....love you....SS

SS thank you for sharing. You don't know how little things like you have written help us all. :)